Share Your Last Three Sentences

Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Masked Mole, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. XRD_author

    XRD_author Member Supporter

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    “Sharl,” Lily said, “please don’t.”
    “Fine… but don’t settle for the first eligible male to see your wings!”
    “Don’t settle,” Wilderman said, “period.”
     
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  2. Albaman

    Albaman Member

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    From the end of my prologue:

    The silence that followed was quickly broken by a shrill scream. The younger woman glared at the scene in front of her, unsure what to do. Then the murderer, for that was what he was now, snatched the satchel and before any of the unfortunate spectators could say or do anything else, he ran.
     
  3. frigocc

    frigocc Member

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    It's confusing who's taking to who .
     
  4. XRD_author

    XRD_author Member Supporter

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    Is it?
    Lily's clearly talking to Sharl (direct address),
    No one else but Sharl would respond to Lily's request by saying "Fine",
    and Wilderman is modifying what Sharl said to Lily with his own comment.

    The line preceding Lily's was Sharl's, and included a speaker attribution.

    [The subject is scaring off Lily's potential husbands -- Sharlotte's very protective of her winged adopted younger sister.
    Being the product of advanced and illegal genetic engineering, Lily has to keep those (bat-like) wings hidden.
    Very few people outside her adoptive family know she has them.]

    The lines above are the last lines of Book 1. In Book 2 Lily gets engaged (among other things).
     
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  5. Thundair

    Thundair Contributor Contributor

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    Maybe the preceding narrative reveal this characters former self , but to me it seems almost a parenthetical phrase inserted into the sentence.
    At any rate as a reader it was a stumbling point.
     
  6. Thundair

    Thundair Contributor Contributor

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    Would it flow better if Isabella said, "Lyla made this one with Rose." or "Lyla and Rose made this one." I guess it becomes the voice of the author after a bit.
     
  7. Spirit of seasons

    Spirit of seasons Active Member

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    Perhaps, at the start of Lyla’s story she makes it on her own, Rose places in on her parents gravestone. Violet knew as much from the letter Lyla had written her for when she came of age. This the end of the second epilogue, basicly a short glimpse into Violet’s life. I could write a whole new book with her, but I have other stuff to write.

    Maybe: “Lyla and Rose made this...”, or: “Lyla made this for Rose.”
     
  8. frigocc

    frigocc Member

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    Ignore the long sentences and weird structure. Edited like 6 lines to make them 3.

    --

    I wasn't making a single fucking dent in this world, and I knew it. If I was wiped off the face of the planet, no one would even notice - I didn't have the curb appeal of guys like Batman, Captain America, or Larry Legend. They had nothing that I didn't have, they were a bunch of northern kids that wanted more out of life, just like me.
     
  9. Thundair

    Thundair Contributor Contributor

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    The last sentence doesn't play well for me. I would split it up.

    Larry Bird seems like an odd addition to Batman and Captain America. Two made up heros and a real guy.
     
  10. frigocc

    frigocc Member

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    In context, hoping it makes more sense. It's a typical dude from Boston that takes tons of pride in sports. Hell he names himself The Green Monster.
     
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  11. LadyErica

    LadyErica Member

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    In her career, she had been stabbed, shot, thrown off of a cliff, left to drift in space, buried alive, set on fire, and somehow lived to tell the tale. It was only fitting her grand finale would be to drown in sewage.

    “Mr. Biggles, if I drown before I can rescue you, I will come back to haunt you until the day you die,” she grinned.

    (note: not the end of the book, only the end of the latest chapter. And Mr. Biggles is a cat.)
     
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  12. frigocc

    frigocc Member

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    Actually really like the first two sentences. Third kinda takes away from the first two, in my opinion. I say that because it doesn't really seem like dialog/internal thoughts that would actually take place. But overall, not bad.

    Here's my latest three. So many apostrophes, but words are words.

