Do you share with your partner/spouse your writings? What if it includes things of a romantic nature involving others (just crush/thoughts/fantasy)?
I talk with my wife about my work all the time, to the point where she knows the characters names and what is going on even though she has yet to read it. There is one scene in my WIP where my main characters new girlfriend cooks him some stew on a cold, dreary winter day. This past weekend, my wife decides to cook some stew. It also happened to be cold and dreary out and so I told her how it was uncanny how it mirrored what was going on in my book. Then she walked away and let it boil over and it made a huge mess. While we were panicking in the kitchen and trying to clean up the mess, she looked at me and said sarcastically, "well I bet ______ didn't screw up her stew, did she?" "Well, no, of course not."
Personally I'd stay well away. There are a very very few partners who are genuinely interested in reading what you've written and that is spectacular if you have it. Having someone that you are close to to share your passion with is a really phenomenal thing. Someone who gets it and when you say you're stuck who can run their eye over it and say where you're going wrong; why wouldn't anyone want that? And seriously, if you do have it then by all means. Buuuut if you have to ask you probably don't, or at least don't think you do. Even if you're with another writer you may well not have that, either because you have different interests or just because one or both of you don't want to talk about work. It's super rare (and super awesome) but barring some weird fringe cases where you fall for your editor or get really big and start dating your fans (hey a man can dream) this is not something that's likely. My now former girlfriend was certainly very positive about my writing. She was of a creative and sometime literary bent and she liked talking about writing, even about stories I was thinking about writing or had written. But she never once read anything I wrote. And I don't really hold that against her. Well, a bit. But not that much. Because it's a lot of work to read a book that doesn't immediately leap out as a book you want to read. Even if it's a good book, even if you're a great writer; if it's not the kind of thing they would pick up for themselves then it's hard work to try and push someone to read your work. They might do it, because they love you, but truly sharing it with them will still be a ways off. They might give you good feedback, and you should listen, as you should with anyone, but that's not quite the same as spending evenings chewing through the creative process with them or sitting down and taking notes about how to fix it. By all means ask them; by all means say you'd like them to read it. But if they say no, then let it go. Think of writing the same way that many middle aged men think of the train set in their shed. It'd be great to be with someone who loves it like you do, but if you're not then just be ok with that and enjoy it yourself. Writing is a solitary past time at the best of times, it's not something that you'd really want to do with someone reading over your shoulder anyway. So just accept that and talk about your stuff with people who do share your passion. As for the romantic side of it; honestly I never even considered that as a problem. Yes I do write romance and no I never had a problem talking about that with my ex. It helps that I'm a guy who writes mostly as girls but even so it never occurred to me as something she'd care about. I appreciate it may cut a bit closer to the bone for some (especially if you're a wife/husband writing about someone leaving their partner to run off with someone else) but honestly I'd be a bit unsettled if someone reacted to my writing that way. I write weird fucking stuff, you know? Weird, torrid love affairs that just explode out of nowhere. And, well, is that a little bit of wish fulfillment on my part? Sure man, guilty as charged. But it's writing. It's literature. And you draw from what you know and if that upsets the people in your life then they need a reality check. I was unhappy with my relationship and had been for a long time but I certainly wasn't expressing that in my books and I never thought for a second it might be weird for me to show my books to her. There is some stuff I wrote that was more directly that; my weird, pornographic, self-serving whatever that I wrote instead of having a sex life and that stuff I wouldn't have shown anyone. But my books? Fuck no, why would she care? Suffice to say; ask if they want to share, if they don't leave it. And if they get shirty about the content of your books (assuming you aren't writing a nasty caricature of them) then I think you need to have a chat with them.
I do. He's actually been a huge help on my first and third books as a subject matter expert (TV production on the first and guitar/music on the third). I mean, how's he gonna know if I got it right if he doesn't read it? Being very straight he's not super into the explicit m/m scenes so he mostly skips over those. But he's a great alpha reader and is able to give me valuable feedback during the first go on the first draft.
If my partner was interested in reading my work I would let him, but I probably wouldn't ask him to do it as a favour to me. He is not a writer, but he is encouraging of my writing. I think as far as reading love scenes or any content of an uncomfortable nature goes, the challenge would be for him to separate it completely from me if that makes sense - to read it without hearing my voice. I'm not sure how he'd go with that... I haven't really put it to the test as yet, but my current WIP might provide such an opportunity should he be game
Being able to totally divorce you from it is probably unlikely; it's not like he can pretend he doesn't know you. It's only cause for concern if he jumps up and shouts "I knew you always fancied him more!" . But then again he could go the other way and see it as a chance to better get to know a different side of you. I wish you good luck
No, ofcourse not. And when it is published, - well time to test the integrity of the relationship and one's ability to move on.
