1. Iain Aschendale

    Iain Aschendale Aunt? Supporter Contributor

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    Star Trek: Beyond Tirade

    Discussion in 'Entertainment' started by Iain Aschendale, Oct 27, 2016.

    Not so much a review as a tirade. I'll put it in a spoiler bin, just in case:

    Just saw Star Trek: Beyond. Minor spoilers, but more the sort of jokes that you’ll only get as/after watching it. Not a review as such, just sort of an after the fact running commentary. Read at your own risk.

    You’d think they’d do a little more cultural research first, before trying to negotiate a peace treaty.
    Ah. Ha. Ha. Ha. Nope, not smiling, MIB II did it better.
    Did they always lead with comic relief?
    Huh, some introspection.
    What, no Health and Welfare checks?
    Speaking of which, no same sex couples?
    Oh, yeah, Sulu. Well, at least he’s not a race traitor.
    Yeah, I know it’s been nine hundred days since you’ve had liberty, but the captain just saw a squirrel or something, so get your asses back on the ship.
    That’s a nebula?
    No life on the planet means no oxygen, IIRC, let’s see where this goes.
    I guess ship’s chief medical officer is way the hell different from a corpsman, cuz Bones don’t give a shit.
    Nope, not impressed. Derivative.
    What the hell is that supposed to be, a GameBoy?
    YOLANDI!!
    Continuity is for (insert hated ethnic and/or political group here).
    Wow, at least that’s true to the original. I haven’t seen sets that look so much like sets, or props that look so much like props since the original series. Wait, sorry, Gangs of New York. Point’s still valid.
    <skipping ahead a ways>
    You sure you didn’t detect any life on the surface? Because I see a lot of trees. Like, Sasketchewan a lot of trees. And there are a lot of what sound like howler monkeys or something, although that could be a kind of plant. Right?
    Why is G’Kar so cranky?
    Gordon Freeman would have found it.
    Radiation doesn’t work that way.
    Pretty good shots, pity if they guessed right.
    Wait, ten, fifteen minutes ago this outdated piece of machinery was making people sick, and now you’re catching flies with chopsticks with it? This may be a different timeline, but it’s still the same time as the original series.
    I liked Yolandi better in Chappie.
    Starships don’t work that way. How do I know? You just told me.
    Wait. No. Just no. F$@& you no. I came to this theater to kill time, not see it waterboarded and have its nuts electrocuted. This has got to be the stupidest damn thing I’ve ever seen in an SF movie, and I saw Whalewolf, dammit.
    Oh just go to hell.
    Can I go home now? Shit, no, I’ve got to work this evening, that’s why I’m here.
    Usually I’d be screaming something about triggers, and the pulling thereof, but right now I just want to shoot the screenwriter.
    And the director.
    All the actors.
    Key grips.
    Electrical Best Boy.
    You get the point.
    I bet Chekhov killed himself. Hell, the movie started off with his personal property getting stolen by substance abusing superiors.
    Saw this coming from the first ten minutes of the movie.
    Jesus, the ending credits show that the CG guys know less about science than the screenwriters. WTF, over?

    So, I think this is where Star Trek and I part company.
    I hope it dies soon, and painfully.
     
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  2. Robert Musil

    Robert Musil Contributor Contributor

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    Didn't even bother to see this one. I saw the first Abrams Star Trek and thought it was ok-for-what-it-was. Caught Into Darkness when I was bored on a long flight, and realized that these are just generic action movies with enough fanservice thrown in to keep the old guard of nerds like me coming back. Then and there I resolved not to give in to it any longer.
     
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  3. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Aye, it lacks a soul. It's just the shell of the thing, not the thing itself anymore.
     
  4. Iain Aschendale

    Iain Aschendale Aunt? Supporter Contributor

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    Just realized another thing (if you've gotten this far, consider the movie spoiled). They say that the older starships weren't designed to be started in an atmosphere, so the solution is to drop off a cliff, adding more atmosphere due to pressure differential and the ram effect of the drop?

    Simon Pegg can [redacted] my [redacted] [redacted].
     
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  5. Cave Troll

    Cave Troll It's Coffee O'clock everywhere. Contributor

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    Where cushions are comfy, and straps hold firm.
    Damn It Jim.jpg :supergrin:
     
  6. Iain Aschendale

    Iain Aschendale Aunt? Supporter Contributor

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    "Bones, this man's having a heart attack!"

    "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a- Oh, right, sorry."
     
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