1. Mikcheck

    Mikcheck New Member

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    Opinion on a "dramedy" spec TV show logline

    Discussion in 'Scripts' started by Mikcheck, Apr 10, 2019.

    Hello everybody!

    I wonder if anyone could give me an opinion on this logline:

    "After being accidently involved in his girlfriend – a known youtuber – death because of a cockroach, young Ethan tries to find his happiness, while at the same time he deals with the antics of his workplace, a (really) late night live call-in tv show production."

    Some people kindly gave me an opinion to change to something like:

    "A mildly depressed young man tries to find happiness while dealing with the crazy antics at his workplace, a live call-in TV production."

    "Ethan struggles to find happiness after accidentally killing his girlfriend."

    But I also received this opinion:

    "I still have zero idea what Ethan show is about and why their is a death scene on youtube and how it all relates to his new job and again. Most of the time it's a guy lands a new job after his girlfriend dumps him. So I think you're going for a guy gets a new job after he accidentally commits manslaugher live on YouTube. I'm just so confused by the setup. All we know is his girlfriend is dead and his job, but no idea what would happen in a normal 30 minute show. "

    Thanks a lot for your time. I'll answer to any questions you may have.
     
  2. Bolu Kai

    Bolu Kai Member

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    I have to agree with the above comments. When I first read your logline, I had to re-read it mid-sentence to make sure I was following. It was unclear for me, and might be unclear for others. I think you need to really nail down what this show is about and provide clarity for readers/viewers. It read to me as though there is a lot going on, maybe too much? There is (1) Ethan's accidental involvement in his girlfriend's murder, (2) Ethan trying to find happiness, and (3) Ethan dealing with the antics of his job. My advice (not that i'm an expert in any way) would be to simplify the logline. Write the logline from the A story perspective; include only the necessary details that drive your main plot. I would look at other loglines to get an idea of how to do that. It reads to me like it currently includes the A, B, and C stories that the story will follow throughout the series. The A story would be the murder, the B story would be the workplace, and the C story would be his happiness? IDK. I think that is why your logline is so confusing to me. I think if you write a summary of what your story is about that would give us a better idea of how to critique your logline. Will we be following Ethan while he is being investigated for his girlfriend's death? Will the police be involved at all? Will he have gotten away with the murder but has to deal with it in other ways at work? Maybe i'm missing something.

    Without really understanding what this show is about, I would rewrite the logline as one of the following:

    "After the accidental murder of Ethan's girlfriend, he struggles to rediscover happiness in his career."

    "Ethan's actions have resulted in the death of his famous YouTube girlfriend. As he tries to recoup from his loss and rediscover happiness, the host of the late night TV show Ethan works for receives a caller that tosses the production into chaos."


    My lingering questions after reading the logline are (1) i'm not sure how the cockroach is involved? If it's how the girlfriend died, it might be better to not include that for shock value or humor in the show. You don't want to give details like that away. (2) is Ethan's quest for happiness related to the death of his girlfriend? (3) there has to be a better way to describe "late night call-in tv show."

    Hopefully my advice helps. o_O
     

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