    --

    After eating, I was about an hour in on my patrol, and it was already cold as hell outside. I'm more of a warm weather-type superhero, so I can't be wearing just spandex when it's thirty-four out. Ball-shriveling is bad enough without skin-tight clothing.
     
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  13. Thundair

    Thundair Contributor Contributor

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    @frigocc I would drop the ...After eating...... It shifts my thoughts to something that is unrelated to the rest of the story.
    I like the visual.
     
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  14. frigocc

    frigocc Member

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    Gotcha. Dropped it, and it sounds better. Moved the content of the last sentence to the next chapter anyways. Here's my new last 3:

    They say that memories can attach themselves to certain senses. It could be the smell of roses, or the feeling of morning dew on the soft grass in the park. For me, it was the smell of urine coming out of the hobo behind the trash can.
     
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  15. JannickStAlice

    JannickStAlice Member

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    “Really? Ha! Who do you think you’re kidding? Out here in Florida with the gangsters, and the jealous lovers, and nutcases roaming the streets? It’s a madhouse! Those woods are probably festering with decaying bodies right under our noses. ‘Ell there could be one just beyond that thin patch of trees at the edge of your campfire! While you guys chug beer and watch your hair fly in the air! There’s a rotting corpse not hearing any of it!! Bam! A a real one! A smelly one! Right there!” Itchie says fully assured. He then grabs a sheet off the next stack and throws it down in front of him. “This one is John Cougar Mellencamp. I’ve been waiting so long to do a Mellencamp!” Itchie mumbles to himself in a celebratory mood.

    “I don’t think that’s likely. I mean, a dead body that close?” The BMC says inflicted with a bit of the ol’ willies.

    “Ha, You’d be surprised.” Itchie smirks mischievously while stating while, gleefully, crossing out the top line written on the paper with one fatal stroke.
     
  16. Some Guy

    Some Guy People-thing Supporter

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    Processor error...
     
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  17. frigocc

    frigocc Member

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    I'd say this is a little bit more than 3 sentences. Or maybe you were making a reference that I missed.
     
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  18. frigocc

    frigocc Member

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    My Irish blood naturally makes my superhero color green. It's a color that doesn't really have an established market. Sure, you have hornets, arrows, and lanterns, but who the fuck is scared of a lantern?
     
  19. Mark Burton

    Mark Burton Fried Egghead Contributor

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    This sounds like a book opening of sorts, rather than a closing. Typically, closings resolve issues or hint at something unresolved (a subtle pitch for a sequel). I see nothing of that in what you've written, but it might be because we don't know what's come before that.
     
  20. frigocc

    frigocc Member

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    Sorry, should have mentioned that it's a WIP.
     
  21. JannickStAlice

    JannickStAlice Member

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    Fair enough. For some reason my brain reads only full stop sentences outside of quotes as full sentences.
     
  22. Partridge

    Partridge Active Member

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    My last three sentences from my current WIP:

    "I don’t know if I’m good or bad. I never have. I sat by the bar, alone with company, shuffling the beermats around, making patterns with them, trying to decide what to do with all that fucking money."
     
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  23. Mark Burton

    Mark Burton Fried Egghead Contributor

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    I like it. My only niggle is that you seem to have linked the patterns with the spending of the money, like someone who's written "house", "car", "boat" onto the beermats and are now making an order to them as to what to buy. It's one interpretation and it's probably not the intended one, but the ending is ambiguous.
     
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  24. Partridge

    Partridge Active Member

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    Thanks for your feedback, I'm glad you liked it :) The ending is purposefully ambiguous actually. I wanted to create the kind of ending where the reader puts it down and says, "Well I liked it, but I'm sure what to think of that."
     
  25. Stormsong07

    Stormsong07 Contributor Contributor

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    My book isn't done, so here's one of my favorite chapter endings:


    Deagan! Surely not. Kaelie’s skin went clammy and she quickly looked again at the third Rider as he stepped into the fading afternoon light. There was no mistaking that black hair, those blue eyes.
    It was Deagan Vastel, her childhood bully.
     
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