1. saxonslav

    saxonslav Member

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    Super Serious Family Drama Time

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by saxonslav, Apr 18, 2018.

    This thread won't influence any decisions I'm making, but I'd like people's opinions on the following. I will present the views of the people involved as honestly as I can, and I will answer any questions honestly.

    I told my father, who I'm not currently living with, I feel quite stressed and uncomfortable at my current home, and so he proposed I move in with him if it's legal (I have since found out it is, but that's another story), and I said I'd think about it.

    My father informed my older sister - who is quite close to my home family - who then also informed my parents at home. Yesterday afternoon I was asked to explain myself.

    My mother's and stepfather's views are this:
    • I should not feel uncomfortable because I am not being abused or punished like my mother would have been as a child
    • If I had problems, I should come forward about them- I am at fault for isolating myself
    • Everyone is treated equally- my younger siblings (both under 9 years old), my older sister, etc.
    • Asking to not be treated in a way I feel negative about is special treatment and unfair
    • I am to change my behaviour to suit my parents, however, asking for them to change their behaviour is not permitted- as adults, they know more than me.
    • My father sees me little (he sees me whenever I ask him to come, he could not leave me alone in his home when I was young), so he does not actually care about me.
    The cause of my discomfort is that I do not care for any amount of praise (I get it at school and I am fully aware of numerous people that respect me- such as my girlfriend's parents), I just wanted a less aggressive/negative approach to me in the household- I treat everyone calmly, politely, kindly as possible, making jokes that are as safe as possible (I don't know what level of humour is really allowed from me), I want some kind of similar treatment back.

    Example:
    I allegedly spoke to my mother badly. My stepfather, not knowing what exactly I said, comes to me and tells me to "think about how, why, I speak to others", and that my mother is "not a friend from school". He asked (perhaps this is an example of their "humour" I don't understand) if I should be "hit to make me remember".

    My issue is that my stepfather has no idea of the severity of what I said, but since my mother was offended enough to complain- that is cause to quickly deal with me. I simply requested that in situations like this- I am not attacked as I am perfectly willing to work with my parents. This is similar behaviour to how people usually behave towards me, and I do grow quite uncomfortable being made to think that this is how mistakes are handled, when I am taught to be calm and patient with people.

    Like I said, give your opinions.
     
  2. DueNorth

    DueNorth Senior Member

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    I’m doubtful that a writer’s forum (or any place on the internet, for that matter) is a very solid place to get advice on such a serious and complicated matter. There are important feelings at stake for each of you, and step-families are complicated. Many times step-parents “step” into a no-win trap when they attempt to rescue their spouse from the very natural give and take, push and pull, emancipation push, independence/dependence pull that goes on between mothers and sons. I used to have some prolonged “loud discussions” with my mother in my teenage years about our different value systems. My dad would sometimes intervene, and my mom was smart enough to say, “It’s okay. We’re just talking.”

    Sounds like your stepdad thinks he needs to protect her from you. Let things cool down. Families go thru crap. Maybe you can talk with her away from him—it’s really about you and her. All that being said, this is no place for advice. Talk to a family therapist or a school counselor. And good luck—not easy!
     
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  3. 123456789

    123456789 Contributor Contributor

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    My opinion in this is probably worthless, but if a man who is not my biological father, and is, you know, living with my mother, in any shape or form suggests hitting me, I'm going to want to hit that guy and then move out ASAP. This man should be sucking up to you, not talking down to you.
     
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  4. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    To me, this makes all the details of the disagreement irrelevant. He has lost all grounds for claiming to be an adult or a rational being.
     
  5. 123456789

    123456789 Contributor Contributor

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    Yes. I understand that it's easy for us to sit here and pass judgments, and that people have complicated situations that they alone have to deal with. After all, this is the OP's family. For all I know, the step father deeply loves the OP and has made great sacrifices for him, and simply doesn't know any better regarding the hitting comment, or just made a really stupid comment/joke.

    But, taken in vacuum, a man suggesting to hit a 15 year old kid, especially one that isn't even his, is NOT cool. My blood is boiling just thinking about it.
     
