Struggling with a Scene

My main character, Jester, meets his future wife, Blair, when she trips over him. Long story short, they're having to evacuate the city, so Jester is asleep in a sleeping bag at the bus station, and Blair is on her way back from the coffee shop with a travel tray of coffees. She spills the hot coffee all over him. They work it out ("I'm fine, are you okay, sorry, etc."), but then Jester offers to replace the coffees. Blair politely refuses.

Jester goes on to say, "I've got a gift card and this looks like my last chance to use it. Please?"

As I imagine it, Blair agrees, but I don't know if that's creepy of Jester or not. For some reason my brain won't let it go. Blair is more than capable of defending herself if Jester tries anything untoward, but that's not a good excuse to go across the street with a scarred, disabled stranger you've just tripped over.

Thoughts?

 

Sounds fine to me—in fact, it's a story I would read. Go for it. Make us see something attractive and/or perfectly harmless in Jester when he first appears. If Blair sensed trouble, she wouldn't do this, I presume.

 

Some real life tales are far more wacky than a scenario like that. To be honest, it's more around the modest side than ridiculous.

 

Thank you both. I'm not sure how to make Jester seem harmless, aside from the fact he's just had hot coffee go blistering down his face and neck, and his response is to replace her coffee. I think that does the trick.

 

I'm going to be the dissenting voice and say that I wouldn't like to read this. I'm hardly throwing the book across the room in disgust, but it'd be a mark against Jester in the back of my mind.

Is there any reason she has to say no and he has to push the issue? Can he not just suggest it and have her say yes, thanks, sounds good, awesome? Because as a reader I'm going to assume the refusal to hear no is there for a reason, to inform the character, and I'm not going to like it.

 

I'm presuming, because of the end game, there will be some kind of spark here that connects them? Some initial chemistry? That's what to play with.

 

Yes, that struck me as well, but I assume it must be taken care of within the plot. Evacuation doesn't necessarily mean running in all directions like headless chickens. It can mean waiting for a place on an evacuation bus or train, or waiting for traffic to clear, etc. I'm assuming that's where the coffee thing comes in.

I just saw a photo of a family waiting to be evacuated from the Texas coast, and they're just sitting in chairs in some central gathering place, waiting their turn to go.

 

Well, again, that depends on how the rest of the story is set up. But yes, all your concerns make sense.

 

All this reminds me of that awesome deconstruction of Left Behind. That is just a wonderful read. And half of it is just pointing out how psychotic it is to have your characters act out a romcom meet-cute while the world is tumbling into chaos and there's literal piles of corpses outside the window.

I am in no way saying that this is what's happening here! Just that it reminds me, and that I will always take the opportunity to link to that deconstruction, which is funny and heartfelt and smart and people should read it. And to be very careful weaving romance B-plots into disaster stories. It's pretty damn easy to make your main characters look like callous assholes. Usually, if there's a disaster going on, there's people who need help. A regular human being can usually be forgiven for taking care of their own safety first. A main character is usually held to a higher standard.

 

Thank you all. Some of the points you bring up are great.

 

First of all, thank you from the bottom of my writer's heart for offering a dissenting voice. I appreciate that some say my scenario sounds fine, but I also appreciate the chance to make the scene stronger.

Blair's refusal is mostly polite. She's just gone to the trouble of getting coffee for herself and her family (her dad and his godson), spilled it, and yet she doesn't want to accept help. She's been independent for the better part of twenty years, so she doesn't accept help well. That's something Jester and her have in common.

Jester sees the incident as his fault, because he was laying in a sleeping bag where one wouldn't expect it, so Blair tripped over him. Blair is embarrassed, upset she'll have to spend more money and go back across the street, etc.

"Let me buy your coffees. Please?"

"Oh, no, I couldn't impose..."

"Look, I've got a gift card I'll obviously not be able to use after today. Help me spend it? Please?"

"Well, okay."

They're waiting on the bus that will take them to an evacuation rally point. It's early, so Blair's gone to get coffee. When Colorado Springs was evacuated due to the Waldo Canyon Fire (pictured), coffee shops in non-evacuation areas did a booming business. The city was evacuated in stages, so while some areas were under a full evacuation, areas like where I lived went about business as normal. That's what's happening here.

Ah, that makes sense. I'm not sure if I could point to something as the "spark," just that Blair sees Jester as someone she can trust, and vise versa. Eventually they'll discover their personal demons and angels have things in common, which is maybe what they see in each other. Eventually Blair and Jester will help one another wage war on those (metaphorical) demons.

Yep. Speaking from experience, there's a lot of "hurry up and wait" involved in evacuation.

Their bus is scheduled to pick them up at eight. It's not yet seven when they meet. They're not worried about missing the bus. The city isn't being evacuated all at once, so the businesses in non-evacuated areas are still open.

