The Not Happy Thread

I got this message from a buddy back home today (names changed or redacted to protect the guilty):

The woman cannot be trusted....

 

Lies and slander.

 

Law and Order: WF Edition

Case: Cheese and gone missing.

 

Cheese violation.

 

On top of everything else I’m dealing with right now, my car decides to take a dump while my wife is in California. It’s doing the same crap it did last time and last time it was close to $1000 to fix.

 

So it’s the throttle body that’s gone rogue on my car $300-350 to fix, plus a recurring code for engine misfire- means I’ll have to replace the coil packs soon, plus I still have to take care of those tires.

 

Spoiler: Contemplating I’m the Worst

There are times I think her boyfriend is definitely an expletive cheating on her and probably being intentionally manipulative & isolating

So I’m left feeling guilty about being done with her crap because that very well could mean I’ve left her friendless, with no protection or way out.

I’ve encouraged other friends to reach out to her and be in contact, so she knows she has people in her life who genuinely care about her even if she feels like she can’t or just doesn’t want to come to me.

But this is the girl who doesn’t have the wherewithal to keep a creep from orchestrating a situation wherein he inserts himself in her home when she’s by herself and refusing to leave the premises till she agrees to be his and her only thought was to hide in her room and message me WHILE I WAS IN KITAKYUSHU-SHI AND HAD NO WAY TO BAIL HER OUT (not the authorities, not people in the local area, not a single of our male friends nearby—me, busy visiting family in Japan). This is the girl who goes deer in headlights and freezes at a club when a guy just started forcing her into positions for him to grind against or grope and she couldn’t find her voice to say “stop” so that I had to finally come across the club from her horrified expressions towards me and get her out and away. This is the girl who doesn’t know how to politely, let alone sternly and unwaveringly, say “No” and usually used me as a buffer or got me to say it for her. This is literally the girl who is straight catnip to stalkers, being somehow both incredibly sexy and with an undeniable aura of sweet vulnerability and powerlessness, whom I’d accepted in the entirety of the relationship to defending or rescuing from situations at the drop of a hat, day or night, whenever she asked & needed me to be her spine or shield or both.

And I’m sick and tired of being only an afterthought convenience, so I’ve been done pursuing her attention, for my own emotional well-being. I don’t like being lied to. I don’t like waiting around for someone to think I’m worth their time but only if other plans don’t subsequently arrive. I don’t like unreciprocated priorities and affection. So I’m done doggedly chasing someone who won’t meet me half way.

But then I wonder if abandoning her alone in the deep end, when I’ve always been her kickboard, is the same as knowingly letting her drown.

If something happens to her. If she gets trapped in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. If the whole thing goes south

is it my fault?

Am I cutting her off for my own peace of mind, knowing full well she is incapable of setting boundaries, speaking up for herself, or safely extricating herself from bad situations? Am I selfish heartless bitch?

If my suspicions of her boyfriend are even close to right, am I actually distancing myself when she needs me most, even if she herself hasn’t herself realised or accepted? Because maybe one day, maybe soon or maybe still further down the line, she’ll need help and I’ve left her with no one she’ll turn to?

Just more ways my brain wants me to consider I’m a complete asshole, letting down her longest and most intimate relationship when it gets tough and when she might frankly be most needed. . .

 

You aren't letting her drown, you're preventing her from drowning you. If that's how your treated from that many years of devotion, it will never change.

 

I want to be fair by her.

She isn’t intentionally cruel, just carelessly thoughtless. A bit complacent, reliant on my being instigator or my persistence in our relationship. She loves me, or loved me as the case may be, in her way. More than she loved most—but I wasn’t the same priority level to her as she was for me. She never meant to hurt me. She just did.

And some of it’s my fault. I set a bad precedent. From the very beginning I put a lot of my energies into us, energies she didn’t reciprocate and I merely accepted her lesser lengths as a matter of form—however badly I’d end up feeling by being let down time and again.

It honestly probably would have just continued on the way it was, except that she tried lying to me. And even though I was never fooled and immediately called her on it, repeatedly as she changed the lie till she finally admitted the truth—I stopped trusting her.

