I posted a bit in the critics part of the forum and reread it myself too, something started to bother me. I got parts like this: Ryd sat up straight after the sound of running water woke her up. She stretched with a rather loud yawn before stumbling out of bed. Instead of making her way to the bathroom, she started collecting the pieces of her school uniform and the books she needed that day. With eyes still half closed she grabbed her bag and just stuffed the books into it. She tossed her bag and the pieces of her uniform on her bed while she went on her way towards the bathroom. “Eliza! My turn!” I feel like it is very repetitive, lots of 'She' or 'Her'. What are some good ways to work with/around that?
Ryd sat up straight after the sound of running water woke her up. Stretching, she yawned loudly before stumbling out of bed. Collecting the pieces of her school uniform and the books needed for the day, she stuffed the books into her bag. Tossing the bag and uniform on the bed, she made her way to the bathroom. "Eliza! My turn!" Not optimal (and not my style of writing at all) but down from 6 to 3. Just a quick example.
Ryd sat up straight after the sound of running water woke her, stretched with a rather loud yawn before stumbling out of bed and, instead of making her way to the bathroom, started collecting the pieces of school uniform and books needed for the day. With eyes still half closed she grabbed her bag and just stuffed the books into it, tossed it and the pieces of uniform on her bed and moved towards the bathroom. “Eliza! My turn!” Also not optimal, but basically smooshing similar sentences together helps. Just remember to try to avoid excess comma splices.
That is what I am afraid of. I often think something won't be a comma splice when it incidently appears to be one after all.
Ryd woke to the sound of running water. A stretch, a yawn, and she stumbled out of bed. Clothes. Find the clothes. The uniform shirt was on a hanger--thanks, Mom!--but it was a good ten minutes before the skirt turned up behind a stack of library books. Both items draped ready on the bed, books in the bag, and a bleary-eyed pause. Now what? Right. Shower. "Eliza! My turn!"
Try not to worry about your grammar too much until you reach that part of your editing. Not only that, but strictly following all grammar rules makes for some pretty not good writing. Especially considering a large part of grammar rules are based on Latin and Latin based languages and Modern English is basically the bastard child of Old English, Latin, and French. So grammar rules don't always apply in all situations.
Woo! Voice graffiti! I did try within the voice, but very few of my "lose the pronoun" tricks were amenable to the voice of the piece, so I got out the spray paint. I figure something in there might translate back.
Ryd sat up straight after being wakened by the sound of running water and stretched with a rather loud yawn before stumbling out of bed. She started collecting the pieces of school uniform and that day's books instead of heading to the bathroom, then grabbed the bag with eyes still half closed and just stuffed the books into it, before tossing the bag and pieces of uniform on the bed while going towards the bathroom. “Eliza! My turn!” One "she" and no "her"s. However, I don't think it's an improvement. Those are common words and you shouldn't be afraid to repeat them, any more than you should worry about repeating "and" or "the".
This is the "wake up in bed and get ready for school" opening. Everyone knows what happens here, so condense the obvious, and with the words saved, expand in other directions. Personally, I would have skipped even the waking portion, but I’ll trust that you know what you’re doing. The trick is to roll the actions together, then shift to narration. That way you can tell something about the characters/plot rather than just listing the MC's actions. Ryd woke blearily to the sound of running water. She arranged her uniform on the bed, and after stumbling across the room like a souse, stuffed her books in her bag. It was nearly bursting at the seams, and she expected one day, perhaps today, it would make good on the threat, dumping Finnegans Wake and Conversational French into a puddle down at the 46th Street Station. Jimmy Styles would probably be watching. He was always watching. “Eliza,” Ryd rasped, pounding hollowly on the bathroom door. “Get out of there.” The door creaked open and Jimmy Styles peeked out. Eh, 10 extra words. Whatever . . . it says a lot more. Try to build up your characters with the extra room and you won't have to worry about the repetitions from simple actions.
It is the first story I'm ever writing (or well, a part of it), so yea... I got no clue what I am doing
I'm gonna try my hand at this as well. Ryd awoke to the sound of running water, stretched with a rather loud yawn then stumbled out of bed. She spent some time gathering up the pieces of her uniform and the books she needed for the day; eyes still half'closed, she stuffed the latter into her bag and tossed it along with her uniform on the bed. Now, at last, on to the bathroom. "Eliza! My turn!".
I know the feeling, we've all been there. When I began writing my WIP I had zero clue about writing, I knew nothing about the techniques and the Dos and Don'ts, nothing. And that was years before I found this forum so I had no one to help me. It was scary, and it didn't help that I was writing in my second language (English isn't my native tongue). But I kept on writing and writing and writing and I learned a shit ton along the way, then I found this community two years ago which has been a tremendous help to me. Point is, I've come a long way now, it's crazy looking up at when I started, seeing how much I've improved. 'Course I've got lots more to learn, and a whole lot improving to do, we all do. But we get better with writing. So keep writing and don't let it scare ya
When I find I've done written something that incorporates too much of the same element (even "she" and "her"), I ask myself if it's necessary to the story. If it's my first draft, I don't bother thinking much about it. If I'm editing, I would probably cut it down into a sentence or two, or take it out. In a very analytical manner, I ask whether or not this adds anything to the story. For example, you could be slowing everything down for impactful change of pace. Alternatively, you could be detailing out her morning routine for contrast later. It may not be the wording, it may be the subject matter. The first draft of my first book was full of "she" and "her" so this looks familiar. I ended up looking for other elements in my heroine's environment to talk about if I wanted to keep a portion in. Example questions I would ask myself but not for the first draft. The first draft is always immune: 1. Why "Instead of making her way to the bathroom", is it important that she's changing her routine today? The implication in this statement is that she normally heads straight to the bathroom. 2. What's an alternative way of saying "pieces of her uniform" if I want to repeat myself and draw special attention to the uniform? 3. Can Ryd collect her things by tossing them on her bed at the same time? Just some brain exercises for this scene, but for the editing stage.
