1. Kwills79

    Kwills79 Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2017
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    22

    Query: TRACTOR GUY (PB, 300 words)

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by Kwills79, May 30, 2018.

    Hi,
    I'm hoping to get some feedback on my picture book query. All honest feedback appreciated. Thank you!


    Dear Ms. _____________,



    I am querying you due to your interest in picture books. My picture book, TRACTOR GUY, will grab the attention of readers ages 2-4 and is complete at 300 words.



    VRROOOOOMMM! Jessie digs tunnels in his tractor, chugs through the countryside in his train, and battles clumps of weeds with his lawnmower. Ordinary events and objects morph into machinery magic and sky-high adventures as Jessie’s boundless imagination turns meals, gardening, and bath time into playtime--all with him at the wheel. Mommy plays along, but will she be able to keep up with his active imagination?



    TRACTOR GUY combines the simple, lovable language of MAX AND RUBY with the intense imagination of NOT A BOX. A story of creativity and love, TRACTOR GUY captures the marvelous way that young children blend fantasy with reality, creating worlds often unseen by adults. This is a multiple submission (to external agents).



    I am an emerging picture book author, a member of SCBWI, and a contributing writer for the book “THE WHOLE PREGNANCY(release date 9/4/18). I have worked extensively with children as a pediatric RN and camp counselor and love watching their imaginations unlock. In addition to creating imaginary worlds with my own little Tractor Guy and Horse Girl, I enjoy building sand castles and gawking at whales. I look forward to hearing from you and thank you for your time and consideration!
     
  2. idanelly

    idanelly New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2018
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    1
    Nice tone. You could omit the first sentence unless you can say something much more specific about the person you're sending this to. "Digs tunnels in his tractor" sounds like the tunnels are made in the surface of the tractor.
     
  3. Kwills79

    Kwills79 Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2017
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    22
    Ok, how does this sound...I'm still not sure about that last line, but hopefully it's getting closer?

    VRROOOOOMMM! Jessie digs tunnels with his tractor, chugs through the countryside in his train, and battles clumps of weeds with his lawnmower. Ordinary events and objects morph into machinery magic and sky-high adventures as Jessie’s boundless imagination turns meals, gardening, and bath time into playtime--all with him at the wheel. But at the end of the day, Jessie is happy to be himself.
     
  4. EvansWriter

    EvansWriter New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2018
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    2
    A couple of things:
    • I'd delete this sentence: But at the end of the day, Jessie is happy to be himself.
    • This one wasn't needed either: Mommy plays along, but will she be able to keep up with his active imagination?
    • A story of creativity and love, TRACTOR GUY captures the marvelous way that young children blend fantasy with reality, creating worlds often unseen by adults. This is a multiple submission (to external agents).
    • Possibly rewrite this as: As a pediatric RN and camp counselor, I have worked extensively with children and love watching their imaginations run free.
    • I'm not sure you should use "emerging."
    That's it!
     
  5. Mckk

    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2010
    Messages:
    5,805
    Likes Received:
    3,584
    I'm a mother of a 3 year old and when I read your query, I was already thinking I'd like to show my daughter this book. No real critique from me, but wanted to say reading your query made me smile. Loved your happy, child-like tone. I can imagine the pictures that might go with it from your description. I think you captured the spirit of the book wonderfully.

    Let us know if it gets published. I might just have to get it for my little girl :coffee:
     
  6. Whitelocke

    Whitelocke New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2018
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    1
    As a teacher on and off for years, your query convinces me that you can write for children. I don't have much advice but I wanted to let you know I really like it, and I think the best way to improve it is just to cut any unnecessary words or phrases, like EvansWriter said. I also second the advice that you should put your experience with children at the front of your bio. Great job.
     

Share This Page