The Not Happy Thread

My friend who has tried for 3 years to get pregnant, got pregnant and has heard today that the fetus won't be able to survive.
When another friend got 3 late miscarriages one after another, she was so heartbroken (understandably) that her relation with me went really silent. She can't look at pictures of my two small kids or hear me talk about them without feeling the pain. I get it, it just sucks.
One of my colleagues had to deliver her stillborn baby at 22 weeks.

I'm starting to feel guilty for having two kids with very few problems (which is a silly way to react, I fully realize). I can't believe there are so many couples who have to suffer through this. My heart breaks for every one of them.

I was weeping when I got the news about my friend today. Then I felt I had no right to weep, I'm the lucky one. This week sucks.

Oh... and my youngest just got ill. Nothing bad, just another reason why this week should be over.

 

I miss you Spring,
You brought renewal,
You brought hope,

I miss you Summer,
You were so vivacious,
You brought warmth,

I miss you Autumn,
You came with calmness,
You brought the colors of change,

Endless winter is where I am,
Endless winter is where I will stay,
Until you come back again,

I miss you sll so much,
Autumn, Summer, and Spring,
Winter is nothing without thee.

 

I wandered the empty farm with my hands in my pockets. I was kind of in charge, but the Polish guys were doing a good job with the diggers and tractors and 200 tons of chicken shit waiting in the barn. I’d said earlier good luck with the chicken shit, my men but they didn’t understand me. I was all alone, then over in the adjacent field I saw a doggie, a tubby Labrador, cute and sad, and he saw me, there was a fence between us stopping our total intimacy but for whatever reason we rushed toward each other. I sensed he needed a friend and he jumped to kiss me over that fence, but the top wire was electrified for the fucking cows and he screamed in pain and ran away so fast, I never saw him again.

 

FLASH (of Lightning) FICTION?

 

Just found out that I have to work tomorrow (again) when I was supposed to be off to attend a writing meeting out of town.

 

Well this is no good.

I could write you up a note if you want?

Well anywho, I hope it doesn't ruin day too much
with such sour news of more work eating up your
free time, and stuff.

 

Thanks, Cave Troll I wish a note would do it. Unfortunately, I have to cover for my boss, so if He's not here and I'm not here, the business isn't open. It's not my problem technically, but I've been here so long that I feel horrible when the business doesn't or isn't doing well.

 

I got ya, @Corbyn .

Good luck.

 

I've been going through a prolonged bout of sleep paralysis. Almost a week now. Often more than once in any given attempt to fall asleep. It's plagued me since I was young and it comes and goes in waves. It's the worst because it makes falling asleep a dreadful experience of tension. William is getting annoyed as he has to shake me out of it, sometimes with no small amount of shaking, for which he has been given permission by me because that's often what it takes. When it's bad, a small shake only lets me slide right back into this broken piece of code and "blue screen of death" as regards sleeping. If you've had it, you know what I'm talking about. Stuck in between wakefullness and sleep, unable to move, or only weakly so, often able to open your eyes and see, sometimes you can babble or utter a few words, perfectly able to hear everything around you, always with the horrible feeling of suffocating.

 

I'm sorry, Wrey, sleep paralysis sounds awful.

I had a bunch of tests last year because I felt constantly tired - any time of day if I was given the chance, I could've had a nap. Tests found nothing. It got better for a while but now it's back again. Yesterday I slept until four in the freakin' afternoon - yes, 4PM! - and had no trouble drifting off when I went to bed at 11pm. I got up at 7:30am and spent the whole day yawning.

And no, it's not that I slept too much. Something is wrong with me *suspenseful music*

 

That sucks, wish I could suggest something, but...got nothing.

 

And sadly there's not much of anything that can be done about it. I had a sleep study done and everything when I was in my 30's. All it did was confirm what I already knew was happening and there was frustratingly little that could be offered that didn't resort to some high-powered benzos. :/

 

Our pipes burst at 5AM this morning and we had a flood of water gushing onto our property.

My mother was attacked by a swarm of bees that built their hive where we turn off our watermain.

Our coworker blew off work again, so we were scrambling to pick up the slack.

And my sister was mauled by a dog, so her leg is all ripped up and her hands are all injured.

Today is an attack on my household.

 

You pissed of an old gypsy women recently?

 

@NoGoodNobu yikes! That makes my complaints seem rather small. At least my house is okay and no one in my family is hurt. I hope everything gets better and you get some relief and hopefully some rest too. Sounds like you need it. Your having a hard day.

As for my white trash life......

1) still no solid progress on investigating the nursing home that neglected my grandfather. He's in a small box in a closet right now. We can't even bury the poor guy right now. We don't have the money.

2) first people try talking to me about how I need a girlfriend which pissed me off, then my brother has this girl sleep over? WTF?! And he's tried telling me in the past he's " in the same boat " when it comes to relationships with girls. He doesn't know what it's like to be a virgin at the age of 30..... Am I a virgin? Does being molested count? That's another thing. People don't realize how lucky they are that I haven't flipped out and killed myself by now. Instead they think I have a good life. I have it easy. I got it made. I have everything I need..... ALL LIES!!!!

