Yeah I think so too. I have studied higher education for five years so I am much more comfortable writing academically. This is a new world to me and something that I have not studied for. I posted the entire chapter at the workshop for novels a few days ago, but I didn't get much response because people couldn't get through the first paragraph. I would very much appreciate if you gave me your two cents about it. Here is the link; https://www.writingforums.org/threads/book-of-legacy-chapter-one-fantasy.143094/
Grammar can definitely be fixed whilst editing. But a paid editor will cost an arm and a leg, and you run the risk that he'll change the meaning because your original was in some way ambiguous...as in the last sentence in this section. I've been quite picky below because you did say you wanted this to be perfect. In particular, there are a couple of words which don't mean what I think you want them to mean.
I missed the "paid editor" part until I saw the response to it. I think that the grammar issues go so deep into the style that you must learn to edit them yourself, or you'll lose control of your writing. You would end up with that person being a co-author more than an editor. A writer has to master grammar. There's just no getting around it. If you just fixed a few categories of errors, the piece in the review room would be much, much better. - Correct handling of singular versus plural. - Correct punctuation of dialogue. - Eliminating incomplete sentences.
Truth is, you can't truly write well without sufficient grammar skills - because you don't even have basic command of the language, so what hope do you have of playing with words and structure in order to create a beautiful paragraph? However, that is not to say you shouldn't write. I remember when I was 10 I wanted to write, but I wouldn't, because my grammar was poor (I'd only just emigrated to England then so my command of English was poor) And my mum said that I should just write for my own enjoyment. So I did. And yes, gradually my grammar improved till now when I no longer have issues with it. So, realistically you cannot hope to get published just yet, but the more you study the craft, read and write, the more you'll improve. But no, it's not something an editor can just magically fix and make your work publishable for you.
What the hell? you really don't think that I have the basic command of the English language?... that that is less than encouraging.
Focus on emphasis. Typically emphatic words should come at the end of sentences. You have a few lines that end with a whimper--"next to him," "in the hallway," and "organise them again." The next thing you should focus on is chronology. Cause should always come before effect. In the line with the door, you have this backward; the door's opening, causing the gust of wind and the papers to scatter, should come first in that line. At the beginning of a book, I do prefer a closer POV. This seems to be a more objective POV, as though you're keeping the readers a safe distance from the characters. I want some sense of the old man's character. You could add some specifics as well: What do the candles look like, what the room smells like, what the boy's jacket looks like. Since this is an opening, you certainly don't want to beat your reader over the head with details, but some specifics will help IMO.
I think that you have a command of the English language that goes well beyond basic, but that there are several categories of errors that you make repeatedly. These errors cause a moment of distraction every sentence or two, making it very difficult to judge the piece. It's odd to see those errors in a piece that otherwise shows a good mastery of the language, but perhaps that's explained by the fact that you don't normally write fiction--perhaps you mastered everything that you needed for academic writing and never had cause to run into these, so your increasing mastery of the language just left some areas behind. As another nuance, I'm not quite sure whether the issue here is that you haven't edited quite enough, and the errors that you don't catch are errors that a native speaker would not have made in the first place (rather than the ample errors that a native speaker might make), or if there are errors where you don't know the rule that is needed to make the correction. For example, this sentence from the review room piece--which has far more errors than most of the piece; I'm not suggesting that the whole piece has this level of error frequency. The boys takes most of their cloths of and sits down. When you see this sentence in isolation, do you see what's wrong with it? It has four errors: The boys takes 'The boys' is plural, so it should be 'take'. most of their cloths This should be "clothes". of This should be "off", not "of". and sits down. And this, again, should be "sit", because "boys" is plural. You seem to be resisting the idea that you'll need to master these areas and edit the issues out. But I'm afraid that that is unavoidable. The sample sentence above is easy to edit in a mechanical way, but there are other issues, such as the organization of dialogue, and deciding which of the many incomplete sentences to leave and which to make complete (and how to make them complete), and some problems in voice, for which correction requires creative decisions.
Thx, there is defiantly a different language used in academic writing. I am also aware that I am a bit clumsy and overlook things when I write. I often rewrite posts several times before I get it right. (and even then I don't get it 100% right. Perhaps I was not meant to be writing) I suppose I am a bit hasty when I consider the chapter to be finished. However, the "the boys takes vs take" I honestly did not know. Strangely enough. So if it is singular "the boy" it would be takes? or for instance, "the pen strokes"?
Correct--there are a number of subject-verb agreement issues. I assume (I may be wrong) that you wouldn't say: An old man are sitting in a chair. This is a similar issue.
