[Keep it PG-13 in your descriptions.] As someone who hasn't been in a serious relationship for six years and has only gone on a handful of dates since then, I'm seeking some advice on behaviors you consider indicative of a long-term relationship (preferably of the monogamous kind) along with general relationship information. I will be having two relationships (both m/m in nature) within the story I'm writing and I only have limited experience so I would like to learn a bit more of the subjective side of it all since I can always pick up a book for the objective side. This is primarily subjective in nature because one person is going to feel an emotion differently than another person. The questions are also mainly geared towards people in established relationships or people who have had established relationships in the past. - What behaviors would you use to gauge whether or not the relationship is going to be lasting? - Starting out in the relationship, how did it feel and how did you decide to continue on with it? On the reverse, what made you decide that this wasn't going to be the long-term relationship for you? - How long did it take you to realize the relationship was going to be long-term? - What are some quirks that were endearing to you? What are some quirks that you can't stand, but are able to look past? Are there any that you can't? How did/do you handle those? - What were you looking for in a relationship and did that change when you found the person you're with (or had previously been with)? If you want to throw out any other information, feel free to.
I've been very happily married for a bit over 25 years (together for 28), so I think I fit the criteria. What behaviors would you use to gauge whether or not the relationship is going to be lasting? Mutual respect, consensus on deal-breaker topics (like money, children, and monogamy) and being okay giving each other space to pursue our individual hobbies and interests. Starting out in the relationship, how did it feel and how did you decide to continue on with it? Oh man, it was total bliss. We got along like gangbusters and the sex was off the charts. There was never any reason not to continue - we wound up being amazingly compatible in just about every way. We'd argue, of course, but never about anything that made us feel like being together wasn't the right move for both of us. How long did it take you to realize the relationship was going to be long-term? Sooner for me than for him (I think for me it was a couple of months, him more like 6 months or so), but we decided to get married about a year in. What are some quirks that were endearing to you? What are some quirks that you can't stand, but are able to look past? Are there any that you can't? How did/do you handle those? Endearing - his love of puns and bad jokes. My sense of humor is much more witty and sarcastic, but his is so wholesome - it's so frikkin' cute, even all these years later. Can't stand, but are able to look past - He's indecisive about even the simplest of things and is constantly second-guessing himself. I'm very decisive so it drives me around the bend, but it's not that hard to look past when he's great in so many other ways. Are there any that you can't? - Nope. we've made an art form out of learning to peacefully co-exist with each other's flaws (of which I have MANY MANY MORE THAN HE DOES). What were you looking for in a relationship and did that change when you found the person you're with (or had previously been with) - He was my first boyfriend, to be honest. I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time - we hooked up at a party the first weekend sophomore year of college and I never thought he'd call back. I didn't want a relationship at all - I wanted to sow my wild oats all through college and think about commitments and all that jazz after I graduated. I never dated in high school so I wanted to experience full sexual and romantic freedom in my college years before things got real. So there's that - he totally made me re-think wanting to play the field and stick with one guy for a while. I'd have been an idiot to pass him up, and my mom didn't raise any idiots.