3) my confidence in a fair an honest world is shot down. My brother who has 30000$ in student loans and a bachelors degree makes less money then a grunt worker that didn't even go to any college. Something tells me this is illegal. Especially where he works for a " non Profit " organization. The organization or company or whatever th hell they call themselves is fairly new too. My brother is among the first 20 people that got hired.

4) my self hate issues are getting bad. I don't care to dwell on this or talk about it here. I see every problem I have as small and stupid and call myself a pussy for letting it all continue to ruin my daily life.

5) counciling session was pointless. He didn't talk much which was good because I had a few things I needed to say. I can barely even remember the few pieces of typical fortune cookie advice. It feels so pointless going to counciling when I can't remember or possibly don't care enough to remember what he says. Most of the things he tells me I feel like I've heard them before anyway.

so yeah that's my life. It's not as bad as it sounds. To be perfectly honest despite being stressed out about being surrounded by people that belittle my issues things are actually a little better now then they were the last time I posted a complaint about my life and family...... Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go smoke as much weed as it takes to calm me the hell down. And I have a doctors order to smoke, so I don't care what people think about it and I proudly admit I smoke pot, Have done so since I was 15, and have a perfectly good reason for it.

( copied and pasted. I've had time to smoke and mellow out so I'm okay right now. )

 

The day ended even better.

I had an asthma attack and my mom finally admitted I had asthma (my family is weird about medical things—my mom's military brat so she's a "suck it up" type & my dad was raised Christian Scientist so medicine is fake & doctors are the devil that to this day has him afraid medical care).

Anyway, my mom finally admitted I had asthma, but took the opportunity to chastise me for not being in shape and being fat as the cause of my asthma (I am currently overweight).

Which just pissed me off, because while I was skinny (borderline anorexic—my friends voiced concerns) my asthma magically didn't exist or she would never admit I had it. It wasn't until college when a PE teacher sent me to the nurse demanding I get an inhaler that I was officially diagnosed although teachers have been informing me that I've had it for as long as I remembered.

And it's just hilarious that my mom likes to harp on me about my weight (she's the one who convinced me to get to my skinniest when my friends all said I was insanely thin and looked unhealthy) because her mom harps on her, calling her fat & deriding her for being darker skinned which are both no-no's for the Japanese. And my mom hates that obaachan keeps calling her fat and telling her to lose weight and saying how pretty she can be.

And that's what she's been doing to me for the past ten years, regardless of my weight or how fit I am. Always can be skinnier. Always can be prettier. Just need to try. Just need to stop eating this or that. Just not allowed to drink this. Just stop all of it. Just try harder.

I think I let myself get heavy now just because I'm so annoyed at how often she berates me for my weight.

So yeah. After all the drama & trauma yesterday, it ended on a great note.

 

I just need to take a moment to freak out, and I'm going to do it with typing in hopes that it will mollify a physical panic attack, because every time I think I've broken this story it just comes back to kick me in the face. And deadlines wait for no one. Nor do opportunities. I think writing used to be fun. Well, it still is I think. But not when this sorta thing happens. And it just happens more and more and more.

I like words like mollify.

Fuck my life.

 

So, usually, I'm not one for complaining, but I'm going to a tiny bit.

I made some mistakes in my late teens/early twenties which involved some jail time, criminal convictions, etc. It was nothing violent; I didn't hurt anyone, just made stupid mistakes because I was addicted to drugs.

Now, I've got my life together. I've built a wonderful family, and I'm still paying for what I did. Everything in employment is a challenge because of my criminal background. I did my time, paid restitution, even went above and beyond what the court asked me to do to fix my life. Why am I still being punished? Why do people still treat me like a menace to society?

I understand some of it is justified. I understand it was my own doing. I'm not looking to place blame anywhere other than myself, but when does it stop? When do I get to stop being punished for my stupid adolescent mistakes? Is this what I can look forward to for the rest of my life?

 

Is there any mechanism for pardons or expunging your record where you live?

 

Not in the way there is in some other states. We have a set-aside law, but it's not the same thing as an expungement. There's no real way to wipe the slate clean, so to speak.

 

That sucks. There should definitely be a mechanism that at least seals records after a certain amount of good behavior.

 

Um, you say you're fine, but I'm still gonna say I'm sorry to hear about all that stuff... And, also, what, your granddad is in a box, for real? Is he dead? I must have missed some earlier Not Happy post... And getting molested also sounds extremely bad!
Wow, if I were you, I'd smoke so much weed my lungs would collapse.
Can you find a better paying job to help with the financial problems?
And I don't think it's bad to be a virgin at 30. I bet it's more common than people think. We shouldn't feel bad about doing things that personal at our own pace. I mean, I'll turn 30 in a couple of years and people are already like "why don't you have any kids??" and I'm like "No, f*ck off, not gonna do anything because I'm 'supposed to'!" Sure, sometimes it bites, but I'm not in a situation where I could look after a kid and I'm not mentally or physically capable of surviving a friggin pregnancy let alone child birth, so no thanks.

 

Yeah I don't want kids for similar reasons. Pretty sure I'd be a lousy parent.

 

yeah... i'm much the same, and i think my dad's finally realised the reason i dont want kids, i swear far too much and have a very short temper (i wonder who i get that from.... hmm)