1. archer88i

    archer88i Banned Contributor

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    The care and feeding of trolls

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by archer88i, Aug 8, 2017.

    I was pretty disappointed to see a thread with a similar title pop up that had no useful information. Before I get in too deep, though, let me back up and fill you in on what's going on...

    My cousin is moving soon (well... I mean, not voluntarily, but that's another story--and I promise it's not related) and she has a three year old dappled Norwegian Longtusk. Right now he lives in the back yard and he's just happy as can be. They've got a little swing set back there, and they set up a tarp over the top of it, and basically he just sits under it all the time like it was a bridge. I mean, sure, now and then he stops you when you're trying to walk through the yard to take out the trash, but you just give him a treat and he's like, "Oo ay ass!" (the tusks make it hard for him to pronounce consonants, so read that as, "You may pass," ok?) and then there's no trouble. A very, very loving creature, and I'm sure that what happened to the neighbor's dog has no relation to him whatsoever.

    Anyway, she's moving, and the family has kiiiiind of volunteered me to take Gomer (that's his name) off her hands. I just need to know if that's possible. My apartment has a spare bedroom, but I'm not even sure he's going to fit through the door. I'm sure he won't unless we get him de-tusked, but, I mean how could you do something so cruel to such a beautiful set of chompers?

    So, seriously, what should I do? Who has some tips on caring for a poor widdle homeless troll in the big city? Should I give him up for adoption? Can a bridge-dwelling species like the Longtusk adapt to a more cave-centric lifestyle? Like, what if I put foil on the windows and keep the lights off?
     
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  2. big soft moose

    big soft moose The Moderating Moose Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    keep him away from the internet .... they have a bad reaction to the blue light from the screens, and start developing Identity dimophism
     
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  3. Wreybies

    Wreybies Arroz Con Admin Operations Manager Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Check your paperwork to see if you bought the extended warranty on your living room furniture. You'll be needing it.
     
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  4. archer88i

    archer88i Banned Contributor

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    Keep him away from... oO

    His hands look like manhole covers. How could he even use a computer!?
     
  5. newjerseyrunner

    newjerseyrunner Contributor Contributor

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    I was in a similar situation when I adopted my brother's pet troll. I locked him in the basement. He doesn't require much attention. As for feeding your troll, once a week I order a hooker and lure her into the basement. Once she's close enough to the troll, he'll just grab her. You'll need to sound-proof your basement and have something to do with the bones.
     
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  6. TheNineMagi

    TheNineMagi take a moment to vote

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    Mine starved to death, I kept forgetting to feed him, and he just withered away.

    However, I did take him to the taxidermist afterward, and now he keeps my feet warm on cold winter nights as a beautiful purplish black throw rug in the living room.
     
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  7. jannert

    jannert Who? Whooo? Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I HATE people who de-tusk trolls just to save the furniture. Really. If a person can't put up with tusks, they should get themselves a guinea pig or something.
     
  8. matwoolf

    matwoolf Contributor Contributor

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    People might argue ditch the single troll, invest yourself a field of unicorns?

    ...

    A fairy myself, wish I could offer you more assistance. Manage a willo-the-wisp, lily, lavender co-operative..

    In the business we know troll rampage devastates habitats. Tusk or no tusk, come his puberty troll chases billy goats. Goats get gruff, and game over. Problem as old as the hills.

    Gone are days mankind would catch him, take the troll to a toy shop.

    Thing is most trolls live happy among teddy bears till Christmas time. People don't realise this truth. Worse still, in Iceland, Finland they barbecue the meat, sell tusks to cruise liners. So, there's your dilemma.

    Take my advice, learn to love him as your own in a big city. That's the future way, I am sorry.
     
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  9. TheNineMagi

    TheNineMagi take a moment to vote

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    Oh the horror of the teddy bears, if you have ever seen what they do to unsuspecting victims, the poor trolls, they never had a chance.

    I once saw a teddy bear beat a troll with a picket sign reading 'Teddy Bears Only - Say No To Trolls' it was brutal. The sheer trollity of it all. It was one of those moments that can never be unseen.

    I immediately went out and joined Troll Peace afterward; it was the least I could do. The teddies won't talk to me anymore, and last I heard they have a bounty on my head.
     
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