The Not Happy Thread

It never fails, I start searching for faces, and always get thrown into a porn site. It's almost predictable. Click, pretty good, wrong eyes. Click, better, wrong hair. Click, wow - lots of faces (wait for it). Click, nope. Click, meh. Click... holee shizzle, Batman - they can do that upside-down? FFS! At least I'm becoming clinical. 'Hey, she has stretching of the posterior fourchette, must've had a kid.'
May as well put it in the story, somehow. I'm a picta-cologist!
I really gotta learn to draw.

(maybe this is a FWW?)

 

Always one of my biggest fears. One time I was doing a search, (cant' recall what it was) but basically came up with stuff I was like WTF, at.

 

It's now to the point where I have callouses on my eyeballs. The thing that kills me is the ads. They flash gross alien/furry sex so fast, it makes me have a seizure. Even though my story (TC) is about the intimidating part of sex, I already know the picture I want to describe for that in my head. So, it's really the ads that piss me off. Thank Gohd for ad-blockers!
The face part, the expressions, the turns, and angles, just throw me. A woman, just standing still, is tough to describe. Everybody's always moving subtly, even at rest. Those moments, when something about her touches your heart, breathing, eyes looking (try watching someone read), subtle movements that you wouldn't process when active. Those are the drama in the description that photo and video can't convey perfectly.
I set a high bar for myself.

 

They should run Maru for prime minister, on a platform of A New Box for Every Citizen. He'd win it going away.

 

A friend of a friend's husband died over the weekend of the same kind of leukemia that killed my mother. I don't know the woman, so I'm sending healing vibes out to her by writing this, if that makes any kind of sense at all.

They were the kind of couple that saw the world together and had many adventures together. He was way, way too young to die.

Fuck cancer.

 

People in my profession (and similar ones as well) participating in this dumb "feeling cute challenge".
https://americaspoliceproblem.com/2019/04/14/police-across-america-take-feeling-cute-challenge-to-new-dangerous-level/?fbclid=IwAR1jmVx5SsCZaLn5_75KKpVEniac7ClX_djv4g4CO-Lq-rqRerG-JOo-2Fw

I get it, we do all those things in our job...but don't joke about it. Don't make it seem like you're gonna search a cell or send one to seg, or whatever, just bc you feel like it. There is enough stigma around law enforcement jobs as it is, why must you go and make it worse?
Quit making the rest of us look bad! This is not a job where you need to "feel cute". This is a job where you keep your head on your shoulders and your eyes open. "Cute" has nothing to do with it. Get off Facebook and do your job right.
And one of the idiots in the article is from my facility. Makes me want to slap some sense into them.

 

I was looking for a song by Lilly Allen once. Turns out there's a porn actress by the same name, and she's willing to do some very disturbing things on camera. Never google someone with the safe search feature turned off.

 

Just come home from The Big Meeting with my solicitor. I feel like shit for my decision, even though I honestly do believe that it is the right decision, and that I made it for the right reasons.

 

What's going on? Are you OK?

 

I've agreed to a Full Care Order on Hope until she turns 18. I've said I don't want to have access, just postal contact on birthdays and Christmas. It hurts like hell and it isn't easy, but I believe it is the right decision for everyone.
My solicitor said in her 20 years of practice, she has never experienced this before.
I'm about as OK as you might expect. Just grieving.

 

That really sucks that you had to do that, but I know you've thought it through and want what is best for her. Hope for the best for both of you.

 

That's truly awful. So sorry...

 

Hey, I'm noticing that Ka'Train hasn't been around for a while, . Hope everything is alright.

 

Cool Beans!!!

 

Sometimes that's the best one can do. I'm so sorry for your shit situation. Making impossible decisions on the grounds that it's what's best for the kid means you're acting out of love. That tells us a lot about you. We all love you for it, and we're here for you.

 

That's so sad. I was really invested in you and your kid. I'm sending you lots of good thoughts. I'm glad you did what you felt was best; it must have taken a lot of courage. I hope you feel better about it over time.

*Virtual hug, if you want one*

 

IDK if I will ever feel better about it. I imagine it will haunt me forever. But it's done now.
I came to the realisation that the only reason I was still fighting was simply because I wanted her. It wasn't based on whether I truly believed it was the best thing for her. I was simply being selfish. The problem is that it's natural to feel that way. Nobody wants someone else to raise their child. But she's been in care since she was 7 weeks old, and she'll turn 3 this May. She's settled, happy, and bonded with the foster family. I can't justify uprooting her on the off chance that I might be ready and able to look after her at some point. That isn't fair to her. Everything I wanted for her she already has where she is. I don't have anything as good, or better than that to offer her. She deserves to have the best life possible, and I don't believe she would have that with me.

 

Oh boy. Now comes the awkward discussions/explanations to all those happy for me about a certain reality not being so. Helped to bring it up with a buddy on here, then my oldest niece found out when I let it slip. So far, only three people know.

I'm thinking about just using some lyrics from Billie Jean: "The kid is not my son"

 

I'm so sorry. I completely understand wanting to raise your own kid yourself. (Not based on experience, of course, but logic.) Like you said, it's only natural. When I said I hoped you'd feel better about it, what I meant I think was that I hope you can come to terms with it. That might be the wrong thing to say, too, but we're here for you, as a forum.

 

^^^That, right there, is love in its absolute, purest form. I'm sending lots and lots of love and hugs to you, Flod.

@flawed personality I can't say it any better than RZ just did, so I'll just echo it. We're all here for you.

 

The pain just refuses to go away, it's not physical nor is it mental. It's emotional, and it just won't go away.

 

Ouch.

Better you found out at this point? Not sure what else to say, hope you're doing okay with it.