100% I think when anyone mentions present tense people lose their minds, lol I mean like you said different strokes for different folks. But I'll defiantly be doing more present tense fics when I have the time alright.
100% I think when anyone mentions present tense people lose their minds, lol I mean like you said different strokes for different folks. But I'll defiantly be doing more present tense fics when I have the time alright.
I don't know about the context of the whole scene so this is just a suggestion: The young Airbender noticed her waver momentarily. He turned his head to the side (and eyed/,eyeing) her from the corner of his vision. I think that both "and eyed" or ", eyeing" is correct upon this context. Maybe the choice should depend on what follows after. "Observed" is not wrong either, but I think that "noticed" brings out a more momentary feel. Another variation might be: "... turned his head to the side and followed her with the corner of his eye." Have a happy editing day!
As @ChickenFreak says, you're already in present tense, just not consistent with it...which you need to be, whichever tense you end up in. As far as present tense/past tense goes, my preference is for past tense; but enough books (Hunger Games?) get published in present for it to be acceptable. Here is where your get to choose a verb, and the effect it has on the impression on the reader: glanced says he flicked his eyes across, saw her, and then turned his attention back to his beer. eyed says he took a good look at her, while trying to make sure she didn't see him. observed says he took a good look at her, and wasn't too bothered whether or not she saw him; in fact, he rather hoped she would, and then come over and give him a chance to talk to her...without having to make the first move and look a bit needy!
Okay guys and gals what about this one: “Try and not have too much fun without me” she replied back, the mocking smile now easily discernible on her features. So the subject verb: replied this checks the past tense? Yes. However notice the now, I'm guessing it shouldn't be problematic as the subject verb has already been addressed in the past tense, or should I change it to 'was'? No I'm overthinking it am I? Now should check out as past progressive? I'm just thinking was sounds too distant, I don't want the reader to think they're looking through a pair of binoculars reading this ya know.
I would remove the "now" in question. "Try and not have too much fun without me,(comma here)" she replied (replied back is redundant), the mocking smile easily discernible on her features. Also, "on her features" is a bit clumsy. I'm sure you could find a more succinct word than features. On which feature/s is the smile discernible. I'd want to think it's her mouth, or eyes.
You don't need the now at all--you can just cut the word. However, if you did need it, I think that there's no tense issue with it.
“Try and not have too much fun without me,” she replied, the mocking smile easily discernible on her lips. Yep this checks the boxes much better alright, as said cut the redundancy, cheers guys.
Last one I promise “Yeah I’d really per fare if was a different colauuugg,“ his words were cut off when she pushed the ball into his mouth. Its size forcing his mouth open and his tongue to be forced into the back of his mouth. She made her way around to his back and tightened the leather straps around his head; this forced the ball even further into his mouth. To his surprise it sat comfortably behind his teeth and any thoughts he had that he wasn’t going to be able to breathe were quickly elevated when he found he could breathe through his nose just fine. Its firm but squishy texture making it pleasant to bite down on. He didn’t have time to contemplate his new found loss of speech when his skin turned electric, the flash of pain amalgamated with the crack of the flogger came down hard on his backside. It had been hard just like he had asked, its sting reverberated throughout his entire body. Pain and pleasure again clashed and mingled in a fierce battle for supremacy, his shouts of satisfaction being lost to the gag its appointed use being ‘filled’ right down to the letter. Excuse the pun he’d thought. Seems to check out okay -ish I think. BTW: if this BDSM stuff is making anyone uncomfortable I'm very sorry just let me know and I'll post less explicit sections to check lol.
It is come to think of it, this perhaps: “Try not have too much fun without me” Lol only thing I could think of XD Maybe: “Don't have too much fun without me” ?