And it was the anxiety of distrust then paired with my increasing hurt at the unequalness of our relative situation that ultimately led me to come to feel the way I do about her now: I still like her and care about her wellbeing, but I don’t want it at the expense of my own.

I want her to be happy. But I want me to be happy.

And I want both to be true simultaneously, however that is achieved.



And I don’t seem to be her happiness, and I’m no longer reliant on her for mine . . .

Spoiler: Edit to Add

If I sound defensive of her, that’s probably just ‘cause I am.

Old habits die hard.

But you have to understand, while she might have caused some of my worst heartaches

If you asked me to share my top 100 best memories, she’d probably be in at least a hundred of them. . .

 

Well, it seems like you still really want the relationship, and she doesn't seem all that bothered. People don't change much. I can see from your posting a pattern of you being used as the tough one in the relationship. When she moved on to her boyfriend, that role went too. Honestly, as much as you are trying to take a higher road and wish her well, I think she just screwed you be leaving you out to dry when she was done with you. I'm truly sorry that happened to you.

I have a real distaste for liars, and difficulty forgiving them. Actually, I never do. Sometimes I move past it, and other times i cut those people out. The problem is, when someone becomes comfortable with lying, they continue it constantly, and it never really stops. There never seems to be middle ground. If she lied to you about the boyfriend so blatantly, she probably lied to you about other things consistently too that you didn't know.

I don't know, I'm not you. But I find that everyone who tries to take this "wish for each other's best" road, end up with no reciprocation. Sure, it's a cynical outlook, but I'm still waiting for someone to prove it wrong to me. Been waiting a long time now. Don't have a lot of friends because of that mindset, but the one's I do have are of quality.

 

I understand your stance and where you’re coming from.

I immediately want to go back into her defence, explain her life and share various intimates about her, lessoning her culpability or softening your opinion of her because I don’t think she’s quite as bad as all that. But I won’t.

While it’s true I crave the intimacy that she & I shared for nearly over 13 years now, if she came back to me today, saying sorry and she was wrong and things could be the way they were but better—I honestly just don’t feel the same about her as I had. The trust is gone, and while, yes, I still feel kindly towards her, it’s nowhere close to how I used to feel.

Regarding the wishing for everyone’s best fluff—that’s usually only towards people who are not ill-willed or intentionally unkind. I’ve experienced more than a few who were malicious, manipulative scum of the earth with whom I’ve no sympathies. But there are those that have absentmindedly made me miserable, and to be fair I grave them that power over me, and to whom I’ve eventually stopped giving that power. One of which I was in love with for a few years but is still a friend of mine—not an intimate friend, but maybe third tier. We get on well, but part of that is just knowing each other’s faults, flaws, and vices and accepting that’s how we each are.

I’m mostly the same as you—few friends I keep close. It was really only her and then we both much later in our friendship brought in a “third wheel” whom we both also love but to a lesser extent than each other (he knew she & I were an unrivalled intimacy before ever befriending us, so he was incredibly happy to be the next most trusted and cherished friend in the “best friends club.” So now he’s my number one . . .)

But for most people, I kinda just figure out who they are and what their faults are and determine to what extent I’m willing to except them for how they are. My friend getting married can be awfully selfish to everyone—leaving people locked out of his apartment for three hours after inviting them over because he got a subsequently more interesting offer from others and keeps pushing back the time (5 more minutes, ten more minutes, be there in 15, just down the block finishing up, et cetera). He’s incedibly low on my priorities—he’s an absolute blast to be around when he’s around, but he isn’t worth any special effort or consideration.

So I just determine if I can accept people’s vices and to what extent I’ll put myself out for them: Davi’s a past wrongs vault who vindictively will throw it in your face when he’s at his lowest/most self-loathing; Zel’s a gossip and loves stirring up drama, Dick’s self-absorbed, Percy’s kinda emotionally detached from most things & consequentially unempathetic, et cetera.

They are more than their worst traits, with plenty of positive ones in the mix to help balance or tip scales. But I typically decide what faults I’m willing to tolerate & to what degree. Which is probably why I’m mostly a hermit or do things solo.

