The Life Thread

Not at all sad. Nor is it pathetic that I leak tears like a lawn sprinkler at sappy movies.

I've always despised the "men are from mars, women are from venus" way of thinking. It only serves to uphold gender stereotypes. In my experience, the differences between individual brains is far greater than the difference between men's brains and women's brains collectively. And cultural stereotyping accounts for the differences in brains by gender. Granted, there is a valid argument that the chemical environment of the brain includes hormones, which can mean some measurable differences in thought process. But I still maintain that the variation from one individual to another is far more significant.

 

well, first off thanx to everyone for advice, though trusting doctors isnt my thing, unless i know for sure i need it. i prefer talking to friends because they dont have to listen but want to, unlike psychiatrists who r supposed to so they dont truly care. ok, about the martial arts thing-ive never needed it, and now at 6'2" i still dont. i may b a skinny kid but believe me, ppl underestimate me way too much. ive only lost 2 fights in my life, and ive had quite a few. but honestly, i never have liked fighting, it is a last resort for me, unless its a verbal fight lol. i always seem to b able to talk my way out of fights, guess i can b good with words. in fights i can honestly say, i kinda have fun. i mean, im a masochist, so fight=pain=pleasure, ya know. i guess the best thing about me when im mad is that i dont attack u. i usually just give u wut all my friends call 'te death stare' and if i speak my voice is a cold monotone. i dont speak when im mad cuz i know that if i say anything i will b pretty messed up, though everyone who has seen me mad would prefer me yelling at them than my stares and monotones. but it isnt easy to get me mad, u could do almost anything to me and i wouldnt care. but hurt my family, my friends, or mon amour, and then i am mad.

 

Just a pointer with all the fight talk. Fighting isn't about winning. Sometimes the winner comes away the loser. Fighting for what’s right win or lose means you've won if you chose to walk away. It takes a bigger man to turn around and walk away from a fight. Fighting is not healthy. Self defence is different.

Pyrox its good that you like to talk with friends and I'm glad you feel you can trust members here enough to talk.

My door is always open should you need to talk.

 

Definitely true. It just seems like the differences now are even greater than they were before. But maybe that's only for a select few.
The differences between one person and another despite any gender are incredible. =)

 

thanx haunter, though for now i think im done venting, i think ill try to sleep, for i am tired!!! lol about week without sleep, i hate my insomnia

 

Not a problemo. lol go get some sleep things are always bright after sleep.

 

well, all i know is that i wont sleep in bed, ill end up falling asleep here in my chair while im still on the comp lol. my bed is too soft, i sleep better on beds that r rock hard

 

it isn;t about trsut all of the time hunni. byt the sounds of things you need medical help. it only starts off little, a little bit of depression, then it gets worse and worse and all of a sudden you feel like life isn't worth living, which you have allready said before you came close to ending everything. i would seriously urge you to go and see a proper doctor. and yes, they do care, if they didn't then they wouldn't be doing that job now would they? seriously, medical help is the best you can have hear as the doctors know what they are doing. this isn't just a case of your feeling a little sad, this is an illness, and left untreated can turn really nasty. i know you don't want to, but seeing a psychiatrist is the best bet.
Heather

 

well i havea psyxchiatrist, and thats y i say i dont trust them, for he doesnt help at all

 

What about changing to another psychiatrist after all they are supposed to help

 

he tries, but u c, other than i get these moods of depression every so often i am fine, so he cant really do anything. plus we cant cahnge him, he is court appointed

 

court appointed?

 

yea, here in the us since im a minor and before i moved in with my mom i was with my grandfather who isnt the richest person on earth i have a court appointed psychiatrist, as well as a lawyer, though they r both pointless now. my father is getting away with everything like i knew he would, though if he ever tries to get anywhere near me or my family, or anyone i love and care about for that matter, and he hurts them, i wont hesitate to hurt him. i am not afraid of him anymore, i loathe him beyond words. to me he is as good as dead. the way i c it, he is my biological father but he isnt my dad

 

Well I understand that.

 

yea. but i dont need any meds, cuz those would seriously mess me up. as it is i cant b drugged up at the moment, there is too much for me to do, i got to b there for my friends who need me, i need to b able to help my mom take care of my 4 younger sibs, school is starting soon, mon amour needs me, so i cant go get some meds. plus i havent needed them. the only reason y i was suicidal two years ago was because i was at my dads. i slit my wrists, and i bled out and was in my room for three days until i regained consciousness. and u know wut, my father never even noticed. all he told me when i finally was able to come out was to go do my chores. i wasnt able to do them fast enough for him so i got beaten that day for it, and i think i passed out again, i dont remember that day that much. but no matter where i look, i shouldve died. i had lost enough blood i shouldve been dead, and after losing that blood, my father beating me also shouldve done it. but i got a strong will to live i guess, ppl say i got a spark that never goes out, no matter how messed up i am. now, i will never attempt it again, for i will never have a reason to, but honestly, i cant deny that it felt good when i did it, when the blood was flowing, it felt..great, i had been happy, i know its probably some chemical ur body releases to ease the pain, but still, it is the reason y i am a masochist, i am trying to regain that feeling, but i will never cut myself to do it.

 

Dammit. I just got grounded for three days for being in another blokes room during study.
*sigh* Boarding school.
On a related note; advice on homesickness?

 

Lots. I missed my family alot while I was away always do. Best advice Keep a little room in your head tell no one and when you close your eyes your in that room watching your family. Its not brilliant but it kinda works for me. Other than that a picture in your wallet should do.

 

Can you call your parents? or friends? Or maybe just take heaps of photos when you go back to school.
When I got homesick after living with my sister for a few weeks, I just decided that I was going home. But It's different for you though.