I don't like to share WIP with anyone because I am sometimes a bit -- okay maybe a lot -- insecure about my writing; especially in the early stage when in fact it's not very good yet. But that applies even when I am sure it's good. Also, I have had the experience of talking away a piece of good inspiration, losing focus on it once I've started talking about it before I'm really ready to put it on paper. That said, I did read an excerpt of my current WIP to my wife. She had one comment that cut through a lot of the clutter that had grown up, and I have taken that with me as I charge forward. But that's the exception. I'd never share love or sex scenes with her, because like most things in writing they are drawn from all sorts of places, from experience to media to fantasy, and it's such an intimate area between husband and wife that nothing good could come from discussing it in progress. If and when it gets published then I will deal with that. And what if my mother reads it?
To play devil's advocate for a moment though; why does it feel weird to share your fantasies with your partner? Don't get me wrong, I feel the same way and I'm not advising that to anyone. Keeping secrets is better than someone saying no, but it's interesting isn't it? I definitely do feel that a partner who isn't ok with you writing romance is a partner with some problems, but it feels very normal to all of us to not try to share sex scenes. With literature we all kinda understand that people have different tastes, but with sex that feels a lot more personal. I dare say there are a few erotica writers here who share their work with their partners and that sounds like a good time to me but it's more akin to sharing a kink together than sharing your writing. Sex is complicated, who knew? You think you got problems. In my books the much older woman who ends up sleeping with her sixteen year old surrogate son is named after my mother, primarily because it will frustrate my future biographers, but it does have the side effect of... Well, that's one book series she's not going to proof for me
Recently, I had a row with my mother about that. She's never read something from me (and I wouldn't give it to her if she'd want to), but she certainly always asks what I'm doing. I tell her very, very little, as little as I can get away with. Never should have mentioned that I'm writing at all. And then she told me I have to write something else, because, you know, happy stuff is so much nicer. And then I told her she should stay tf away from my writing; not with that little f-word, but in all else the sentiment came over. She's not mentioned it since
I more meant that if they get jealous about you writing romance, but yes that's another possible area of stuff to deal with, not just with a spouse but with anyone. Personally I find it best to say that if they think they have good ideas they really think will work then they should write them and I write for me and I have to write what I think works. You may have to extend a middle finger at them while saying it to give them the hint, but in general I've found this to be a more soluble problem than a spouse getting antsy that you're spending all your time with your fictional girlfriend instead of with them. The only time such a thing was brought up to me I am slightly ashamed to say that I snapped back with "Yeah well she really understands me". Mayhem ensued In other news I am now single
'Huh, uh huh huh...read it, read it, it's really good, mmm...' 'Ummmh ummmh, yawn, fart, why's there a white space at the bottom of the page, yawn?' ... And never show/reveal the sexy stuff, you will spend a decade in denial 'No, the woman on the boat was you, nnng.' . Best stick it on the internet, where she'll never see it. [Occasionally you walk in from work, and she's crying at the doorstep, has read the giraffe sex fantasy, she's 4'11, usual kind of ordinary]
That was a moving and, dare I say it, brave revelation to us all. I intend to adapt this post into a one act play.
I can just see that happening To be honest, I can't quite see how any partner would deal with a dedicated/fascinated/fixated spouse writing a book, though I know it exists. There are books out there where it's stated in the dedication.
It depends on writing process. I write seriously every third day so when we were together it wasn't like I just vanished when I was writing. But if you're the kind of writer where if just swallows you for days or weeks until the muse is gone then I can understand people having problems with that. I mean, no-one wants to hear you say "Sorry, this matters more". Personally though I don't see the big deal. I mean it's work. Maybe not yet well paid or even well regarded but it is work. And sometimes work is busy and you only get to say good morning and sleep tight (and sometimes not even that) and that's just... That's the rough with the smooth. If you're writing every possible moment and not even seeing your partner then maybe that's something that you'd need to deal with; learn some moderation; but in a general sense it's just like anything else that you'd do a lot. It would be nice if we could spend all day with our partners. Picnics on the beach, wine tasting, or just never get out of bed and make each other shudder all day (delete as appropriate for your relationship) but daddy got to go make some money sometimes. And a partner who says they aren't ok with you throwing your time at the thing your passionate about is someone who kinda can't get you as a person. And, well, relationships have ended over less, not because of writing in my case, but still, sometimes when you realize your partner just kinda doesn't get it and never will sometimes it doesn't matter if you love them or not.
