I'll agree with the fact that a lot of relationships, married or not, are crap. The real irony is that I still have some(?) faith in true love.
I'm glad you have faith in something. As far as I'm concerned, "true love" as we see it advertised, is not "true love." Romance/conjugal/erotic love does not make up the entirety of love. Instead it is just one part of the spectrum. As I see it, love is much bigger, much more encompassing. True love is not bound or possessed or given or lost, only experienced and allowed to flow as it changes frequency. And it is far more than an emotion. It takes a different kind of thinking to see it that way. I'm not suggesting my view is better. Still, I think a purer form of love is bigger, more perfect, less fleeting and circumstantial than the love we have popularized in our western minds.
I agree with you on this. In fact, I believe monogamy is a social construct (however, there are good reasons for it). Back in the good ol' days (I'm talking caveman days here), people lived in groups. It was advantageous for a female to have sex with as many males in her group as possible because when the baby was born, no one knew who the father was so everyone had an incentive to take care of the baby.
There are a lot of social constructs that just seem natural. We probably couldn't function without many of them. I'm of the school of thought that "it takes a village to raise a child." ha ha. I don't mean to bag on anyone's way of thought. I just like beating on the walls that say "I've got it exactly right. Everything else is backwards and weird." ha ha. Not that anyone here is like that.
I think that marriage may be an optional structure, but I think that children need a family-equivalent, by which I mean a small number of consistent, reliable, loving primary caregivers that they can bond with and identify with, and that they share with only a small number of other children. And while those caregivers don't necessarily need to have a romantic relationship with one another, I think that they need to like each other, so that the whole group can have a shared bond. I don't think that children are built to maximally thrive when they're getting a little bit of love from each of a large number of people. I don't know where "small number" crosses over into too many, and I don't have evidence for the whole idea, but it's still what I think. Part of my reasoning--again, without evidence--is that as a child is developing, and their own nature is fundamentally changing, they need the consistency of having a large amount of time with the same adults, and of a shared knowledge of history and family rules and precedents. I think that the relationship with the same people, and the reassurance of consistency outside oneself, while one's own self is changing, is important.
Ironically, as I'm sitting in a coffee shop there's this 80 year old guy ( rich ) who comes in on a regular basis and talks to his friends - every conversation includes him telling them they should appreciate their wives ( his is gone. )Today was no exception. He said, I remember once I fell asleep in a chair and when I woke up there was a blanket over me, I'll never find someone like that again. A lot of the discussion is as though marriage were nothing but doomed failure instead of what it is as -enjoyable as the two parties involved make it. Children are different. Having been raised around a lot of foster kids, I will tell you the most disturbed children are the results of failed adoptions. Twice rejected. I don't think a lot of people understand just how important it is for a child to know their biological parents.
@ChickenFreak I don't disagree with you at all. (What? Is't that going back on what I just said? Maybe, but you still have an agreeable stance.) Some semblance of a loving, functional family unit is important. It's pretty disturbing to see some of the things my 5 year old sister might be thinking seeing her mom and dad not together or functioning. The lack of consistency and loving cooperation has been an issue I've tried to press for over a year now. Sadly, another father is removed from the equation (for the time being) and stability will be found amongst my mother, oldest sister, aunt, and Grandma. Heck, that's pretty much what Cherelle and I grew up with as a family. We scarcely know what it's like to have both parents in the household forming that strong parental bond which can be sooo beneficial if present (or potentially detrimental, if absent). @peachalulu I do value marriage in that it is a cooperative and it is everything a couple chooses to make of it. It can be and often is a beautiful thing. My great-grandma's brother, my Uncle Bob, has been married to his wife for years upon years. Her other brother, Al, was married to my Aunt Betty for years until he passed in 2013. My GGma, might hav been married for years if her husband had not passed. Still, the only one of her daughter's to have a successful marriage divorced some years ago, and only her son is still married. So at least in my family on my mom's side, marriage goes either way. If two people choose to be married, they should honor and appreciate it. However, I do not think we should be so quick to look down on unmarried groups, and even uncoupled groups. I just don't think people should try to force something that is not working for them.
Since I'm unmarried and constantly harassed about when am I getting married, I agree. People need to get rid of their false expectations and their prejudices in order to make it in a marriage. Escaping the paperwork isn't going to make your anymore relationship solid. Plus you got to take a good long look at your future spouse and say - all those faults? can I live with them? - not the good stuff - the faults. The secret is knowing you have no power to fix those faults. They could be there forever. Trouble is not many people take the time to get to know a person enough to fully understand their faults.
For what it's worth Duchess, if marriage was outlawed tomorrow and sleeping around became the accepted norm, nothing would change for me. I love my wife and haven't ever wanted someone else since the moment I laid eyes on her. It's out there for you as well. If I could just offer one piece of unsolicited advice, don't settle for anything less. Incidentally, as a Buddhist, it is my opinion than you could do far worse than Tamaki. He was born on the Buddha's birthday after all.
I love how you know when Tamaki's birthday is. On April 8th, I actually plan to go to this awesome bakery near me, get a cupcake and imagine that I am celebrating his birthday with him. *fangirls over Tamaki*
I don't value marriage highly I must admit. It never has made a lot of sense to me really, and I certainly do think having a society without marriage could work. Monogamous relationships, though, while I have no problem with polygamy, I personally prefer to be monogamous. It just has so much more meaning and passion when you can actually 'love' each other, whatever 'love' actually is.
Most of all you seem to have faith in marriage. I have trouble doing that. With all the fighting that married couples do, and what a trap it can be...especially when you have kids. I am afraid that if I get married, I will be stuck with someone that I come to resent. I don't know, maybe it's cause I'm 20.
I kind of feel the same way, but I just have this faith, more like a dream, that I won't ever resent having gotten married. Maybe I've seen so much crap happen in relationships that my brain short circuited, took a look at some anime boys, and was all "Sounds good?"
I also think that even if marriage no longer exist in a future, people will still choose whether they want to spin the rest of their lives with someone or not. They might make their own rules based on their beliefs in their own relationship. If one of them cheated, they can break up or try to fix their own problems. Maybe more players will also revolve around the world.
The life expectancy of a caveman was like 13 or 14. So you pretty much reached puberty, had kids, and died. On the bright side, it saved you the trouble of actually raising the kids.
Yeah, that's another aspect of marriage I don't like: having kids. I been in houses with little kids running around, breaking shit, and screaming. I can't do it without going insane eventually.
