1. Charlie TC

    Charlie TC New Member

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    Query, middle-grade fiction

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by Charlie TC, Sep 19, 2019.

    This is my first try at this one, so let me know what you think:

    Since Mackenzie’s parents work for a worldwide relief foundation, at twelve she has grown up traveling the world and helping people. When her parents have to leave her behind during an assignment, summer camp seems the ideal place for her to go. Camp Wachoufome looks great online, but is actually a dump, run by a maniacal owner. Liddy is using the campers to build it into the place she is already advertising it to be. Because of her experience and positive attitude, Mac is able to make the work of chopping down trees and clearing paths much easier. She and her new friends begin to have a good time, until one of the campers becomes mysteriously ill. Liddy refuses to take him to a doctor. The camp is miles from nowhere, and their friend is too sick to travel. With no cell phones, internet or ways to contact the outside world, they feel helpless as their friend gets sicker and sicker. Mac and the other campers must find a way to get their friend to help, even if it means doing something really crazy. That’s when they figure out the real meaning of the name: Camp Watch Out For Me.

    My Really Cruddy, Awful, Terrible, Horrible, Amazing Summer Adventure is complete at 59,500 words. This is my eleventh children’s book. The other books are self-published and have sold over 120,000 copies.
     
  2. oreopaw

    oreopaw New Member

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    First off, congrats on your previous successes! That's awesome! Any agent will be happy to see that.

    I would say maybe talk more about the maniacal camp owner who is making the kids cut down trees, because it startled me when you skipped right past that to the kids starting to have a good time. Other than that, it sounds pretty good. Good luck!
     
  3. Charlie TC

    Charlie TC New Member

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    Thanks for the feedback. Just a slight change, but how does this sound?
    Since Mackenzie’s parents work for a worldwide relief foundation, at twelve she has grown up traveling the world and helping people. When her parents have to leave her behind during an assignment, summer camp seems the ideal place for her to go. Camp Wachoufome looks great online, but is actually a dump, run by a maniacal owner. Liddy is using the campers to build it into the place she is already advertising it to be. She has the kids clearing land to build new cabins and making paths through the forest for hiking. Because of her experience and positive attitude, Mac is able to make the work much easier, and the campers begin using the extra time to go swimming, hiking and fishing. She and her new friends begin to have a good time, until one of the campers becomes mysteriously ill. Liddy refuses to take him to a doctor, because she doesn’t want the authorities to find out what she is doing at the camp. The camp is miles from nowhere, and their friend is too sick to travel. With no cell phones, internet or ways to contact the outside world, they feel helpless as their friend gets sicker and sicker. Mac and the other campers must find a way to get their friend to help, even if it means doing something really crazy. That’s when they figure out the real meaning of the name: Camp Watch Out For Me.
     
    Richach likes this.
  4. Mckk

    Mckk Member Supporter Contributor

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    Having sold over 120,000 copies of your previous work sounds impressive. Is that 120,000 copies each? Or 120,000 copies altogether? Or is that a one time success of 120,000 copies for one title whilst the other ten books have come to nothing?

    You'll bet the agent will read into this and will want to know. Be more specific. Don't try to fake it. Because right now it sounds like a very sneaky way of making yourself sound very successful when your success might be quite dubious. And if it's so successful, why not name your best title for the agent to look up? Again, if the agent is interested in your work, she will want to look it up.
     
  5. Obihahnkenobi

    Obihahnkenobi New Member

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    I think this sounds super cool but I agree with the other posters about wanting to hear more about the villain. Also, right now, I don’t get the fun part of this story rather the fire situation they find themselves in with their sick friend. Good luck with this and congrats on those 120,000 copies!

     
  6. Charlie TC

    Charlie TC New Member

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    Thanks for the feedback!
     
  7. ilsediaz

    ilsediaz New Member

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    Oh wow!! Congrats! Thats a really impressive background :) Now, I think this should be divided in paragraphs. Its good, but it looks like just a big piece of text and then nothing. Maybe separating them will make it look more refreshing. Good luck!
     
  8. Adam Bolander

    Adam Bolander Active Member

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    Take my advice with a grain of salt since I struggle with writing queries myself, but I would recommend dialing the word count of the summary back and talk a little more about yourself and your other books. Maybe I'm just being OCD, but the way the first paragraph is so huge and the other is so small makes the letter feel...imbalanced somehow.

    Then again, I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Hope this helps at least a little!
     

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