Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were going to be in his movie. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "So I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Hehe, funny. There was something similar to that in the lounge a while back, but I don't think there were many of the same ones...
Yeha, it's funny. I think Gannon posted something similar but with countries. Oh, I got a brilliant joke for you.... wanna hear it???? MY DRIVING! HAHHAHAAAHAA!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.” 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” . 12. The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,. 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
A man drives through a small town when is car dies. A horse walks up to him when he opens the hood and the horse says: "It's your carborator" The man looks wide eyed at the horse and says: "Oh my GOD! A talking horse!" The man runs to the nearest stor and says: "You guys won't believe this. I just found a talking horse." "And what did that there horse say?" one of the people asked. "Well... my car broke down and I swear to God it said that it was my Carborator." And in response, the cashier yelled out: "Don't listen to that there horse. He aint got no sense once it comes to cars!"
Here's some political humor... A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Management Team" made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.". The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives. Thank goodness this is just a story and this sort of thing doesn't happen in real life eh?
The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA all believe that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to create a test to find out who is actually best. He releases a rabbit into a forest and tells each of them to go catch it. The CIA is first. The set out, placing animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Next, the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Lastly, the NYPD goes in. Two short hours later a badly beaten bear stumbles out of the forest. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I admit it, I'm a rabbit!”
Awesome thread! Coupla jokes for your viewing pleasure... Q.What is the difference between a blond and a washing machine? A. A washing machine wont follow you around for a week after you put your load in it. Q. What do women and KFC have in common? A. After the breasts and thighs, all you're left with is a greasy box. oh.... what has two legs and bleeds.... COME ON..... YOU KNOW..... half a dog. CHeers
lol, that's nearly as bad as a deal baby joke. Ie: What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
Hmm, dead baby jokes? Ok, but I'll spoiler, because these can get - disturbing. What's the difference between a truck full of watermelons and a truck full of dead babies? Spoiler You can't unload watermelons with a pitchfork.
lol. I've heard that one before, brilliant Note: the next joke is dirty What do you do when an elephant comes through your window? Swim.
To get away from dead baby jokes (I think those are the most awful jokes ever.) I'm putting these to jokes in spoilers because they are pretty bad. These are my 2 all-time favorites. They're both pretty long, too. Joke #1 *contains sexual references* Spoiler Father and son are walking home when the son suddenly says, "Hey, dad, I bet I've screwed more women than you have." His dad says, "Oh yeah? Well, how about this: Every time we see a woman we've done, we'll do this." *snaps* They're walking along and spot Mrs. Brown. Father says, "Hello, Mrs. Brown." *snaps* Son says, "Hi, Mrs. Brown," *snaps* "How's your daughter?" *snaps* They spot Mrs. Jones. Father says, "Hello, Mrs. Jones." *snaps* Son says, "Hi, Mrs. Jones," *snaps* "How are your twins?" *snaps* They spot Mrs. Anderson. Father says, "Hello Mrs. Anderson." *snaps* Son says, "Hi, Mrs. Anderson," *snaps* "How's your son?" *snaps* Father looks at son and says, "Well, you've done quite a bit, havent you? But I bet I've touched someone you never will." He walks in the front door of his home and says, "Hi, honey." *snaps* Son says, "Hi Mom," *snaps* "Where's sis?" *snaps* "Is she with Grandma?" *snaps* HAHA!! I love it. Joke #2 *contains profanity* Spoiler Man walks into an ice cream store and says, "I'd like 2 scoops of chocolate on a cake cone please." The sever says, "I'm sorry sir, we're out of chocolate today." Man says, "Oh, okay, just put 2 scoops of chocolate in a sugar cone, then." Server says, "Sir, we're out of chocolate." Man says, "Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Just one scoop of chocolate in a bowl then." Server is getting frustrated. He says, speaking slowly, "Sir, can you spell the 'van' in 'vanilla'?" "Yeah...V-A-N." "Can you spell the 'straw' in 'strawberry'?" "Yeah...S-T-R-A-W." "Good. Can you spell the '****' in 'chocolate'?" "Well, no...there aint no '****' in 'chocolate'." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" sever exclaims. "There aint no ****in chocolate!" HEHE!! Love them.