I've been happily married for 12 years. We were both quite young when we started dating, and had not been dating long when we decided to get married. We were married a year after we met. So it was kind of fraught with challenges in a way, but we grew together and our marriage has outlasted several in our circles that started off in more 'ideal' circumstances. Behaviours It felt so right and natural to be with each other that we pretty quickly fell into a rhythm that was comfortable. He didn't need to take me to fancy dinners all the time to impress me, and I didn't have to get dressed up all the time to impress him - we were just as happy being casual around each other. Of course you do still have to go to some effort every now and then, and I feel like we maybe got a bit TOO comfortable in those early days! Another big one for me was that he would call or text me during the day, just if/when he had a minute, for no reason other than to say hi. He still does, and it's just a really nice reminder that he's thinking of me. Even during those patches all couples have when things are maybe not so great, and it always makes things a little better. If I'm having a rough day at work or whatever, hearing from him always helps. Starting Out It was so exciting at the start. We hit it off as soon as we met and I gave him my number... when he called and asked me out I couldn't stop smiling for days. There are so many beautiful moments when you're discovering new love. Like the first time he held my hand, when we first kissed, and so forth (keeping it PG haha). There are small details that you notice, like how warm his skin felt when our arms accidentally brushed, or the solid comfort of his shoulder, which is at perfect head-height when he hugs me. Realising We knew pretty early on that our relationship was it. We said those words about 3 months in. That may have been a bit too soon... it made it really hard when we had our first conflict because it kind of felt like we had riding this high all along and now all of a sudden we were seeing a side of each other that we hadn't seen before. But we ultimately wanted to be together and we've always worked it out. Quirks He has a great sense of humour, and still makes me laugh all the time. I love that. Another endearing feature is that he is pretty good at DIY, and either knows or can figure out how to do most fixing/improvement jobs around the house. Where this classifies as a quirk is, the lengths he will go to in order to not pay someone else to do a job that he thinks he might have the capability to do himself are sometimes hilarious. However, to be fair to him, he generally does prove himself capable. A quirk that I have struggled with at times but do live with is, he isn't that good at talking about emotions. I went through a period of quite intense clinical depression, and I know he meant well, but he was the first person whose support I wanted, and the last one I could talk to. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me and it was not that he didn't want to listen; he just had no idea what to say to me. I couldn't help him understand what I was going through, and I wish he could have told me what that experience was like for him. I think he probably struggled with the fact that he couldn't do anything to make it better for me... I wanted him to listen without needing to fix it, but he couldn't. I've learned how to communicate with him more effectively over many more years together and a lot of maturing for both of us since that time, and he's gotten better at communicating with me too. There is nothing about him that I can't/won't live with. He's had to adjust things for the good of our relationship - for example, it took a little while to learn where the line is when joking around at each other's expense, as he has a tendency to take a joke too far sometimes. He learned pretty quickly haha. I've had to adjust things that I do as well. For both of us, those things were about what we do, not who we are - there's nothing about who he is that I don't love. What we were looking for Actually I think our relationship was exactly what I wanted... we were both on the same page from the outset too. I think I always wanted to find that special someone, and definitely had a tendency to rush headlong into things. I did that a few times with the wrong people, sometimes getting hurt when I realised they didn't want what I wanted, and sometimes doing the hurting when I was the one to realise it wasn't 'the one'. It felt different with him, I knew straight away and he did too. We saw something in each other that neither of us had ever seen in anyone else, and we knew it was forever. He and I both jumped in feet first and never looked back.
I have been happily married for nearly 32 years, to a man from 'another country.' I was born in the USA, and he is from Scotland, where we have lived since our marriage. We were already in the middle of life when we met. I was 37 and he was 41, so this wasn't love's young dream. We went into the marriage with eyes open. Neither of us probably would have got married as quickly as we did, if the country thing hadn't been an issue. We knew we wanted the relationship, and we also knew we couldn't afford to be flying back and forth to see each other all the time. I was ready for a change, and so was he. So we spent nearly 2 months in Scotland doing most things together, and then he came to visit me in the USA for a month. It was while he was in the USA that we decided to get married. He went back to Scotland, and we both prepared for the big move. The 'proposal' happened in October, and I left for Scotland on 1 May. I suppose this sounds like a whirlwind romance, but it was actually fairly hard-headed. We both knew that we didn't have a lot of time or resources to waste on making sure everything was perfect, so we just took the plunge. I guess maybe age has its benefits, because we seem to have judged well. I have never regretted the decision to leave the USA and