I make no secret of the fact that there's a lot of myself in my characters, so my ex mistakenly thought that the relationship between the two mains in my last project was reflective of our relationship. That one was ... awkward. She was pleased with it, as well, which made going "Hon, no" worse somehow - nope, this slightly dysfunctional but overall loving and workable relationship is not a representation of us. Sorry! Anyway, I've shared my writing with all of my partners, because it's a big part of my life and identity, frankly, and I haven't really figured out how to compartmentalize it. I think you just need to be honest about it, if you're gonna do it. People will read into shit you're not even aware of, so you may just want to get ahead of it by explaining "I wrote XYZ because ..." I've also broken up with every partner I've shared my writing with, soooo. Grain of salt, I guess.
Yeah, I see how it relates to the process itself. Though the time I spend with my story is—pretty much every minute I can spare. I'm not talking about writing, or not only, but more in terms of it's always in the back of my head, parsing what happens around me and relating it to events in my story. Yes, I get you. It's work, and it's on top of family, making a living and hobbies (which do exist, or should, even for writers). Dealing with knowing a partner thinks that much about fictional events as someone who doesn't *can't find the appropriate word*? Would be hard. But the thing is ...would it? You (and me and heck, the people of this forum) are passionate about writing. You said it for you, yourself. I feel the same. A partner who doesn't get that wouldn't be a partner. He'd be missing a crucial part of me. I don't mean he needs to share my passion, but he'd have to understand passion, and love that about me. I'm single by the way, but the 'single' thing came in time before the writing started, so there .
In retrospect I agree with you. Perhaps not on the subject of writing specifically but in general. But I stayed with my ex for at least six years longer than I should basically because despite all the bits of me she never really got (she got my writing to some degree) I still loved to just sit and talk with her, to spend time with her. I wasn't a writer when we met, and I didn't have a problem with her not sharing that passion really. As long as we could still sit together and talk like we did the night we first met, and laugh and bounce off each other I didn't care. But in the end I kinda started admitting that the bits of me she wanted no part of were a big deal and it was never going to change, and there really was only one option there for me unless I wanted to stay being unhappy for another eleven years. So yes, I do agree with you. But if you'd have asked me six months ago I'd have said it wasn't a big deal. Hindsight will kick your ass every single time.
Do you want a hug? You get one anyway, because breakups are hard, every time. But I don't think you were unhappy the whole six years (else you'd have walked a lot earlier). You had good times, you had bad times, but you stayed together. And now you know what to look out for, and as they say, there's a lid for every kettle For myself, I defined it with 'understanding passion'. As long as a partner knows the same fire, I'll be alright. It needn't be the same flame, but I want to see this fire burning and know that he sees the reflection in me.
You should read my books man Hugs are appreciated It's weird to say it but I actually didn't feel all that much about it. It's complicated honestly, no I wasn't dreadfully unhappy all the time. But I had been thinking for a long time that I needed to move on, that we didn't share everything that we needed to for me to be happy in the long run. A part of me was pretty sure that when we briefly split up ten years ago I should have made that stick though. But it is complicated. Still, hugs are appreciated And yes, I think you're right that 'understanding passion' is a good place to be. It's probably too much to ask to have a partner who is exactly the same as you in terms of passions, but someone who will understand and support your passion? That's a good thing, that's something you can make work for sure.
My wife and I are both musicians, and both songwriters although she tends to write more instrumentals and I write pop and rock with lyrics. Over many years, I have written dozens of songs with a wide range of emotions and situations, from love, anger, angst, lost love, lust, longing and the list goes on and on. At first it was a little awkward, but I had to make it clear that my lyrics were not always reflective of what is actually happening in my soul, but I could imagine these feelings and found them interesting and compelling enough to write them down. I'm very happy in my relationship, but writing happy happy happy over and over can get a little boring. I figure the same goes with my writing. If I can feel it and imagine it and I'm compelled by it, I am going to write about it. It's as simple as that and is understood in our relationship. I may just be lucky and she's confident enough in our relationship to understand that creativity sometimes means you have reached into a place that is beyond what is truly happening in your heart.
