Not exactly sure what you're asking for here - feedback on your outline? Just wanting to share? But anyhow I had a look out of curiosity, got two pages in. If it is feedback you're looking for, a couple of points: Peter Patterson isn't a great name. Firstly, just because of the alliteration, secondly because as far as I understand he's a villain, and it just doesn't sound villainous. People don't stop if they notice a weird ping on the SatNav. People just go "huh, that's weird" and keep driving. People especially don't stop if the place is "eerie and creepy". If you have to specify that Allison didn't order a hit on Max because Max is a lesbian, then maybe it's best not to specify that Max is a lesbian at all. You're trying to justify something that nobody would think to criticise you for. If you kill off a gay character, nobody's going to assume you're homophobic unless you make it obvious that you are. Why is Allison ordering "a hit" on Max - because she has OCD?? Either that's not a very good reason to kill someone, or I just don't know what ordering a hit means. Finally did you need to include the part about stopping at a mall? This is why I stopped reading at page 2 - I got bored of all the unnecessary details. I understand this is an outline for you to plot out your screenplay(?) but if you intend to use it in pitching, take out ALL the detail like that. In fact, maybe you could integrate your needing to stop for supplies with the "weird ping" on the SatNav. Just my thoughts, don't know if this is what you're looking for. ETA: don't call it a "horror with comedic undertones". If the comedic aspect is strong enough, call it a comedy-horror. If not, just call it a horror. Most good horror films have humourous moments in them.
we don't do off site links for critique, sorry. you need to use the workshop when you meet the requirements