I think people are getting awfully tiered of this paragraph by now, (especially ChickenFreak) but I have reworked it yet again. Hopefully it is satisfactory. The pen strokes gently against the paper. A drop of ink falls from the pencil, disfiguring one of the letters. He grunts as the stain spreads across his last sentence. In frustration he crumples the paper and throws it into the darkness of the room. He watches as the room swallows it, into the nothingness. For a moment he wishes that he could do the same, but then remembers things that he must do, a purpose unfulfilled (or things undone). Embarrassed by his own thoughts he reaches for a new sheet of paper under his desk, thinking that old age is getting to him. The candles on his desk creates a beacon of clarity in the darkness. A loud crash comes from the other room, followed by a gust of wind; making the darkness swallow his surroundings. He sighs heavily, grabbing is neck-long beard. Should have locked the door, he thinks as he glances out the window wondering who would visit him on such a stormy evening.
I'm going to treat this as a review room item, since the larger piece is in the review room. So, some specific corrections, with your words in strikethrough and my replacements next to them I'm still uncomfortable with a "he" that hasn't been introduced, but it's less problematic with so many of the other issues cleared up. The semicolon between "wind' and "making" should be a comma--a semicolon requires that the phrases on either side of it be complete sentences. "Should have locked the door" has a fairly modern, slangish feeling to it, and the old man doesn't feel modern or slangish. I see this as a voice issue. To offer an example of a very severe voice issue, you wouldn't expect to hear Merlin say, "Hey, dude, what's up?" (Edited to clarify: It's the lack of subject that gives it that slangish feel. It would be eliminated if you added a subject, as in, "He should have locked the door." or "I should have locked the door.") I don't understand how a "neck long beard" is long enough to grab. Can you explain what you're envisioning here? I'm still not sure about this as an opening. It makes the room, the darkness, and the paper important, and then they never turn out to have any significance--or at least they don't before the end of the chapter.
Ah, sorry, didn't mean to imply you don't have all the basics. Obviously you do, because I understand your posts. What I was saying was more general - that if you don't have the basics, then it's hard to write well. You admitted that your grammar is a little lacking when you said you hoped an editor could fix it up for you - if you are writing with that expectation in mind, then that implies to me that your grasp of grammar may not be sufficiently firm to write a novel just yet, because the one whose grammar skills are sufficient wouldn't be writing with "Oh the editor will fix it" in mind. There'd be almost nothing to fix grammatically-speaking for that person. However, all this is implications and assumptions. For all I know your grammar skills might surpass mine. I have no idea, nor does it matter to me really. If you feel your grammar is fine and assuming it really is, then that's wonderful.
I think maybe you're trying too hard. Sentences like "For a moment he wishes that he could do the same," seem deep, as if you're really diving into the character, but on reflection, they don't make sense. The old man wishes he could swallow paper? That was the previous action "the same" refers to. Possibly you mean he wishes he could be swallowed by the darkness, but that would need to be reworded, and still wouldn't make sense - we know the darkness is very limited, and the paper is still in the room - does he just want to lie down on the floor or something? And then we have him glancing out the window, but this doesn't really fit with the darkness swallowing his surroundings. If it's pitch black, how can he even see the window, let alone glance out it? I think you might want to move on and leave these paragraphs alone. It feels like you've lost the meaning of your words.
I agree with @BayView. It's feeling overwrought. I would genuinely move on from here and continue on. In every iteration it ends with this unexpected visitor, so nothing has changed as regards what is happening so far. There's no reason you cannot come back to this paragraph. You may find, as you continue along, that this first paragraph isn't even the true first paragraph of the story, but that it's somewhere else. Happens to me all the time.
There's still something disjointed in the way the sentences flow together. It's like those are all individual statements unrelated to each other. Perhaps make use of fragments and again, vary the length of your sentences. Again I say, take notice of the rhythm of your piece, the way words sound when read together, the beats in each sentence. Anyway I agree with @BayView - perhaps move on to another part of the story. You can always come back to this later. Do you believe there's something wrong with the paragraph? If yes, what might that be? If no, then leave it be. Regardless of whether there's really something wrong with the paragraph, if you can't see what's wrong or simply don't even think anything is wrong, and yet you keep changing it, you'll only end up messing it up more and ruin even the good parts in it. Focus rather on what you think your writing needs. The last time I changed every last damn thing that a reader didn't like, without questioning whether I see it as a problem, my manuscript ended up completely ruined. It's not to say dismiss feedback - but there's no need to obsess over something if you don't think it has a problem. In time as you gain experience, you can come back and see for yourself whether there really was a problem.
