I am divorced, and as of April 1, my daughter will get her own apartment, leaving me with an empty nest for the first time in my adult life. My ex-wife walked away without any interest in our home. That was her decision, but I now own a home with a lot of equity and I've been thinking it's my retirement nest egg. But recently, I made a new friend and she is going to China to be an ESL teacher, and she inspired me that maybe I need to make a drastic change as well. I'm thinking of selling my home, traveling through Europe for a few months, then relocating to New York City. In New York, I can get a job as an immigration lawyer and then pursue a new career as a writer. The main reason I want to make a break is because of my ex-wife, who is still in my life despite the fact that she lives with her boyfriend. My home is still filled with reminders of her, she decorated it, there are pictures everywhere, and she comes in my home any time she feels like it. We are friends, and we still do things together like watch TV and go to movies and bowling and restaurants. She still participates in family events like Thanksgiving and Christmas. She even decorates the house for Christmas and picks out the tree. I feel like she is holding me back because she has her own separate life with her boyfriend but I do not have separate life without her. If I had a new relationship with a woman, it would be very awkward because my ex-wife would just walk in my home like she still owns the place and then I would have to explain that. Also, because my ex-wife and I had children very early in our lives, there is lots I've never done, including going to Europe. For the first time in my life I have nothing holding me back and I want to take a long trip to Europe. I am pretty sure I would get raped on capital gains taxes if I sold my home and did not buy another, but I'm willing to pay the tax so I can get a new beginning in my life, away from my ex-wife. This would be a big break for me because I would leave behind everyone I know, but I am convinced I can make new friends in New York because I would join writers groups and participate in writers conferences and New York is the center of the world for writing. I'm not really asking for anyone's permission, I just felt like sharing this.
If I were in your shoes I'd be already gone, gone, gone. You've made a stable living once, that means you know how it's done already. You can make it happen again if needed. Travel. Have a slice of a different life. It will unblock you.
It sounds like you want to sell and move, so, sure. But I just can't refrain from saying that you can redecorate, and you can change the locks. The fact that the house was decorated by your ex, and the fact that she still has a key, are two things that you have the power to change without selling and moving.
I don't see what's stopping your from having a separate life where you are now. So you bring a woman home or start living with one, and your wife walks in while you're researching the Kama Sutra together on the living room couch -- what are you afraid will happen? And can't you prevent that by establishing a protocol, like roommates have from time imemorial ("If there's a sock on the doorknob, go away or at least knock.") Clearly your wife doesn't feel her life is constrained by you being local. Why do you? And have you really thought about what you're losing by moving? Sure, visit the Old World: Budapest, Florence, Amsterdam, the Rhine, Cambridge, and Jerusalem have to be visited to be appreciated. Then come back home and really think about moving. Moving is expensive, and I'd always rather spend that kind of money on a vacation in a foreign land. Next up, Greece.
That does not sound like friendship - at all. That does sound like emotional and social abuse. It sounds like if she is keeping you as her spare dildo so that if the main dildo leaves, she has the spare one ready. That decorating... It sounds like she is marking her territory. Why don't you start by telling her to give her key away, chancing the locks, telling her not to come, having dates with someone... You can't grab your life back to you by escaping. Take your life back first. After you might make better decisions. Keys. Locks. "Don't come here if I don't ask you to come." If you wanna see her, see her somewhere else, not in your home. Take away all her territory marks from your home. She can't mark your territory as if it was hers.
