Do you know why the queen can move around so well on the chessboard? Because it looks like a kitchen floor. Spoiler: Bad me Hope I don't get banned for that terribly bad joke. I also would like to take this opportunity to say that I am for equality.
Oh, does this mean I get to bring out my beloved collection of elephant jokes? Please advise. Might be too sophisticated for modern audiences. Before the carvings were done on Mt. Rushmore, its natural beauty was unpresidented. I told my suitcases there would be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage. I love the phrase, "Bear with me" because it could either mean, "please be patient" or "the heist at the zoo was a success."
A man invites his work colleague round to his house for tea and to meet his wife. That evening the three of them sit down at the table to eat. Half way through the meal the man’s wife asks her husband’s friend whether he’d like another helping of mash. “Ooh, go on then,” he says hesitantly. The wife smiles. “It’s okay,” she says softly, “there’s no need to be polite.” The man thinks a while and says, “Oh, okay then... give me some more mash, you stupid bitch.”
A sandwich walks into a cafe and asks for a bowl of tomato soup. The waitress looks at him and says "sorry, we don't serve food here."
I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago with ear ache. He said I was going deaf. I wish I knew what was going on but I haven’t heard from him since.
I’m on a role now! What’s the difference between a hedgehog and a BMW? A hedgehog has the pricks on the outside.
A man comes home for lunch and finds his wife, in a negligee at the kitchen table with an older man sitting at the table in his boxer shorts, eating a sandwich. The guy asks his wife, "What's going on here?" His wife replies, " You remember, Honey. I told you this morning that Mr. Collins, our mailman, was retiring after today, and I asked you if we should give him a gift. You said, 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The lunch was my idea."
I know there's hardly any video game fans on here, but here's a pokemon joke. Champion Cynthia's team walks into a bar, they are surprised to see that there is no counter. The space marine refused to play horror games, because there was too much Dead Space in them. Why was the man afraid of his own shadow? Because it's a Jung-le out there! (I am sorry for that one XD) What do you call a Pirate Defending a client in court? a LawYAR (Nope, not sorry) Where do Elder gods watch all the greatest shows online? Cut-hulu (Please don't kill me XD)
A woman in the grocery store is approached by an elderly man who says, "Sorry to bother you miss, but I had sex with a 22-year-old college coed last night'". The woman replies, "OK, but why are you telling me?". The man says, "I'm 94. I'm telling everybody!".
Apologies to the non-Brits. Only those familiar with British accents will appreciate (or not) this one. A guy from Birmingham joins the army. He arrives at his barracks and the following day reports to the sergeant. After the official paperwork the sergeant looks the new recruit up and down and says, “So, private. Did you come here to die?” “Nao, sir,” the private replies. “I got here yesterdie.”
Reminds me of a redneck accent joke: State trooper stops a speeder in a camouflage pickup truck. Approaches the driver and asks, "You have any I.D.?" Driver answers. ""Bout whut?"
Here's a good one: Person A: So my friend wagered that he'd give me a dollar for every letter in the alphabet if I won a coin toss. I got more than 50 dollars. Person B: How did you manage that? Person A: He's Japanese, so I tricked him into using his Alphabet. Person B: without spelling it out to him? Person A: ... we can no longer be friends.
The joke is the 'without spelling it out to him' part, person A is embarrassed that his joke was ruined by a word pun.
eh it was a dumb joke anyway lol in the mean time I thought of another one that's far better. What do you call a short story about a man named berry Allen? Flash Fiction! (I am not sorry XD)
From the Straight Dope: If you call the Schwinn company and ask if their business runs in cycles, do they refer you to a spokesperson?
How do you tell a good joke from a bad joke? Sadly there's no way to know for sure, humor is subjective and what everyone finds funny is different from everyone else. (Not really a 'joke' but I thought it was an amusing thought)