You are all probably right. But I cannot trust my own opinion because I never saw the huge flaws and mistakes that plagued the paragraph at the beginning. I will finish editing the story and give it out for free, since it will not be worth any money to begin with. Pure fiction is obviously out of my reach. Maybe I can find a way to merge real research with story telling somehow, or even have a co-writer. It is kind of sad actually because the story is really good. (or so I believe) Only, it will not have the release it deserves. Anyway, enough self loathing. Thx everyone for taking your time helping me improve my writing. For those that are interested, I would like to give a short summery of what happens in the first chapter: So there are three characters that enters the house one after the other. The main character (MC) enters first, he visits the Grand Master (GM) regularly because he reads a lot and have a lot of questions. The second character is a girl who recently asks many questions to the GM as well, but the MC doesn't not know that yet. They happen to visit at the same time and then the door opens a third time and two other male characters enter the house. They have a crush on the girl and follows her around. With this I introduce two of the three peoples of the race called the Avos. The Avos is a people of red, yellow and blue eyes. One of the characters has violet eyes though, to show what happens when two of the three main peoples mix. Exactly like mixing paint. Most Avos are of mixed heritage now, with their eye colour ranging from all colours of the visible spectrum. The story hints that most of the blue and yellow eyed peoples are gone because of a civil war long ago. The first chapter also introduces a people called the Vaan that is the natives of the land. The GM has immense hatered towards them even though they are not around anymore. (supposedly) Later the MC leaves the house and then learn more about the Empire, the social structure of the land and that there is a rebellion far away that may spread to their part of the land soon. Then his parents are introduced, he has difficulty with his father who is very shallow but still loves his son. His mother is a book worm like him, but she always reads a mysterious book that is written in another language that the MC cannot read. She has read it for a long time and finally the MC's curiosity takes over and he touches a stone that is emended in the cover of the book. A force transfers into his body and he feels exhausted. His mother almost looks proud of him when he meets her in the kitchen later. To tiered to talk he goes into his room and passes out. Ending the first chapter. Don't bother pointing out the grammatical errors here, which I am sure there are many of.
You make this mistake a lot. There is a verb agreement error here. Three characters are a plural, they, "They enter the house", not "They enters the house". Verbs that end in /s/ are 2nd person singular, not plural. Again, verb agreement error. The "main character" is one person, singular, he or she, "He has", not "He have". In English you do not ask questions to someone, you ask someone questions. "... who recently asked the GM questions..." They follow, not they follows.... People is only pluralized into peoples when you use the word to mean different groups, races, ethnicities, nationalities, etc. of people. Since they are all of the Avos race, then just "two of the three people". People is already plural. No need for the /s/.
Out of your reach right now. I think that you can get there. Yours isn't one of the writing samples that I look at and say, "Oh. Maybe they'd be better off taking up gardening." The underlying ability is there, IMO. You seem to be giving up based on the discovery that you're not all the way there yet. You currently have a level of ambition that goes beyond your skill. If you were able to bring yourself to write simpler, cleaner, barer prose, you could get to workable fiction much faster. You'd still need to fix some issues that stem from English being your second language, but the toolkit that you currently have would represent a pretty good percentage of the tools that you would need. If you are determined to try for complex, poetic, striving-for-profound prose, it's going to take a lot longer. I would suggest putting the novel aside and polishing your skills with some shorter pieces.
If by "giving it out for free" you mean you want to give your book to your friends and family, then by all means. But if you meant self-publishing it and then allowing free downloads, definitely don't do that. If a book is not ready for the public eye, then write and read it for your own enjoyment but don't ruin your reputation by putting out a book that's quite clearly not ready, even by your own admission. (since you say you don't think the story's worth any money, which must mean you doubt its quality, which means it's probably not ready) Personally I wouldn't even show it to friends and family though, if I didn't feel the book was ready - unless I was asking for beta-reading or critique. Keep on writing - it doesn't matter if you keep writing your novel or shorter pieces as Chicken above suggests. You'll improve and you'll get there. Everyone has to start somewhere and even Shakespeare and Kafka wrote crap once upon a time Enjoy your work, be proud of it, get feedback from one or two trusted writer friends to improve, and think about publishing again a few years from now. And yes, it's really okay even if your work is not quite there yet. Because it won't stay that way forever as long as you keep improving, and you will, if you keep practicing. So keep writing! Believe in your own potential and maybe one day you'll surprise us all
Lit only by a few candles, the old man copies from a parchment when a gust of wind extinguishes the candles and scatters all the papers from his desk. Sighing heavily and grabbing is neck-long beard, he knows exactly how long it will take to once again organise the papers. Just then the door to the hallway opens, and standing he is met by a young man in his early teens removing his water soaked jacket.
