1. Lifeline

    Lifeline Out of the Night Supporter Contributor

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    Procrastinating fastidiously - query body

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by Lifeline, Dec 4, 2016.

    Hi guys and girls,

    as the title said I have been procrastinating and in the process attempted to write a query body. I am not finished with my WIP by a long shot, so writing a query is really out of order but anyway: I'd love to hear critique. Thanks for any and all answers in advance!

    250 words query, 'Opposite Truth', contemporary military fiction/fantasy (sorry, I am not sure about the correct label).

    --------------

    Colonel Thryaleos Hall wants promotion, in spite of, or because of his father. The General wrote military history with a decisive campaign to add Talaqui to the Coalition, yet trouble is brewing thirty-odd years later. This doesn't surprise Thryaleos as, unlike his father, he is convinced that suppression can never be an answer.
    Thryaleos' orders give him a one-off chance to prove his point or break his career beyond repair: go as military representative with a diplomatic party into Talaqui and stabilise the territory before unrest among the population erupts into a full-scale civil war. Thryaleos is braced for a level-headed tightrope dance among diplomats, reporters, and senior military personal.
    Yet logic makes itself scarce when he suddenly comes face to face with the one man he was unable to forget during the better part of twenty years. Jaraley is a team leader in the squad now assigned in his support, and he doesn't seem to have forgotten, or forgiven him either. They can't have a future together in any case: the General, army regulations and Jaraley's past stand in their way. Thryaleos suspects that preventing a territorial civil war is going to be easy in comparison to facing Jaraley at every step he takes.
    As Thryaleos tries to keep his cool around Jaraley and parses diplomatic double-talk amidst Talaqui's hostile population, he starts to question if the facts as they were communicated mirror reality. Don't start a war? What if one is actually justified?
     
  2. big soft moose

    big soft moose All killer, no filler. Contributor Community Volunteer

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    It doesn't really grab me to be honest ( I mean you know the story does, but not from this query) , I'd put some of the hooky bits from the end at the beginning and cut some of the detail

    "Following a court martial for exceeding his authority , Colonel Thyraleos Hall is given a chance to redeem himself with a mission to bring a rebellious province -Talaqui -under control and prevent a civil war.

    Also on the mission is a young squad leader Jarrely , a man with whom Thyraleos has history.

    As they discover that the facts on the ground do not match those described their orders. They begins to question their mission, and Thyraleos must chose between his career and his duty as a soldier "

    or something like that ... given that you are describing it as military fiction the 'love' story/homo erotic tension / whatever between Thyraleos and Jarrely is a side plot which doesn't need prominence at this point
     
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  3. BayView

    BayView Contributor Contributor

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    For me, it's too plot-heavy, without actually giving me enough to be able to truly understand the plot.

    I want to get a better picture of the setting/world, a better feel for the plot... I feel like this is too much from the head, not enough from the heart.

    Am I vague enough?
     
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  4. Infel

    Infel Senior Member

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    I would say that this strikes me as a summary, not a query letter.

    Opinions on how to write successful queries are as varied as the writers who write them, but my opinion is: read through the Query Shark archives.
     
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  5. peachalulu

    peachalulu Member Reviewer Contributor

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    The core idea seems buried in a lot of plot items that read unfortunately like any novel that features a war. And a lot of clich├ęs that really don't say much - comes face to face with, they can't have a future together, diplomatic double talk. I'd strip that down and focus on the character, the world and his journey and obsticles. I have no idea who Colonel Thryaleos is - a hothead, determined, a rebel? What makes your story special or different or your characters journey worth reading - make sure to highlight all those details.
     
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  6. Lifeline

    Lifeline Out of the Night Supporter Contributor

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    All of you who have taken the time to read and answered: Thank you, I'll go back to the drawing board. I know (and read) through all of queryshark, but apparently I need to read harder *traipses off for some serious writing*.
     
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  7. big soft moose

    big soft moose All killer, no filler. Contributor Community Volunteer

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    My advice would be finish the book first (at least to first draft) - you'll probably change plot about 6 more times before you are finished anyway
     
  8. Lifeline

    Lifeline Out of the Night Supporter Contributor

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    I said that I was procrastinating ;)
     
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  9. Foxxx

    Foxxx The Debonair Contributor

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    Procrastinating ahead of time; this is some next level stuff.

    Jesting aside, keep at it man!
     
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  10. Lifeline

    Lifeline Out of the Night Supporter Contributor

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    I figure it's better than watching 'Germany's next top model' :D
    At least I was writing something..
     
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  11. big soft moose

    big soft moose All killer, no filler. Contributor Community Volunteer

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    Most things are
     
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