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  6. saxonslav

    saxonslav Member

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    I'll certainly talk to someone professional if I get the chance. Not many resources in my position right now.

    Well, they reason it as their right as a parent, and it's quite subjective in the end. I also don't want anyone to think I'm being abused frequently or something.


    Thanks to everyone for their responses, I didn't want to bother myself with continually thinking in a confused loop while I have work to do.
     
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  7. CoyoteKing

    CoyoteKing Good Boi Contributor

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    So I grew up in a similar household. I was expected, basically, to walk on eggshells around my parents. I'm in my twenties now, and I'm estranged from my father (for a lot of different reasons). I just want to tell you some things.

    That's a reasonable request, and that's the right way to handle things. You did fine.

    Yup. You're right. That isn't how adults should handle disputes, for lots of different reasons.

    So, to summarize:
    • It's okay for them to treat you badly because... your mother was treated worse.
    • It's okay to treat you badly because... they also treat your siblings are also treated badly.
    • If they treated you respectfully, that would be favoritism.
    And, to top it all off, it's your fault because you should've said something earlier... but also how dare you complain. The thing you're complaining about is totally irrelevant and not even worth discussing because you're a child and they're your parents and therefore you're wrong.

    I bet I know how you feel right now. You're thinking quietly to yourself: "Those are dumb reasons, and this doesn't make sense. I know I'm a kid, but that doesn't mean I'm automatically wrong in every disagreement. I just want to talk about it. I just want some basic boundaries. I just want them to take me seriously." And you're absolutely correct. All of those things are true. Congrats. You are becoming an adult. Your parents are not bad people, but they're being bad adults right now.

    You can't fix this or change this. So think seriously to yourself: would you really prefer living with your dad? Would it be worth it? If it is, go. If not, don't. Keep in mind: every parent is going to have something wrong with them, and there's always going to be conflict somewhere. If it isn't that bad, then stay.

    You will encounter many difficult people in your life. Keep your head down, let it go, move on. Forgive. Grow up, turn eighteen, become a better adult than them.
     
  8. Andrew Alvarez

    Andrew Alvarez Senior Member

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    You should not be told how you should feel, no matter the reason. If the feeling of discomfort is irrationally overwhelming, may be a psychological issue that must be treated. If there IS a reason to feel discomfort, you will feel discomfort. Simple as that.
    That is an objective valid point, but also sounds like narcissistic projection to make you feel isolated in a no-win situation. People isolates on certain periods of their life, specially adolescence. It's natural, and part of growing. Bottom line, life functionality: if you are able to handle a schedule, you'll be fine. Narcissists never really want to hear you, but blame you for not 'trying to communicate hard enough'.
    That's stupidity. Nine-year olds cant be treated like grown ups, and vice-versa. There should be a set of common rules in a house, nor more nor less. Unless you have behavioral disability, should be treated with some privileges according to age and maturity. Make an internal recount of them, and ponder if they're adequate or not.
    That's at best obscure, and depends on what you consider 'a negative way'. By example, to be asked to keep personal hygiene is, probably, not negative, but be yelled at for not mowing the lawn every three days is not. Also, use criteria.
    That's nature. A family is not a democracy, but a pyramid of power. There' s not a logic of keeping everyone happy and fair, and such extends to behavior. It is not fair, by essence, so the only you can do is assess your pro and cons. Until you start paying bills, they'll have the upper hand in everything. That includes behavior.
    Bull. They are not in position of determine how someone cares about someone else, specially under bias, unless your father has committed a crime against you. But some details can be telling - just ask him about it, and make sure to quote the sources from your question.
    Narcissistic-handled environments never provide emotional feedback, but only drain. If you do objective acts of goodwill and these are not even noticed, probably is the case. Do not expect emotional reward, and simply behave in a cool way that's comfortable for you to carry on.
    That's worrisome. Probably should ask advice to your own father for such event. Narcissistic mothers will use 'winged monkeys' all the time to feel powerful.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2018
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  9. saxonslav

    saxonslav Member

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    Although your advice is as valid as everyone else's, I'm particularly glad you pointed this out. I'll be sure to be more concise and clear in future, thanks man.
     
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