marry him, even though it turned a lot of my life upside down. I know I felt incredibly comfortable in his presence, right from the moment we met up. We had been corresponding beforehand, because of our mutual interest in traditional music, and we agreed to meet up when I got to Scotland. I know I wasn't expecting a relationship at all, because I had the mistaken impression from things he said in his letters that he was already married. Which he wasn't, and never had been—the woman with his surname whom he'd referred to as living in the same house with him and helping him produce a Scottish folk magazine was actually his mother! And no, he wasn't a mommy's boy. After his father died, his mother transferred the house to his name because he was best placed to pay off the mortgage, on the condition that she be allowed to live there. That suited both of them, as they got along well, and neither of them liked disruption—and when he wasn't working as a journalist, he was off either hillwalking or attending musical events. He spent very little time at home. (And then I arrived.... ) His mother died only four years after our marriage. She was a very nice woman, whom I enjoyed living with (except for her constant smoking, which eventually killed her.) I think it was the comfortableness that convinced me this marriage was a great idea. We seemed to make mutual decisions very very easily. While our personalities are totally different, we believe in the same sorts of politics, had the same notion about having children (no!) and are both comfortable with a decent home we don't fuss over. He is also very supportive of me having hobbies, interests and friendships that don't involve him. We totally trust each other, but are not a joined-at-the-hip couple. We both had separate 'lives' before we met, and continue to have them now, to some extent. I have never felt smothered or stifled. We are honest with each other, and even when topics come up that are contentious, we are able to talk them out. I do not consider him to be the love of my life, or my soul mate. That came to me much earlier, and ended (against our will) in an upsetting, but permanent separation engineered by others, when we were too young to do anything about it. However, that might have contributed to the success of my marriage, in that I didn't expect my husband to fulfill that role for me. So I consider myself very fortunate to have had both. A great love with my soul mate, and a solid, satisfying marriage with somebody whom I also love.
When the interaction starts to become fluent, like in language. When we're not having to cobble together our responses and interaction, but instead they flow naturally. Also (for me) when the person stops displaying signals of insecurity and territorialism, which are natural at the beginning, but should wane as things go on. So many different ways. It's never the same twice. What always made me want to stay was something in the other person that intrigued me, that interested me, that charmed me, in a way that at least balanced the concessions and constraints I could see coming. I certainly didn't always make good choices. Never very long at all. When I know what I want, I'm dogged in my determination to make it happen. The reverse is also true. When it's not what I want, I can quickly emotionally divorce myself from the dynamic with little sentiment. This is not to say that I haven't found myself five years into a relationship wondering how it ever lasted five minutes. That's happened. We aren't always in a position of empowerment in life, we don't always have our feet in good shoes made for walking, so to speak. We want to believe that we always are, but that's not the truth. A million things can be endearing to me. It's more about how the other person engages that thing. A strong sense of the importance of family is important to me. In Anglophone cultures there's this phenomenon among some young people where the shockingly young age at which they emancipated themselves from their family is a thing they wear on their narrow little chests like a badge of honor. This is not a thing I can look past. It's not something I think one should be proud of and if the family being shunned is that terrible, then this is like a box-full of red flags concerning other issues I am not professionally trained to deal with. I've dated "that person" a couple of times and it was always a mess. Might make for a great story filled with tension and angst, but not so great for real life. I was never looking. I'm never looking when a relationship crosses my path. Either that's just my luck, or I suck at actively seeking out relationships. Don't know. Regardless, I was never looking. It's hard to seperate the dynamic of aging from the dynamic of experience in relationships. What I want today is as much a part of my age as my track-record. My hubby of going-on 11 years has his own house and I have mine. We spend periods of time apart that would seem strange or worrisome to many people as regards viewing us as a couple. That's fine. William and I are very comfortable with the arrangement we have. We both have our seperate interests and we both require a lot of space. Our shared needs at this point in life match and mesh well together and the observations of others are only just that, observations of others. They aren't in this relationship; their comprehension is not a requisite.
Been married to @K McIntyre for 39 years, so probably too far gone to be replaced. Interestingly, we started out as friends, and stayed on that plane for several years. I "imported" her to Guam in 1979 while I was flying with VQ-3, the stars aligned, we became lovers, and we had an impromptu squadron wedding later that year, skipper as my best man, arch of swords et al. And a bachelor party for me, mercifully two nights before, incriminating pictures of which showed up for months afterward in the Intel Officer's daily briefings. And we have always been at the core, best friends first, lovers second.
