1. JeffShepherd89

    JeffShepherd89 New Member

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    Grammar Non-simultaneous participle phrases?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by JeffShepherd89, Jul 19, 2017.

    Hi all! I'm brand new to this forum and I'm about eight chapters into writing my first novel.

    Recently I've been noticing that I use participle phrases quite often and a quick Google search informed me that overusing participle phrases is a bad habit and can make for confusing writing.

    The following is from a scene I've been working on where I started noticing the problem. (I've read over the forum rules and I think this excerpt is acceptable since this website promotes free speech, but I'm writing a horror novel with erotic elements and this happens to be in the middle of a sex scene with the story's villain. If that offends you, please don't read on. And if it's against the rules to post such content, let me know and I'll delete this post).

    “Shh, we don’t need to talk about that right now,” Nelson said as he reached over her shoulder and slipped his hand under the top of her nightgown, groping her breast.

    “Nelson, stop,” she whispered, turning her head away from him and letting it fall back onto the pillow. “It’s been a long day. I’m tired.”

    “Then just relax,” he said before taking her earlobe into his mouth. She squirmed a little and he pulled his hand out of her nightgown, tracing his fingers down her side until he reached her legs.

    “I’m just not in the mood,” she said a little louder, shrugging away from him.

    “That’s okay, baby. I have enough mood for both of us.” His hand traveled between her legs, finding its way underneath her nightgown and up her smooth thighs. When he reached her panties, his fingertips danced around for only a second or two before pulling the fabric aside and jamming his index and middle finger inside her. Dry and harsh. One quick shove and he was buried to the knuckle.

    Erica pulled her knees up and jolted toward the headboard, feeling his rough fingers vacate her body.

    “I said stop,” she said, furrowing her brow and glaring at him in the dark. “I’m tired and I’m not in the mood.”

    Many of these phrases will definitely get purged or altered on my second draft, but one of the most important reasons I've found for avoiding participle phrases is that they often imply impossible simultaneous action.

    Some phrases in the above example do occur simultaneously, such as turning away as she whispers or feeling his fingers leave her as she jolts away from him. But other instances imply actions that occur incrementally, often (though not always) proceeded by the word, "before."

    ...he said before taking her earlobe into his mouth.

    ...he pulled his hand out of her nightgown, tracing his fingers down her side...

    ...his fingertips danced around for only a second or two before pulling the fabric aside...

    Are these phrases being used properly? Do they make sense as is, or are they confusing? Should I go back with a fine-toothed comb and modify all these kinds of phrases in my writing, or should I say, "Tradition, be damned," and continue overusing participle phrases?
     
  2. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    They all seem fine by themselves in a vacuum, but I'd say you probably have too many of them. None of them are confusing at all, but stylistically they feel a bit labored to me, if that makes any sense. The writing is good though. Be mindful, but I wouldn't sweat it too much. While some of the actions might not technically be possible simultaneously, there's enough of an immediate react vibe to make them cogent.

    On a side note, I'd think that an unwanted, double-finger dry-fire would earn the culprit more than a rebuke, but that's neither here nor there.
     
  3. Trish

    Trish Damned if I do and damned if I don't Contributor

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    I agree with @Homer Potvin on all points.
     
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  4. JeffShepherd89

    JeffShepherd89 New Member

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    Thanks for the response and the encouragement, Homer. I find that participle phrases like these often pop up when I'm writing quickly, so I'll clean them up on the second draft.

    Your story suggestion is also on point. I'll expand her reaction and make her angrier.

    Thanks again!
     
  5. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    Hello Jeff,

    The reason for this is because Particle phrases are adjectives, and over modification is never good. So when should you use Adjectives? This is a matter of taste and style, but here are a few questions I ask myself when deciding to cut an adjective or add one.

    1. Is there some unique feature about the noun in question? (example: Purple snow.)
    2. Is there some connotation I am trying to change? (Example: Black cat vs orange cat.)
    3. Am I trying to single out someone/thing in the story? (Example: I wanted to talk to the girl wearing the red dress.)

    -
     
  6. Seven Crowns

    Seven Crowns Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor Contest Winner 2022

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    I'd say your main problem is going to be the structural repetition of them. I would cut two-thirds of these.

    The good news is that many of these appear around dialog, so you can just chop 'said' and shift to a dialog beat (sometimes, not always). Then the actions will become immediate.
    e.g. “I said stop.” She furrowed her brow and glared . . .


    Yes. Don't rely on a few patterns. They get in the way of your voice.
     
  7. Laurin Kelly

    Laurin Kelly Contributor Contributor

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    I am currently excising tons of these from my current WIP, because they drive my editor right up a damn wall. It's not just the particle phrases but the overuse of the associated dialogue tags that sends her around the bend. When there's only two characters talking there's not really a need to keep repeating "...he said" and "...she said" over and over again. I'd make the following edits:

    “Then just relax." He took her earlobe into his mouth. She squirmed a little, so he pulled his hand out of her nightgown and traced his fingers down her side until he reached her legs.

    “I’m just not in the mood." She grew agitated and shrugged away from him.

    Yeah...the culprit would be on the receiving end of a punch in the nuts in my bed, just sayin'.
     
  8. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Yeah, though I liked the rest of the foreplay. If you want to go aggressive at the end there, a hair-pull or maybe a nipple-bite would probably suffice. Unless you're intentionally going grimy, in which case, feel free to be as grimy as you want to be.
     
  9. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    I'm not clear on why you feel that it's tradition(?) that you're rebelling against? I think that overuse of anything is a problem just because of the overuse. For example, in some editing phase of the thing I'm working on I'm going to have to go through and eliminate countless instances of eyebrow acrobatics. (They rise, they fall, they draw together, they take on personalities of their own...)

    I also feel that these phrases make the associated action seem less important, like a throwaway. When several of them are piled up, the feeling for me is of a clutter of irrelevancies, because the way the actions are structured makes them feel like irrelevancies.
     
  10. BayView

    BayView Huh. Interesting. Contributor

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    I agree that there are way too many, and I agree that the simple fix is something like what @Laurin Kelly suggested.

    In terms of the simultaneous implications, this isn't a pet peeve of mine (ie. I'm able to understand that you mean the events happen after one another even without the "before", as in your "he pulled his hand out of her nightgown" example) but I have absolutely come across people, mostly editors, who hate it.

    Given that you need to get rid of a lot of these anyway, it might make sense to get rid of the ones that aren't simultaneous?
     

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