Share Your First Three Sentences

Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Tenderiser, Apr 20, 2016.

  1. Sir Robin

    Sir Robin Member

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    Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be oversensitive (and obviously I missed the initial rules- I did read the OP). I just would have thought a critique would have been more effective with a few more words at least.

    Okay, so we can get off derailing the thread... (and with apologies to my ex-forum- it's from a contest I actually won)

    It started as a beautiful day at Buckeye High School. Nobody had caught on fire this week. That had to be a good thing.
     
  2. Laurin Kelly

    Laurin Kelly Contributor Contributor

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    Don't feel bad - I did the same exact thing when I was new to the boards. I never read the OP so I didn't realize it was a critique thread.
     
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  3. Sclavus

    Sclavus Member

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    I fucking hate alarm clocks. Whether they work or not, they're a mental kick in the ass. I slept through mine that morning, which is why I didn't notice anything wrong until I opened the front door to Jude's House.
     
  4. Iain Aschendale

    Iain Aschendale Unworthy in the eyes of the LORD Contributor

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    Sounds like you're staying at Jude's house, or...

    Dunno, I'm with you up through "the front door" but "to Jude's house." kind of throws me off kilter.
     
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  5. Iain Aschendale

    Iain Aschendale Unworthy in the eyes of the LORD Contributor

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    You've got the spirit though :)

    Flesh Wound.png
     
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  6. Laurus

    Laurus Disappointed Idealist

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    "I'd take a bullet for you, she said, before stepping out of the way. She didn't have to die for me. After all, there were three -- enough for us all. "
     
  7. Cave Troll

    Cave Troll I can't paws right now, stuff to do. Contributor

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    The first sentence reminds me of that Pop song, the one that I can't right now name.
    None the less I am sure you know the one. Exactly what does leading off with a suicide
    pact offer to a reader? We haven't had time to invest in the characters to really understand
    why they are all on board to die. I get you are trying to lead with something intense to
    jump-start the story, but I am not sure what to think based on this header. o_O
     
  8. Laurus

    Laurus Disappointed Idealist

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    Interesting that you got suicide pact from this. That tells me I need to rework it. That, or quickly get into the meat of the plot.
     
  9. Spencer1990

    Spencer1990 Contributor Contributor

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    For what it's worth, I did not get suicide pact. Though, I think if you don't give me some context quickly (which I'm sure you do) I'd be a little disappointed/frustrated.
     
  10. Cave Troll

    Cave Troll I can't paws right now, stuff to do. Contributor

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    My second theory is that they are waiting for the firing squad, or to be executed by a lone captor.
    In which case, context better be doing 300 MPH to make the whole affair understandable to
    the reader as to what is going on.
     
  11. Laurus

    Laurus Disappointed Idealist

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    Noted, and noted. Thank you both. I'll make sure context comes in hot.
     
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  12. KiloBravo

    KiloBravo Member Supporter

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    But.... I'd still read on.
     
  13. John Calligan

    John Calligan Active Member

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    First three lines to the most recent part of my web serial:

    A pale blue light circled Emile’s uncovered feet. The moon had sailed behind thick clouds and the campfires had burned low, leaving her tent in total darkness. The orb’s light was barely enough to see the outline of her toes.
     
  14. KiloBravo

    KiloBravo Member Supporter

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    Is the pale blue light the moon? Just curious if the moon (orb?) or something else and if the light was penetrating through the tent. I'd read on to find out...
     
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  15. John Calligan

    John Calligan Active Member

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    At least you'd be reading it ;) lol
     
  16. izzybot

    izzybot Oportet Vivere Contributor

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    I'd argue that it can't be total darkness if there is some light (pale blue light; campfires burning low, not out). I'd also try to eliminate the repetition of 'light' in the third sentence. And I'm unclear on whether it's an orb or a ring/circle, but I assume that'll be made apparent soon enough. 'Uncovered' seems like an odd word choice - would 'bare' fit? Eh, I'm nitpicking. It's an intriguing start.
     
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  17. The Dapper Hooligan

    The Dapper Hooligan Member

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    To me 'uncovered' gives the idea that she's in the tent under covers, but her feet are poking out, while 'bare just tells me she's not wearing any socks. I agree with the 'total darkness', though, 'near total darkness' might work better (?).
     
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  18. izzybot

    izzybot Oportet Vivere Contributor

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    Yeah, I wasn't sure if that was the intention or not ... Could use some clarifying imo.
     
  19. Spagelo

    Spagelo New Member

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    "The stone watches sculptors come and go,
    Waiting for Michelangelo.
    Like bards who cannot find a word,
    Minstrels wonder if their act’s absurd.
    And painters ask what they lack,
    Why their brushes have turned to black."

    From a work in progress. So far, 105 lines of AABBCC and AAA. Will post on the site upon completion.
     
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  20. izzybot

    izzybot Oportet Vivere Contributor

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    I like it! Don't know a thing about poetry, but I like it. The second line needs one more syllable, though, doesn't it?
     
  21. The Dapper Hooligan

    The Dapper Hooligan Member

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    I like it, but lnes 3 and 4 seem a bit out of rhythm to me. 'Minstrels' seems to make line 4 a bit longer, which itself isn't a problem because so is line 1, but line 5 just a little shorter than the rest, so it's a bit more noticeable back to back. I'm not going to make a judgement on that, though, because this is 6 lines of something much larger and it could be a pattern you're establishing.
     
  22. Iain Aschendale

    Iain Aschendale Unworthy in the eyes of the LORD Contributor

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    Same here, I don't know much about poetry, but the last two lines seem truncated. Would read more, however.
     
  23. Spagelo

    Spagelo New Member

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    Editing is in its very early stages. I plan to fix what I think needs to be fixed later, but I haven't even come close to the end. It could be another month or two before I release it.
     
  24. OJB

    OJB Senior Member

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    Is this meant to be Syllabic, Accent, or Accent-Syllablic?

    If it is last (Which is the most common form of Meter in English, you have some problems.)
     
  25. John Calligan

    John Calligan Active Member

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    Yeah, the repetition of light isn't great. She is in a tent, under covers, with her foot sticking out. I actually went back and forth between bare and uncovered.

    I went with "total darkness" because from personal experience, being in a canvas tent in the middle of nowhere under a cloudy sky is dark enough that you can't see your hand in front of your face.

    Here is the rest of the opening paragraph:
    A pale blue light circled Emile’s uncovered feet. The moon had sailed behind thick clouds and the campfires had burned low, leaving her tent in total darkness. The orb’s light was barely enough to see the outline of her toes. She sat up a little to watch it, unconsciously matching her breathing to the slow pulse of its light. It floated higher and laughed with a sweet, childlike voice.

    I don't think I'm normally that bad about repetition, but this one slipped by me. I had a hard time starting this chapter.

    Edit - here is the updated version. I removed the middle "light." Do you think there is enough room between the two that are left to make it feel less repetitive?

    A pale blue light circled Emile’s uncovered feet. The moon had sailed behind thick clouds and the campfires had burned low, leaving her tent in total darkness. The orb was just bright enough to see the outline of her toes. She sat up a little to watch it, unconsciously matching her breathing to the slow pulse of its light. It floated higher and laughed with a sweet, childlike voice.
     

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