Been with the same guy for 10 years now . Married for 7.5 years. - What behaviors would you use to gauge whether or not the relationship is going to be lasting? Sharing goals and values is pretty important. Whether or not we make each other laugh. Realizing you want to be with him rather than alone. - Starting out in the relationship, how did it feel and how did you decide to continue on with it? It felt right. We had so much fun together, too much, sometimes. All kinds of shenanigans, adventures, and experiences were shared. It was awesome to kind of grow up together (though we met as adults, but we shared our early twenties, which tend to be the wildest years). So I guess cos we had fun and neither of us liked the idea of someone else dating the other person, we kept going. - How long did it take you to realize the relationship was going to be long-term? I guess when he fell seriously ill and I realized I wouldn't be going anywhere and would be willing to make all kinds of sacrifices to make his life easier, and it all felt worth it a hundred times over. - What were you looking for in a relationship and did that change when you found the person you're with (or had previously been with)? I guess ultimately I was looking for the "boring" things: a house, two kids, two cars, both of us in 9 to 5 jobs, hanging out in parks with other moms, desperate attempts to find 'me time', mid-life crises... Life didn't turn out that way (though we still have time), but I don't mind at all. Maybe it's normal for humans to adapt and learn to make the most out of an unusual situation. I think whatever expectations I had regarding finding true love, I was too much of a cynic to expect something like what we have right now, despite the multitude of challenges and uphill battles beyond our control we've had to face - or maybe it were those that forged us, difficult to say. For one, it has put things into perspective and made me appreciate very simple and small things, and I don't think I ever expected to be in a relationship this visceral and devoted where everyday feels like a blessing and a walk on a knife's edge at the same time.
I am not qualified to tell you what makes a lasting relationship, because my experience is similar to yours, and I'm not convinced permanent monogamy is practical now that people longer than ever. However...from when I was looking for permanent monogamy, I can tell you what made us couple-like and the dealbreakers that made me finally end the relationship. LTR Ex #2 and I got along fabulously for a while. He was a writer as well, and we were so like-minded in sense of humor and the way we spoke, we finished each other's sentences and would just easily, effortlessly slip into being silly together. Like--God this sounds so stupid in writing but is a good example--we'd be walking down the sidewalk and without even thinking about it, we'd start walking like the Monkees. Then we'd seamlessly drop it at the same time. Or we'd suddenly become characters and speak in silly accents, dropping it just as seamlessly. We were weird together, which I'd never had before, because I had to grow up really fast, so my life had been really "mature" and serious. We shared a lot of common interests, and he was very romantic, which I liked. Had things stayed like this, we could have gone on for decades. But the deeper the relationship became, the more he seemed to decide there was a way we "should" behave as a couple, and more to the point, a way I "should" behave as a person. Suddenly, I wasn't good enough, and he tried to turn me into his Girlfriend Improvement Project. One day he informed me that the career aspirations I'd actively been working toward since I was 16 (I was now almost 26), which he'd seemed so supportive of and encouraging of when we met, and were finally beginning to happen for me, were, in his words, "beneath" me. The music I liked suddenly wasn't good enough for his standards of behavior. He didn't approve of us calling each other by affectionate names--only by our proper first names. He started to "mansplain" me constantly. A couple of weeks before I finally had enough, he informed me that we should get qualified to join Mensa so that we could "associate with a better class of people." In short, he became an insufferable ass. (I'm sure my reaction to it made me no picnic either, because my self-esteem, which was shaky to begin with, had really started to take a hit.) One night I was mansplained one too many times, and I ended it. Conversely, there was the Guy Who Shoulda Been, aka "The One Who Got Away". The thing that made "Him" different from anyone I've ever dated, and the thing that could have made us a really good team, was that somehow, without my ever having to say anything, he always knew just what I needed, even when I didn't know, and I seemed to be that for him, too. We met while working on a project, and my self-esteem had taken such a hit, even though we were having hours-long phone conversations, I didn't realize he was into me until two of my closest guy friends set me straight. ("Whoa. Back up. He's calling you every night from the road, and you're falling asleep on the phone together? Dude! He likes you!") The other thing that made "Him" different was, there was an ease about him--sort of an unconditional, nonjudgmental acceptance--that if he asked me a question, I knew however I answered it, or whatever I said, it was OK. I could be myself and not feel judged by him...even more loved, if anything. That was a revelation. Even on the phone, hundreds of miles away, he had a warmth about him that made me feel totally wrapped in love. Lastly, the thing that could have made us really great together was, he had an effortless "I got this"ness, and he had an innate sense of when I needed it, exactly how much of it, and when I didn't need it at all. I'm really independent and have a tendency to attract guys who are either controlling, or, at the exact opposite end of the spectrum, guys who are really lazy in relationships who are bad in a crisis and leave everything to me. Both types are exhausting and are not what I need. He was none of those things. The reason I ended it with "Him"--the only reason--is because I have a chronic illness. We'd met during a remission period, and it came back, really badly, just as his own career was taking off. I wanted him to go get his dreams, which needed his total focus if they were going to happen, so I ended it.
