On reading over it again, I think the only change I'd make is to the sentence beginning, "They do it in movies all the time". I think I'd end it there and make "But they do" the beginning of another sentence and maybe its own paragraph, because you're showing her considering argument and counter-argument, trying to remain calm, trying to figure out what to do while scared spitless.
Thanks Ed. Writing prose broken up into paragraphs like you suggest is something I think I'll benefit greatly from. I quite like making up little vignettes or scenes for discussion on this forums. Because they're invented for the purpose of experimentation, it's easy for me to play around with them and try different things in response to critique. It might be harder if I had one thing I considered my life's work or something, and I was posting extracts. In another Writing Workshop thread, it's been suggested that I try using present tense instead of past. (And being consistent would help too ). That's another exercise I can do. Overall I don't believe that I'm going to get anywhere unless I am prepared to pick apart what I do, because often it clearly just ain't good enough. However, I also know myself well enough (I believe) to know that just reading rules and methods once isn't going to instantly enable me to apply all those rules naturally and instinctively in my writing. It's going to take revision, experimentation, and practice. A lot of it!