As for depression, I was depressed for roughly three or so years. The reason was that my previous alcaholic 'partner' mentally abused me. Made me queastion everything I did. He did other stuff which I don't particularly want to go into but I knwo what it's like to be depressed. I still have a touch of it but I'm better than what I was a year ago.

I kept a journal for one thing. I didn't always keep it neat, even now I can barely recognise actual words! Music was also a massive help.

I actually went to a doctor once and he was not moved that I was sitting there bawling my eyes out. He just looked at his watch and said that I should of booked a double appointment. I was hurt and confused, at school I was taught that you could always go to a doctor and talk to them if you a depressed. Obviously he skipped that day in medical school. However, last year I was just having a checkup and mentioned what the doctor said to my new doctor and he was appauled. So not all doctors are ignorant so-n-so's.

Another thing was that after a while, everyone gets sick of listening, making you feel worse. It's like you have to pay people to care. For me, it felt like that my mum didn't care and I actually went and lived with my dad and worked with him at a vineyard.

Eventually I became better, more confident, I got a job. I was having fun but around november I was goign downhill again. I was feeling pretty much like,. what's the point? who's going to love someone that's overweight? I pretty much gave up and then my current boyfriend and I met and to this day I believe that if he did not become my boyfriend that I probably wouldn't be here today. So yeah, depression sucks and for me, I believe that it never quite goes away but there are always going to be fantastic days amongst the bad and shadowed.

You are not alone mate. If you want to vent, I'm willing to listen. regardless alright?

 

Ugh. I have a headache, and I already know this day is going to be a bad one, which is fine. I'm used to bad days. Let's face it, my life has been absolute crap up until now. I'll admit that with the amazing relationship I have with my boyfriend, things have gotten better. But he lives so far away, and my home life is still a mess. And because of what I've been through, I'm always just so... I don't know... Depressed and scared, and I hate to drag my boyfriend into it. I try and act happier than I actually am.

I just can't help but cry. Cry because I lost my baby. Cry because I'm about on daddy number three, and the last two haven't been the best. Cry because daddy number one loved me more than he should have. Cry because daddy number two didn't love me at all. Cry because I ALWAYS have a tendency to trust the wrong people and end up having to watch my life crumble once more. Cry because addiction is too hard to fight, so why fight it? Cry because who-I-was creeps out of me sometimes. Cry because I'm so afraid. Cry because everything so much harder than it should be.

And I try... I try and write to let off steam. Just about every poem I've written is based off something real like that saddness, my constant paranoia, or my damn father. Hell, the only novel I've posted on here is based off my own life, and I read it over and I can't stand the person I see there. She drives me crazy. And, of course, she's still a part of me. I hate that.

I don't know... I'm in a terrible mood today. Bear with me.

 

Other than your boyfriend, do you have other friends you can vent to? Writing about the bad times is an outlet, but it helps to have someone react in real time; not for advice, but just to know they hear you and feel with you and understand.

I know it would be a lot to put on your boyfriend, and in truth, you shouldn't put it all on his shoulders.

If you put pressure on a single narrow stake, you will drive it into the ground. If you spread the same pressure over 20o stakes, they will support it, with no one stake taking too great a part of the burden. If one stake is rotten and crumbles, you still have the rest to support the weight.

This is the key to a support network. You don't overly burden any single support, nor do you have to invest all your trust in any one of them. You spread out the burden, and the trust, and remain secure. Also, by investing a small amount of trust at a time, you find out where you can or cannot rely before you've made yourself vulnerable by trusting too much in the wrong person.

I know it's strange, and even may anger you, to hear about a positive side to what you've been through. But my experience is that those who survive such horrors are exremely resilient people. They are survivors in the truest sense. It is a price I wish no one would ever have to pay, but having been forced to pay it, you may as well own the strength that you have been forced to develop.

Your writing shows that resilience. As hurt as you have been, you have not crumbled.

 

i am just done with ppl and their stupid games. maybe it is better that i am alone, because that is all that ever happens. i need to figure out how not to care about ppl as much as i do. ill never love myself, but it sux taht in the end im alone. not many of my friends talk to me anymore, but hey, im used to it, they can hate me all they want

 

You need to learn the difference between others games and playing games Pyrox you need to consentrate on yourself and people who do not belong to an internet world.

 

No comment. Well, that's not true. I have a comment. It's just not very nice.

 

Mate, I know how you feel, I probably visit that place about once a month or so. I went there years ago. But youneed to start pulling yourself up and out of this dark hole. Seeing as you think that no-one else gives a rats butt, then you need to make the move. Stuff everyone else. Your not doing it for anyone else other than yourself.
You need to see the doctor, the psychiatrist whomever but you need to make an effort to want to get better because otherwise their advice and efforts are going to go only so far.
as for your friends, if youa re continuously like this then maybe they need a break from hearing it. You need to vent, keep a journal. You don't even have to write, draw in it. Make large scratchy inchoherant scribbles. It might make you feel better.
I know life sucks. But Life's a bitch but you die trying. You gotta keep goign because the world needs people that care. Yes it's hard but it's true. You just got to be strong enough to keep caring and to keep going along.

 

I'll say this: Look on the bright side of things. It could be MUCH worse. Trust me. I know. You many not have MANY friends talking to you, but at least you have some that are. Be thankful for that. Everyone has their break downs. I had one this morning even. Even still, that is no excuse to ALWAYS be negative. Life sucks, but like I said, it could be worse. Be grateful for what you have. Live for that. Be happy about it, and I promise you more people will talk to you. Let's face it... Who wants to be in the company of depression?