(1) “Indeed,” number 47 said. “It is who we are, after all. The very first fact we learn about ourselves,” returning to his own desk, leaving number 79 standing. This character adds to a conversation that's not directly aimed at him and isn't obvious who's talking, so I pretty much need to write who said what as soon as possible. My question is, does the last bit of the sentence make sense or should I do it like example (2)? (2) “Indeed, it is who we are, after all. The very first fact we learn about ourselves,” number 47 said, returning to his own desk, leaving number 79 standing. Here is the context: (They have amnesia and most refer to themselves as numbers in the order that they "appear") “Yes… I mean… I’m not…” Suddenly doubting himself, Tom swallowed dryly. “What about the others? They have names, not numbers.” The man that presented himself as number 47 inclined. “Yes, some have deduced that their names after years of so called “Context-Memories”. Most aren’t as lucky. Do you mean to say you know for certain who you are? Even if it’s just a name?” “No… I mean—“ Could it be possible the name Tom was somebody else? How could he know for certain? He couldn’t. Only a short snippet of an unknown voice in an unknown context… What about the vision in his room? The blue, the endless blue, a colour completely absent from this world, was that a memory, as well? “Oh, leave him be,” number 68 snarled, already back at his seat on the table. “He just wants to feel important. Most of us are content with our given name, you know?” “Indeed,” number 47 said. “It is who we are, after all, the very first fact we learn about ourselves,” returning to his own desk, leaving number 79 standing.
It's clear who's speaking. The problem with the last part is that it's two fragments and they sound awkward in this example. I don't mind sentence fragments but I think they should be used sparingly and maybe here isn't the best place to use them. I would go with: “Indeed,” number 47 said. “It is who we are, after all. The very first fact we learn about ourselves." He returned to his own desk, leaving number 79 standing. My other query is should 'number' be capitalised, since it's being used as a name: “Indeed,” Number 47 said. “It is who we are, after all. The very first fact we learn about ourselves.” He returned to his own desk, leaving Number 79 standing. If you do stick with the fragments, the comma still needs to be changed to a period (which will make the fragments even more awkward), as the comma is incorrect: (1) “Indeed,” number 47 said. “It is who we are, after all. The very first fact we learn about ourselves.” Returning to his own desk, leaving number 79 standing. If you go with (2), the comma can stay, but it still sounds awkward IMO. My last query is... isn't this awfully similar to The Maze Runner? I only read a few chapters of that before I gave up, but I was reminded of it right away. IIRC one of the characters there was even called Tom?
"I am not a number, I am a free man!" Given the professional type environment, the 'you know' feels a bit out of place. As the reply is in the form of that implication. Just a thought, and a minor suggestion. "Indeed...It is who we are, after all, the very fact we learn about ourselves," Number 47 said, returning to his own desk leaving Number 79 standing. Just trying to figure out why the pause between the Indeed, and the rest of what he had to say. Is 47 contemplating the others statement before delivering the followup? As far as getting lost on who is speaking, no. It is clear as to who is speaking to who. (Don't mind me, I am not a dialogue expert.)
I had the same thought. And I read the whole series (forgive me; I knew the error of my ways and persisted). The protag was Thomas.
If he's jumping into the conversation then you need to identify him quickly. (1) makes perfect sense to me. You're maintaining clarity. You don't want readers applying the dialog to the wrong character, and then twenty words in correct them.
Do they use numbers as names in that story? I don't recall. I only watched the movie. The name Tom and the amnesia thing are the only similarities to that story, though, not that I took inspiration from Maze Runner, consciously, to begin with...
Read it aloud. It helps if there is someone to read it aloud to, but that's not always a privilege granted us. Does it make sense when read aloud? Can you understand who is speaking without being able to glance back up at particulars or paragraph breaks? This is something I realized while listening to audio-books. Robert Jordan is actually pretty darn good at keeping character-clarity, but there are times where the only reason why I knew someone else was speaking was when the person doing the reading changed voices. One thing that can help the flow is to think of multiple titles for each character. If it's a man and woman, it's very easy to add in male and female titles. But you can use "Number 47," and "Number 79," or just "47," or if you have defined different qualities about the characters you can use those. Bring in other elements; give characters actions that you speak about, then dialogue.
