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  1. JayClassical

    JayClassical Member

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    Review my Blurb? (plz/thx)

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by JayClassical, Mar 1, 2019.

    Toxic Lunch Blurb

    "In the lower bowels of the social hierarchy, Richard the hard pressed teen crawls through the trenches of high school. As he navigates the world of hungry egos and runaway hormones, things hit the fan when his over indulgent mother gets sent to prison. Amid his perverted fantasies and day dreams of carnage against the school, can Richard get the rent paid while avoiding social services and filling the monstrous void of life? In a chaotic world where a little bit of cynicism can be healthy… too much and things get toxic."

    Toxic Lunch is a novel about one adolescent trying to curb himself off the path to insanity. It is actually a dark comedy for the new age. For those living in the jungle world of substance abuse and mental distortions. Richard rides the popularity stock market and experiences the high school life on both sides of the cool spectrum. Being accepted into different clicks then getting kicked out. In the end the book is about saving yourself as I try to unravel that deep philosophical enigma on what it takes to be happy.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2019
  2. BayView

    BayView Huh. Interesting. Contributor

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    This is for the back cover of a book?

    I'm not used to the "show" in one paragraph "tell" in the next approach, but I've seen other self-published authors here try something like it, so maybe it's a new self-publishing thing? I don't know. For me, it doesn't work, but that might just be me.

    For the more traditional part of the blurb...

    In the lower bowels of the social hierarchy, Richard the hard pressed teen [this almost feels like a title to me, like it should be "Richard the Hard-Pressed Teen". If not that, then I'd suggest getting rid of the "hard pressed teen" part - it feels redundant] crawls through the trenches of high school.[You've got a mixed metaphor here - bowels and trenches. I'd pick one and stick with it.] As he navigates the world of hungry egos and runaway hormones, things hit the fan when his over-indulgent mother gets sent to prison. Amid his perverted fantasies and day dreams of carnage against the school, can Richard get the rent paid while avoiding social services and filling the monstrous void of life? In a chaotic world where a little bit of cynicism can be healthy… too much and things get toxic.[You're using the same sentence formulation a lot... In the..., As he..., Amid his..., In a.... It makes it difficult to feel any real flow between the sentences - It feels more like you've glued four "hook" lines together, rather than written one full, coherent paragraph. Could you smooth things out, do you think?]

    In terms of the content, I'm a bit worried about the "perverted fantasies" and "day dreams of carnage against the school" part. Those are two pretty sensitive areas for a lot of readers... I assume you're going for an audience that's okay with reading those sorts of ideas from teenage characters in which case you might want to actually play them UP in your blurb? Like, accept that that's going to be a repellent for a lot of readers but may be an attractant for your prospective audience, in which case maybe you should make it more clear? Not sure.
     
  3. Paneera

    Paneera Banned

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    I saw a spelling mistake. Clicks should be cliques.

    I love the title: TOXIC LUNCH

    You say it is a dark comedy. I don't feel any comedy, dark as it may be, don't feel it.
     
    J.D. Ray likes this.
  4. JayClassical

    JayClassical Member

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    Thanks for the feedback. The second paragraph was just a back drop for you guys and not a part of the blurb. The glued hook lines was just what I needed and maybe I can refine it so it wouldn't be too triggering. Thanks.
     
  5. Charlie TC

    Charlie TC New Member

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    Definitely take out "The hard pressed teen." He's navigating high school, we know he's a teen. I also get the dark, but see no humor. You need to include something to show the reader it's funny, and not just a dark essay of a troubled kid.
    Good luck!
     

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