I am a dreamer and my husband is a do-er, so we've been completing each other really well for the past 20 years. Because he works away from home most of the time, I've had to learn to dream a little less and do a lot more. Sometimes I wonder, "what would I do without him?", but then I tell myself "what would I have done if we'd never met?" I don't know the answer to that, but I'm sure I wouldn't have been as happy in life as I am now.
Not looking on the past, this would be high hypothetical. Honestly as long as both parties have/do things that contribute to the relationship, they will have a chance. As long as they can find some way to get along for the long haul, and not let the petty things get in the way, or decide that it is better to cheat before breaking it off. Granted this is based on past exp. without going into the gritty bits, but life is a learning curve. Being male and short, is not something you just overcome when people set the bar out of reach from the get go. And while most won't admit they are judging you purely on the superficial, 99% of the time they are. But to have it work in the LTR you have to have some compatible traits in your shared characters, otherwise it was doomed to fail from the start. Ok, I am off to be lonely and play games on the comp. because I am short, and well not superficial or shallow. Also I have some strange hobbies that people don't try to understand, but are just simply afraid of for no reason. And none of them are really all that bad, people just like to judge unfairly.
I've been married since 2011 and together with my husband since 2008 - What behaviors would you use to gauge whether or not the relationship is going to be lasting? Similar priorities and values in life. Kindness and respect for each other. Open communication. Showing each other forgiveness and grace. Trying to change for the other person, taking their feelings and priorities into account, even if you fail often. - Starting out in the relationship, how did it feel and how did you decide to continue on with it? On the reverse, what made you decide that this wasn't going to be the long-term relationship for you? From a Christian as well as a Chinese background, I have always been led to believe all relationships should have marriage as its final goal - in other words, every relationship should be serious lol. So once I entered a relationship, continuing with it was never a question. When I was 17 or 18, around that time a book by Joshua Harris became rather popular amongst well-meaning but ultimately uber naive Christian teens (I was one of them) and so there was also always the notion that perhaps you should marry the first person you date. (the premise was, you shouldn't be dating unless you were gonna marry them in the first place) From the Chinese cultural perspective, at least my mum anyway, if you've been dating for more than 3 years and not married, then you're "wasting your time", esp from the woman's perspective (because women should marry young, whereas for men it matters less). So from this background, honestly, the fact that my semi-abusive ex broke up with me and that I met my husband, who turned out to be the best man ever, all this I attribute to God's blessing and provision, because it certainly wasn't from my own wisdom or shrewdness of mind, in any way. I was always ready to devote myself to the first man willing to marry me - yeah that sounds kinda sad, but I honestly was. From this sort of background, I'd say a divorce would have been likely because with age I would have realised how stupid it all was. - How long did it take you to realize the relationship was going to be long-term? In light of my above paragraph, this is probably the wrong question for me. But we had our rocky moments before we got married because my mother-in-lawdid all she could to split us up. When we announced we were gonna be married, she threatened to disown him. She threw his clothes into the trash outside the house, which was found by his brother and resulted in a fight between the brother and their mother. She refused to speak English with me for the longest time (she's an English teacher) - I was the guest she had to tolerate but that didn't mean she was gonna welcome me. 2 months before the wedding, she took my husband to a psychologist to examine whether he was right in the head for choosing me. She told him I didn't love him, I can't possibly love him, that I'll make him miserable, that our kids would be ugly and be discriminated against (I'm of Chinese descent - husband and his family are Czech). So, considering all this, my husband got really confused, doubting whether he loved me, tried to end it with me several times. Honestly, this