I'd amend to say avoid ANY comma splices. That's when you join two complete sentences with a comma instead of a full stop (period) or equivalent. Comma splices are incorrect punctuation. If the two phrases you are separating with the comma each forms a complete sentence on its own, that's a 'comma splice.' It's easy to recognise one, once you get the hang of it. The only real exception to this 'rule' in creative writing is when you want to speed things up A LOT, with very short 'sentences that get read in a huge rush.' He ran to the door, the door was locked, he panicked, he ran to the window. You can get away with comma splices occasionally, when they're used to create a rush like that. But I'd say avoid them all other times. Or—at the very least—learn to recognise them and be aware you're using them. (If you want to get rid of the comma splices in my example, you could write, He ran to the door, but the door was locked. He panicked and ran to the window. Notice that this example 'reads' more slowly than my first one does. Comma splices change the pace, which can be a good tool, when used with care.) Using too many commas (which is maybe what Dapper Hooligan meant?) can mean your sentences run on and on and on. Don't be afraid to let your sentences end and start a new one. It's a little trick I learned from my journalist husband. My background in expository (school) writing resisted this change, but he was right. It really does help. It's much easier for the reader to follow shorter, less complicated sentences—although you don't want to make your writing choppy either. Aim for a variety of sentence lengths and you should be fine.
Yes, yes. One comma per sentence unless it is a list. Or if you happen to be really famous and no one cares. But the less commas the better. (I am guilty of the 1 comma per sentence thing.)
Little bit off-topic, but does the one comma rule also count for those moment when you add a little extra detail? It is one of the few things I remember from school haha. Like: Neo ran is eyes over the two pills, one blue and one red, unsure which one to take. My teacher explained (few years back, so my memory may be wrong though) that this is a valid sentence as you can leave the 'one blue and one red'. It is just a little extra detail about the pills.
If you're finding that your writing contains a lot of "she" or "he" or "I" sentences, consider what you're actually writing. Are you constantly just describing the character's actions? This-then-this-then-that structure is tedious and really doesn't tell us anything about the character. Consider showing how the character reacts to the action--physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Give us a glimpse into how the character's mind works. Not only will your sentences become more varied, but your characterization will be stronger for it.
I tried that, but still I happen to use a lot of the same words. She does it or she experiences it, so I cant find a way that makes it less repetitive
Yep, you're fine here because the middle clause, "one blue and one red," is dependent on the one that proceeded it. I think that's called an "appositive" but I'm not sure. ETA: it took me longer than it should have to notice that was a Matrix reference
One thing that helps is trying to lessen the use of words like started, began, felt. No one 'starts' to do anything, they do it (or at least in stories). Don't tell us she felt angry - clench her fists, or run her fingers through her hair while she snarls at someone. See and feel what's happening, and describe it so we can see and feel it too. edit for clarity of thought
First off, grammar rules exist to provide you with the tools you need to communicate your thoughts clearly. Flouting them is something you'll usually do at your own peril. As to the idea that not all the rules apply, English has no rule against split infinitives; they are simply considered bad style by people who fetishize Latin and other Romance languages. Some of those people are more obnoxious than others, occasionally attempting to cast splitting infinitives as a breach of grammar rather than simply something "up with which [they] will not put." Look at me, quoting Winston Churchill again. How dare I. Some light reading: The Elements of Style Eats, Shoots & Leaves Both of these were required reading (I mean, obviously) in something like half of my writing courses at university. Personally, I think they ought to be required reading in second grade, but I suppose not everyone agrees with me there. We can compromise and require all fourth graders to memorize both. Second, words like she, he, and said will usually be invisible to the reader. You'd have to be repeating them a lot before anyone would actually care. Your description could be a little less dry, but, as some others have mentioned, it's the dry nature of your retelling--a plain list of steps, almost like a recipe in a cookbook--that is really the issue here, and not the overuse of a pronoun. If it really bothers you, feel free to use a name here and there. And, of course, when conjoining sentences, use of "she" is only required when you have two complete sentences, which means that you can do something like this and it's perfectly legal: He wrote out a quick response to the grammar thread, first providing a few sources for interested parties and then going on to write a short example of how to avoid using pronouns multiple times while describing multiple actions. You grok this: "she grabbed her bag and just stuffed the books into it" is an example of exactly what I'm talking about and is, of course, perfectly legal. Again, let me emphasize that repeating pronouns and the like will usually not be noticed by the reader. Certainly, if I thought it was annoying, I would have said so when I read your scene.
Building off of this, I think the trouble with your passage is that it's not very interesting. Fixing the pronouns or trying to dress it up won't change the fact that it's mundane and boring. Getting ready for school isn't noteworthy unless there's something unusual about it. And giving a blow by blow account of how she's getting ready only over-emphasizes that. Now, if instead of gathering her uniform and books: She waited until she heard the water running and then tiptoed into her parents' room. She opened her mother's bureau and carefully pulled the Beretta from the sock drawer. She removed the clip and racked the slide halfway. There was a round chambered already. Good. She replaced the clip and lowered the safety, checking the hallway before she trotted back to her room and hid the Beretta at the bottom of her bookbag. Then she headed for the bathroom. "Eliza, my turn." Not the greatest syntax, but I tried to throw as many she/her in there as I could. In theory, they won't stand out as much because the passage is interesting.