Jester sees the incident as his fault. Getting coffee spilled on him, from his point of view, is a natural consequence, a confirmation that he's to blame. So he offers to replace the coffees. He's not thinking about "making time" with her. She's a person he's inconvenienced, and he's trying to be a decent human being for his mistake (again, it's a mistake from his point of view). He doesn't care if she takes the second set of coffees and he never sees her again.

My story is a love story at its heart, but I want to avoid any "love at first sight" kind of thing, because it won't work for the rest of this story. As I currently have it planned, it's going to take a year to go from "hot coffee" to "will you marry me?".

I'll have to read that. I abhorred Left Behind for so many reasons, that being one of them. The last thing I wanted to do with my characters was have them fall in love while the world is dying under meteor balls of flaming dog poo.

 

Thank you for the input. I'll keep it in mind, though it sounds like my story might not be your cup of tea. I still value your input.

 

I think lots of bets are off when there's an evacuation situation in place, and people will step outside their normal behaviour patterns. It also depends on what the evacuation is for. Potential flood damage? Alien beasties about to descend on your town? The warriors from another country are about to spread rape and pillage as your side is defeated? The fear level will differ, depending on the reason for the evacuation. If the threat will be lessened by the evacuation, I think people might be inclined to be friendly with each other. They're all in the same boat (so to speak) and all heading for the same destination in a group. It's not as if they're splitting off somewhere alone. The fact that your man wants to use his card to pay for the coffees would indicate to me that the situation isn't life-or-death, or that all known civilisation has broken down. I could easily see new friendships developing in this situation. I'd go with your story, @Sclavus . It sounds as if you've got the bases covered.

 

I would say that as long as you set it up before that point that Blair is a fairly trusting person when it comes to strangers, it could work. I certainly wouldn't do it, but I also have titanium strength boundaries and am very leery of strangers wanting to do me favors. Now that I live in the Midwest, I'm told that this is because I grew up on the East Coast.

 

I've written the opening scene, and may post it when I'm allowed for critique. As I understand the rules, I've got to do two critiques and have been a member for two weeks. Thank you all for the wonderful feedback.

 

I understand, but would like to comment on

She could insist that she won't go with him and he shoves the card in her hand and turns away. Later she could see him and during the time apart has come to think nicely about him and approaches to return the card with a balance left on it.

I mention this because I like to help others but they are often frightened of me. I tend to do the quick help and leave. Later when they see me again, enough time has passed and they now see me a bit differently and some will approach and thank me at that time.
That is how it played in my mind as I read the OP.

 

Sure, but trying to override someone's 'no' is not polite. I'm going to go along with not liking this. I feel like I could pick up a copy of The Gift of Fear and point to the pages that point out why she should be wary. He refused to accept a no, and he...OK, I don't know what to call the "Help me spend it? Please?" thing, but I'm sure there's a page.

I'd be better if the word 'no' weren't said, and he therefore weren't trying to override it.

 

This is actually a really good point. What's the purpose of her saying no in the first place? I took the no part out of your OP and I definitely like the scenario better.

My main character, Jester, meets his future wife, Blair, when she trips over him. Long story short, they're having to evacuate the city, so Jester is asleep in a sleeping bag at the bus station, and Blair is on her way back from the coffee shop with a travel tray of coffees. She spills the hot coffee all over him. They work it out ("I'm fine, are you okay, sorry, etc."), but then Jester offers to replace the coffees. "I've got a gift card and this looks like my last chance to use it. Please?"

 

If by polite refusal you mean her saying something along the lines of "No, I couldn't possibly..." then yes I could see it work. Some people have a tendency to refuse gifts the first time as a modest gesture until they're pressed to do so.

 

That plays really well. Thank you. Put it like that, and it takes the awkwardness out, for the most part. Most people I've seen in these kinds of scenarios squabble "politely," but I agree it's better if they don't.

 

Favor sharking?

And yeah, it's not like you're writing the autobiography of these people. If you say she accepts, she accepts, the end.

People do a lot of things they wouldn't usually do when they're stressed out and tired. The way I understand it this poor woman has had to leave her house without knowing if she's ever going to see her things or her home again, she's got family members she's worried about and wants to urgently get back to, maybe she's cut off from people she desperately wants to contact, there's scared and cranky people all around her...

Maybe spilling these coffees is the last straw and she breaks down. Maybe she snaps at him out of sheer exhaustion and regrets it when she reminds herself that everyone there is feeling as terrible as she is. Maybe she doesn't need replacement coffee because it's not about the coffee, she just needed a minute away from her panicked family members to collect herself. Just... if you're stuck, connect the meet-cute to the ongoing situation. There's ample opportunity for human connection here.