1. Obihahnkenobi

    Obihahnkenobi New Member

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    Query for Middle-grade Fantasy Adventure

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by Obihahnkenobi, Nov 19, 2019.

    Dear Agent,



    This tale begins with a miscarriage, and the young boy who sailed across the stars to save her.


    Having lost his grandparents a year before, six-year-old Milo was finally starting to believe his family could learn to be happy again. That is until Milo overhears his parents arguing one night about a ‘Miss Carridge’, and this mysterious her they’d lost. Milo hadn’t a clue who his parents were bickering about, but he was determined to cheer them up – with a present! Later that night, when Milo sees a newborn baby star shining above their seaside town, he and his puppy pal, Danny, excitedly (and absurdly) agree they ought to bring that star home for them. They build a spaceship out of a picnic basket and, after some good hard wishing, they travel into space. But this is when trouble occurs.


    Halfway towards that star, their ship is blown off-course and they crash land in the Kingdom of Hapbegone. Lost, and galaxies away from home, they’re told, by the King himself, about a demon who had long kidnapped the Kingdom’s beloved Princess, and the failed rescue that took the lives of all their heroes. They’re told this princess will have the power to get them home. What they’re not told is the mysterious connection Milo shares with her.


    Going against the King’s grave warning of the dangers ahead, Milo and Danny set out to find this lost princess. Time is ticking, and they’ll soon learn what they had lost back home, they could find again in this fantastical but dangerous new world.



    The Untold Tales of Milo and Danny: The Lost Princess is a middle-grade fantasy/adventure finished at 76,000 words. Regardless of your decision, I sincerely appreciate you taking time to consider my work.



    Kind Regards,

    Paul Hahn
     
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  2. Tralala

    Tralala Active Member

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    Hi Paul,

    Thanks for sharing this!

    There isn't any problem with your wording, imo, but several elements in the story made me feel unsettled.

    I get what you're trying to do, and there were moments where I thought, Yes! It could be great.

    My issues are mostly with the target age (you haven't included comp titles, which would have helped me to understand what you're going for) and being tasteful.

    I'd consider being more subtle re miscarriage eg describe physical changes to his mother's body, things like that.

    Sorry if this seems harsh.

    Good on you for trying something serious and different. But it's a bit of a minefield! You don't want the agent saying, Ulp!

    Hope this is helpful!
     
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  3. Obihahnkenobi

    Obihahnkenobi New Member

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    Not harsh at all. This was great. I do have an agent who’s reading the book now (phew) but I’ll follow your corrections for this coming round for sure. I really appreciate this.


     
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  4. Tralala

    Tralala Active Member

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    That's brilliant news!

    Very best of luck :)
     
  5. matwoolf

    matwoolf Banned Contributor

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    Hi @op,

    I’m understanding it’s earnest an all...an lucid...but surely some parody in the mix, or not suitable for kids? Whoever gave a shit about grandparents dying, unless Daddy was monstrous? And miss carriage is...ugly.

    Otherwise it seems a entertaining project. Good luck x.
     
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  6. Knightmare

    Knightmare New Member

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    Wow...then I guess I don't need to say anything about the letter. It's been proven effective :)
     
  7. Obihahnkenobi

    Obihahnkenobi New Member

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    I mean, I don’t know what’s going to happen yet (they told me with the holidays they are busy so it may take awhile) so feedback would still be helpful.
     
  8. Vernalire

    Vernalire Member

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    Honestly the best I have is that you misspelled miss carriage the second time at the beginning. Good premise.
     

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