back and forth was a repeat of my last relationship, albeit in a different context (my ex said he loved me to get blow jobs, and then told me he feels so guilty he led me on that he must leave right now, and then he'd return the next day, and on that went for a year. Hurra.) So I asked myself, how was it different this time? Am I just being stupid again? Should I just end it now? Three things stopped me, and convinced me it was different this time. 1. He was the kindest man I've ever met. I've honestly never met someone as sweet as him. And I just kept asking myself, "Where else am I gonna find such a good man?" 2. I wanted to break up if the man wasn't right for me. But if he was right for me, then I'm willing to wait and win his heart, because that's worth it for the right man. Never mind his mother, never mind the confusion. Is he the right one? Is he good for me? Does he treat me well? Can I see myself with him forever? Because if he isn't right for me, than evil mothers or no, I should leave. If he is right for me, then I'm not gonna let go of him for anything or anyone. 3. He tried. We'd talk, we'd discuss everything his mum said, discuss how that's made him feel, discuss his thoughts. Some of the faults his mum pointed out were accurate - and I asked him, "Can you live with that? 'Cause that's part of me. I can try and be better but there's probably a high chance at least a bit of this bad stuff will remain. Don't marry me if you can't live with it, because your mum's right." And in the midst of that, inevitably, things would come up that he's been doing wrong and things he could do to help me be better - these things are usually two-way. And in the course of the week immediately following the conversation, I always saw an improvement. He took my words seriously, he took my needs seriously, and he made an effort to meet them. Love is more than words. If he says he doesn't know if he loves me, yet he does this - he adapts to my needs and wants and is sensitive to me, makes sacrifices for me - that tells me he loved me. I realised his actions were different to the confusion in his head. His actions were sure. He was just confused. I can forgive that. This was, of course, helped by my own parents. My dad specifically. My dad told me to be patient with my husband because I should understand that these negative words coming from my husband's mother have immense weight, because in the end, she is his mother. He said that if either himself or my mum were to do what my husband's mother was doing at the time, he was sure I'd probably have second thoughts. And he's right. - What are some quirks that were endearing to you? What are some quirks that you can't stand, but are able to look past? Are there any that you can't? How did/do you handle those? Quirks I can't look past - probably how my husband can't seem to put anything back in the right place. But at the same time, he does so much around the house - he holds down a full time job that pays for rent and food and then he comes home and often does the dishes, mops and vacuums, as well as plays with our toddler daughter, and never complains when I want to go out with a friend and leave our daughter with him. Never. (Unless it's been like 3 nights in a row and he's getting exhausted lol - everything within reason) So, honestly? I can take him not putting things back in place. It's ok. Endearing quirk that I also can't stand - he's so damn nice. But sometimes it gets to the point where I feel he's forgotten about me or our daughter because he's so concerned with making someone else happy, whether it's our guests or it's the stranger on the tram. I guess you can't have everything. I'd still rather it were this way, that he's just overly attentive than not attentive. Last quirk - he can be a tad judgemental. This is usually neutralised through conversation, as he's also very open to alternative views, so we just talk about it and tamper down the judgement in time. - What were you looking for in a relationship and did that change when you found the person you're with (or had previously been with)? I have no idea what I was looking for. I was in my final year of university desperate to be married lol. I'm not even kidding. I was also stuck in a loop with my semi-abusive ex and I just needed another guy to come along and take my attention off that piece of work. It wasn't that I didn't see how nasty my ex was being - it was more that there wasn't anyone else and yeah, I was kinda needy. Hey I was like 20, 21 and raised to think I was born to be married, sooooo... Thank God I got a good one in the end eh? It could have totally gone a whole different way, considering my level of naivety.
