Novel Share Your First Paragraph

Well, I wouldn't consider that a problem, to be honest. The paragraph isn't there to set the scene, as it's a flashforward meant to hint that everything will go really bad for the MC. The would-be second paragraph is the one which sets the first scene.

 

Ok then

 

precise instant is a tautology no?

 

Trying not to reuse "moment". "Precise point", maybe?.

 

Hands up, I am not even intermediate level in creative writing. Your paragraph was inviting, but felt more that it was "telling" than "showing".

Original "As he watched his dried up bones, Leovigildo struggled to remember all the little moments which had led his life to that precise instant. He had to go back to a far away era, to that fateful day of autumn. It was a different time. A time of courage and sacrifice, of great deeds and crushing tragedies. Back then, when Caladria was celebrated as a land of honor, his people respected and reveered him, for he was a known hero, way back before he became a monster."

How I (a nobody) would write this to becoming more showing,

Gazing at his dried up bones, Leovigildo sighed while trying to remember the events leading up to this precise moment. He had to return to a far away era, knowing that day in autumn was the key, painfully realising it was fate. Those times were different, where courage and sacrifice were virtues. Great deeds and crushing tragedies were exacted, the costs of which appreciated. Back then, when Caldria was celebrated as a land of honour, his people revered him, renown spread wide of his heroic accolades. Until he became a monster

Gazing gives a sense of longing - you are showing the characters emotions in a small way.
struggled is very functional, not emotional. Having him sigh gives the reader a more empathetic connection to Leovigildo.
return means to go back - always use precise/concise words, otherwise it can give the reader a lullaby effect.
Added Leovigildo's thought process, that it is painful, to again make the reader feel more connected.
I have reworded to then remove a lot of "a, as, is, the, that" etc
revere literally means deep respect, so "respected and revered" is a tautology - you are saying the same thing.
I have used strong words such as renown to allow the reader to understand how expansive this hero is to the world - not just his people necessarily. It allows them to "size" the character better.
I have used the monster setting as its own sentence - a concise simple sentence. It makes it more matter of fact and dramatic. It feels "final".

I have also lowered the amount of pronouns in the sentence structure.

I need to stress that I have had my work go through a rigorous, painful, emotionally piercing set of editing. It can feel CRUSHING, absolutely soul destroying, but trust me, all you can do is learn! The more you learn, the better equipped you are to then feel more confident to accept/reject edits as mere stylistic differences.

You are writing VERY similar to how I started out a few months ago.

Also, believe me - I am expecting within the hour for someone to reply to my amendments saying "Nah, TwistedHelix doesn't have it right either" lol.

The sentences were inviting, you are creating intrigue, but remember, you have a subjective holding of Leovigildo, you have probably been developing him while washing up, while driving, while showering, for weeks/months. The reader hasn't. We need words and prose to make us connected to him, so show, don't tell. Of course, there are times, due to time/word count constraints where the narrator must tell, as showing would also create a lullaby effect. But the first paragraph/chapter is to invite the reader, so I would make it as "showing" to the max, without being cliche.

Just my humble 2 cents.

 

Also as an aside, it is literally dozens of times easier to edit/critique others' work than your own.

Not because of personal feelings towards your own work; though that is the case somewhat. It is the inability to separate from your perfect knowledge of the future of what will happen. You read your own sentences literally knowing what is in store, so those sentences have subjective context to you. The reader does not know the future, so the sentences need to be more...alive? More dynamic, and that doesn't necessarily mean filled with description and flourish.

I have sat and read a paragraph for 15 minutes again and again thinking "this literally cannot be reworded" and my editor in 20 seconds does it and I go "...Oh yeah, that is better actually."

I just don't want my post to come off judging.

 

It didn't seem like it. I appreciate the advice.

Some of those issues arise from a not that well thought out translation from Spanish to English, but there's definetely good critique. I'll see how your wording could be applied to the original Spanish paragraph.

 

Alrighty then. I rewrote the paragraph in Spanish, and here's the best (I think) translation I can come up with:

"Gazing at his dried up bones, Leovigildo sighed as he struggled to remember all the little moments leading up to that precise instant. He had to return to a long gone era, to that fateful day of autumn, no matter how painful it was to recover those old memories. It was a different time. A time of courage and sacrifice, when great deeds and crushing tragedies had shaped his people's indomitable spirit. Back then, when Caladria was celebrated as the land of honor, the marquis was revered in the whole kingdom, for he was in his day a reknowned hero, way back before he became a monster".

I'll try to explain some of the differences between this paragraph and your suggestion.

I can't use the "Until he became a monster" sentence, because at no point did he stop being considered a hero, it's just that everyone thinks he's dead. In fact, people think he died sacrificing his life for the good of the kingdom, which he technically did, so all the more reasons why he's still considered a hero. Also, I don't like continuing a sentence in the next one with a full stop in the middle, but maybe that's just me. I think it cuts the natural flow when reading it.

Can't mention him thinking it was fate that caused the event. One of the subplots is about him trying to decide whether his gods have intervened in his life. His final conclussion will be that the gods did nothing, and it was all the result of a series of actions from other people. It had nothing to do with him in the beginning. He was just another victim of the antagonist's scheme, amongst thousands of others.

Courage and sacrifice are still considered virtues in the present. It's just that the people haven't had a role model for a long time, and they've been slowly forgetting how they used to be.

The "deeds and tragedies" part has been rephrased to indicate that it's talking about the collective spirit of the people, not just him.

Any thoughts?

 

It's a My Hero Academia fanfiction called "Digitalization" (shameless self-promote I know #sorrynotsorry)

At the age of three, Izuku learned that all men aren't equal.

At the age of six, however, Izuku learned that miracles exist.

 

Okay, I let this thread fly for quite a while even though it's not really in keeping with a) the purpose of the upper section of the forum and b) a pretty clear sidestep of the Workshop rules. I've had to delete too many post from this thread already.