When I get second-hand embarrassment, it usually comes from the characters that exhibit the most of my own (negative) qualities. I understand that smart characters making dumb decisions drives the plot forward, but I'm also worried about what my character's stupidity might say about me. But why? Why would he do that? As much as the next (wildly depressed) guy, I feel my protagonist's need to self-destruct. But why didn't he get a room?? Even I'm not that stupid! I don't know if I should reframe it a little so he's not as explicitly stupid in this moment of crisis. I'm so embarrassed. Lmao. What do you guys think? Have you ever felt this and if so, what have you done about it?
Ah, but that's the quandary with any kind of art, isn't it? If you're going to be really honest, then you're going to reveal a lot about yourself, and there's no way around it. Often you won't even be aware of it but others will pick up on it. And if you get all uptight about it then there goes your honesty and therefore your connection to the muses—the only thing that has the power to make great art. “You simply sit down at the typewriter, open your veins, and bleed."
This can actually get funny, when people assume your characters are 'like' you or are experiencing things you have experienced, when, in fact, they have all been totally made up! I have one friend who insists that something which happened to one of my characters MUST have happened to me, because otherwise how could I have 'known?' When I tell him that no, it actually solved a plot problem and was a solution that occurred to me when I was walking to work one morning ...I can even point out the hedge I leaned against to scribble the idea down when it came to me ...he doesn't believe me! He thinks I'm revealing something that happened to me in my past. Ach well....
No, because I can never bring myself to write anything that would give me secondhand embarrassment, much as that would bring realism and relatability to the characters.
No, never. I rarely identify directly with any character. I do cringe from seeing someone embarrass themselves however, in media or irl.
I get concerned that people read my characters as me, or that those characters share my world view, when I work hard to create characters that often have completely conflicting ideals to my own, and believe in them. My Characters are not a proxy. But the OP sounds a lot like explaining character motivation, and it does need to be plausible. Actions and thoughts need to make sense, in the mind and world of the charcater. I have a few characters who I have struggled to write because I can't justify the reality of their thinking process. Why would they do that? But in reality, people do some crazy weird shit that is hard to understand. We need to know the truth for the character, not ourselves, in order to justify their actions in the story. Not: why would they? But: why would they? Often that's part of the intrigue of the character. And in real life, the mystery. To try and understand the insane decisions real people have made in real life is beyond my comprehension, but something worth trying to help understand humanity in order to build characters,
I worked in an industry where it just had to be right. If it was not, it was just expected that you redid it until it was. No questions asked, and so that mindset has permeated all of my life, including my writing. If adding embarrassing elements of myself in a novel or short story works best for the story character wise, yep I add it. I approach this topic like I do my novels or short stories too though, because I do throw off the dogs by adding other elements that are not me. So in other words, no character of mine is exactly like me, but yet every character does have elements of me in it. Myself, I think a good writer just has to accept that writing is a very personal thing, otherwise they will be holding back, and how can that be considered our best work? I think if anyone was to ask me five ways to be a really good writer, telling them to "BE BOLD" would be in the top three. That is what makes characters, settings and plots memorable,
I put a part of me in every character. Whoever reads all my novels shall get to know me even better than I know myself!
Some stories and some scenes are more personal than others. The writer revealing things about him/herself is part of the process, I would think, even to the level of deciding what details are important enough to mention. Also, even in high concept fantasy, something of the writer is encapsulated in how the characters interact and develop. In entirely fictionalized scenes, what you might record as important and fitting will differ from my take, which is why we read. Finally, never underestimate the importance of stupidity in the progression of a story, both in fiction and what we loosely term "the real world". Crass, obstinate stupidity is the stuff of legend. Writing anything exposes the writer to critique and ridicule. Fuck 'em and carry on.
As a reader, I never compare the characters to the person who wrote the piece. This applies to Fiction only, of course. I don't think about it honestly, but I'm sure every author puts a little bit of themselves into what they write. Write what you know. Should you be embarrassed by it? No. It's all applied in life. There will be readers who will relate to the characters and some who don't. Do they pick the character a part and go about placing the author in the shoes of that character? I know I don't. I want the experience of being in their shoes. I want to find something I can connect with. Yeah, there are going to be some things I won't agree with, but every person is an individual. Wouldn't be fun it they were all the same. The only time I run into issue with someone comparing my characters to me is if I let family or close friends read my work. I have to constantly reassure them that I didn't write about myself. Maybe a tinsy bit of detail happens to match but it wasn't intentional. (maybe?) To answer your question. Yes. I do get embarrassed/frustrated with my characters when they do something I sure wouldn't have done. Like an example, The MC in my mystery series is someone who is highly reactive, hot-tempered and reckless. Most of the things she does, I sure wouldn't do and would avoid the situation entirely. I have more self-preservation then she does apparently, but Erica is a character whos suffering from PTSD (No one realizes this until later) and as I flesh out her character more it makes sense why she acts the way she does. No matter how much I tone her done, it doesn't feel right. So I accept her for who she is, but I still hesitate to venture into publishing the books. As for your character, I don't see what you described as unbelievable or stupid. Yes, not everyone would do as he did, but you have to think about the person as an individual. He clearly is going through some thing, suffers from mental illness so his logic is going to be a little different. I don't know very much but only from what you've shared. My take is that he's hurting on the inside, either feeling shameful and/or embarrassed by those feelings so he doesn't want to admit it to his friends and have them think differently of him, but deep down he needs help, but can't bring himself to say it out loud. Maybe the emotion is to great and he needs that release as soon as he can get it. Also that self-preservation sets in, deep down he knows someday he's going to make a mistake. He needs for someone to be there when it happens. Am I wrong? Am I right? Close enough? I may have analyzed it from a personal stand point so I probably read to much into it. Oops. In other words, don't be quick to trim something if it feels outrageous. For that character, it may not be.
Pretty much all of my main characters reflect me to greater or lesser extents. Some of them I've known this going in; some I've learned it in hindsight. Sometimes this can be embarrassing, but I just choose to own it.
There are parts of me in every character I write, and while it's not exactly the same as what you're talking about, sometimes I'll write something and end up looking at it like '...huh, that's way more relatable than I thought it was going to be". For your specific example, for myself I know I need to keep myself honest in those moments and figure out whether the character is acting that way because the sum of the parts I have given naturally cause an illogical response in that moment (because they are too upset to think clearly, because subconsciously they want to be found and helped, etc) OR whether I as a writer am forcing the behaviour on them because I need it to happen for plot reasons, even though it doesn't actually make sense for the character to do that.
I could note a few different feelings I have surrounding this, but to be fair, anyone who's personally dealt with self-harming tendencies or known someone who has would likely understand the disorder itself is not grounded in "common sense." It's typically used to cope with strong feelings, usually in an overwhelming burst so... I think it's plausible to conclude whatever your MC felt in the moment out-weighed the fear of possible consequences. Even if you struggle with this same issue, you and your MC are not the same. Personally, I set a boundary between mine and myself, but it's not for everyone. You should not necessarily limit yourself because you're afraid of what people might think of you as an author. Embrace their "stupidity," I'd consider it impulsiveness. It could be one of their reoccurring flaws.
