Paradise Mourned: Progress Journal.

Discussion in 'Progress Journals' started by OJB, Oct 25, 2017.

  1. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    So, -to anyone reading this- A week or two after new years, I should have the workshop draft of this story done. Along with my normal Critique group, I am willing to let six readers of this site look at the workshop version.

    If you are interested, let me know, but a few things first.

    1. It is written in Iambic Pentameter.
    2. It is for Adults only. (If you are under the age of 18, or have your age hidden on the site, don't bother asking.)
    3. Logline: A man struggles to solve Eillrill's Puzzle, which would grant him entry into Heaven, as his wife attempts to stop him in order to keep their family together.
    4. I write Horror that has really strong Erotic undertones.

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    Things I want you to be looking for:
    1. Things that don't make sense.
    2. Things you'd want expanded on.
    3. Use of Language. I'm not at the level of Robert Frost as he could make IP read like everyday prose (but I am getting there.) Point out spots that read 'forced.'
    4. In my next story, what do you feel like I need to improve on the most?
     
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  2. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    Since I am bored, I've started to plot out the sequel to Paradise Mourned, which we'll call Part 2 (I have a name but I want to keep it a secret.)

    Part 2 will be entered into 0ne of the monthly contest on this site (which one, I won't say), so until after the contest I won't be going into any great detail about it.

    Tonight I've thought out all the scenes that will be in part 2 and will start writing out the treatment for it. Some of you better be bringing your A-game to these contest cause I write to win.
     
  3. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    I received first thought notes from one of my critique partners. There is a lot of good, a lot of bad, and some clarification/expansion of ideas that need to be had. Next weekend, I plan on starting my revision, then I'll have a broader review of it.

    One of my biggest weaknesses is the repetition of words. (I like the word 'blue.')

    One of the most praised lines was:

    'Each strike cracked bones and blistered its skin purple.'

    -

    Well, now the hard part begins.

    -OJB
     
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  4. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    I wrote 1/4th of the treatment for Paradise Mourned 2.

    I won't reveal any detail about the substance of which I am planning, but I have a really cool of idea on how to present a horror trope is a new light.

    Also, there will be only a slight connection to Paradise Mourned story # 1. It is one of those connections that will have no bearing on reading or understanding part 2, but those who've read part one will realize that the two stories are connected, just not in the way some might think a sequel would be (If you guys think Part 2 is basically part 1 but with a new family (like most horror sequels) you are in for a hell of a twist.)
     
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  5. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    I wrote another 25% of the treatment tonight. That gets me to 50% with the treatment for Paradise Mourned part 2.

    -

    I plan on starting to revise Paradise Mourned (story 1) this weekend. I have a few readers lined up that will be reading the revised version when I finish it mid-January.

    Last, work has been really insane as of late; sadly I really want to go on vacation over the Christmas break, but I can't see it happening.
     
  6. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    Ooh, I love that kind of sequel. *rubs hands in anticipation*
     
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  7. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    I wrote 16% of the Treatment tonight. This gets me to 66% done.

    -

    I am so tired from work.
     
  8. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    I began to edit Paradise story # 1. I Edited 30 lines tonight.

    Right now I am doing the following three things.

    1. Grammar check.
    2. Making changes to the story (adding/cutting/Changing)
    3. Meter Check.

    Meter Check can be frustrating. While in Iambic Pentameter I am allowed to use substations, I am trying to keep 85% of my lines pure Iambic, 15% of my lines are allowed to have Feminine endings, and 10% of my lines are allowed to have Trochees.

    Here is what a pure line looks like: The fabric sewed from human hair and skin (Iamb/Iamb/Iamb/Iamb/Iamb)

    A Trochee/spondee opening: Hordes of flies buzzed around the tapestry; (Trochee/Spondee/Iamb/Iamb/Iamb)

    A Feminine ending: Those who ascended -living- into Heav(en); (Trochee/Iamb/Iamb/Iamb/Iamb(Hyper)

    The idea of Substitutions and Variations is to keep the Rhythm from being monotone and to get more Grammatical freedom.

    It is going to be a long month ahead of me.
     
  9. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    I edited 38 lines tonight.

    -

    So another thing I've been trying to get into the practice of doing is marking any ambiguous syllables I use in my meter. In English, some words can be pronounced differently depending on what Region you are from. Here is an example from tonight's edits.

    I pressed my hand onto the foül cloth.

    Now some people would read this line as 9 syllables, but really there are 10.

    Foul (1 syllable pronunciation)

    Foül (2 syllable pronunciation.)

    While it is not required for me to mark Ambiguous syllables, it is something I wish more metrical writers would do as sometimes I hate guessing their pronunciation.

    -

    While I've not finished the treatment for story 2, and I have a few weeks of edits head of me, I came up with a brilliant idea for story 3, which we will call Paradise Mourned: Maria.

    The idea I have (which is a combination of two different ideas taken in a different direction), is that Paradise Mourned: Maria will tell the story of a man mourning the death of his wife and pursuing the killer that murdered her when he is given an impossible choice to make.

    1. He can bring his wife back from the dead for one day, but in doing so, the man who murdered her will be resolved of all his sins and allowed in Heaven; or...

    2. He can have the murderer killed (a killer who is still at large and still actively murdering people), but in doing so, he loses the possibility of seeing his wife in the afterlife.

    While still only a thought in my head (I've no plot points thought out for it yet) I know I want it to work within a larger narrative.

    1. I want Maria to allude to how and why Eillrill's Tapestry was crafted.
    2. I want it to introduce a principle villain that will be used in future works of mine (the creature that gives the MC the choice.)

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    The last thing I want to touch one is my #1 magic rule that keeps all my stories consistent. All my stories take place in the real world, however, the rule that allows me to intertwine monsters, killers, magi, demons, heavenly beasts etc. is that Karma and the 6 reincarnation cycles truly exist (despite people being unaware of it.)

    Example: So if a person acted real 'piggish' during his life; he might be reincarnated as a talking pig (or even a normal pig) in his next life.

    -

    That's all I got tonight.
     
  10. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    I edited 41 lines today.

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    So, I've talked about how in this story I am trying to 'learn' how to keep my work 85 Iambic, mark ambiguous syllables, and now for the last thing that I am trying to do. Now, when writing in meter, the Rhythm should have a meaning. Now, I am not at the point where I can create 'meaning' with my Rhythm, but I am at the point where I am trying to get basic downs; hence, I am trying to get ever line to be a complete clause or phrase. Here is an example:

    Did she just say to burn the tapestry? (Complete sentence.)
    I laughed then punched a hole into the wall. (Complete Sentence.)
    “You need to be supportive, my dear wife, (Main clause +address)
    Of all your husband’s needs and wants in life. (Prepositional phrase)

    As I continue to write through my Paradise Mourned series, I'll keep adding layers and layers into my meter so by the end of it I'll a type of style that is my own.

    -
    That's all I got for tonight.

    -OJB
     

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