I was willing to put up with a lot of Seline’s ‘cause she & I experienced a shared trauma at the start of our relationship, and we both went through it & suffered the aftermath together. No one else understood, or worse didn’t believe us, we got ostracised & stripped of credibility, et cetera et cetera. For a few year’s we only had each other. And that forges a pretty strong bond. And years added other life events that we went through together, which cemented it. But even beyond that we were so insanely the same, but distinct. We love the same things, think the same things, have the same humour, the same sympathies and antipathies. We were two sides of a coin. We can be across a room and share a thought wordlessly. We were something uncommon.

So I’m a little doubtful I’m going to find someone else like her, like myself.

Some of it I think comes with time, being intimate with another person so long that you grow of the same stuff and into similar moulds. But we had overlap from the start.

I don’t know. I don’t really like a lot of people, so to lose someone I loved is a hard blow.

And I feel like part of why I’m in emotional flux is because she meant so much to me, and I didn’t bother creating other strong bonds.

I’m not a completely independent person. I like loving someone.

 

I know this feeling. I'm technically extremely independent, going about the day-to-day with no real trouble at all. But I miss my friends a lot of the time. Mostly all of my good friends are halfway across the country, and can't afford to live in California, which is understandable. But I've been isolated from them for almost a decade now. The lack of friends is difficult, and it's my fault because I spent so much time working on other stuff. Work doesn't help because almost everyone I work with is around double my age. My job is extremely rare and anybody in it rarely ever leaves. So hanging out with a bunch of retirement age people isn't really my cup of tea all the time. The business travel doesn't help usually either. Everybody always asks how exciting it is to travel around to different cities and countries, thinking I'm living the high-life going to see all these things. In reality, I'm either jet-lagged or working. And mostly always on my own. Eating in restaurants alone gets old very quickly.

I'm sure you will find another strong relationship like that again, but it will take a massive amount of time. Focus on something else to eat my time away usually helps. That's why I'm back in school again. I simply am so encumbered with other stuff to do, that I don't really look at much of the negative in reflection. I'm also going to school as a hobby, not stressing over finding a job with the skill gained, which helps significantly. I guess I've found a certain comfort in industriousness, but I would still like some friends along the way.

On here helps. I like being able to help others with their work on here. Makes me feel more relevant and part of a community.

I sincerely hope getting all your thoughts out in writing helps you with the issue of your former friend.

 

. . . I’m trying not to think about the story I was writing two years ago originally as a gift for her, that ended up about two girls with an unhealthily intimate relationship that grow over the story to realise how each was enabling the other’s worst coping mechanisms and ended with the two separate in different places with different people, having learned to let go.

A story I was writing before the first ripples of the current fall out. . .

And I’m also mostly independent. I actually don’t mind eating at restaurants alone, or going to see films or whatever else.

I’m going to a concert alone tonight. Looking forward to that.

I just need intimacy at moments.

I like this site too for community. It’s nice having a place to just vent at a little, especially as I try to get a hold of what I currently want to write.

 

Well, happy venting. Many of us here for you and happy to keep you company through the struggle.

Have fun at the concert.

I will be slaving away at homework, cleaning, and writing today. Not exactly the most exciting Saturday, but things need to get done.

 

......Huh.

Was looking out the window as the little squirt was finishing up her Captain Crunch. Looked down, saw the lady from the sixth floor with her daughter. The kid is loud, screams for nothing, but that should be expected when dealing with a child that is on the spectrum. That's not an insult, the little girl is on the spectrum.

So, they're standing there, waiting for the school bus when the mother begins to wail of the little girl. Slapping her head with lefts and rights. The little girl tried to scream but the constant hitting cut her off.

I shouted: "What the fuck are you doing!?" out of the window, but the lady pretended not to hear me. She fixed up the crying girls hair and jacket just before the bus showed up.

Fucking goddammit all. What do I do now? Made aware of child abuse, it'd be in-part my fault that the poor child continues to go through that.

Shit.

 

That's what CPS is for. Call them and make a report. I've done it before, it's easy.

 

Soon as I got back, I did just that. Was easy enough, though I dunno if it'll help. I hope it does....

But... I've done what I could, so no need for me to feel any two ways about the ordeal.

 

I'm cold, and I don't know why, but it's made me really lonely. Maybe it's because it's Bonfire Night, so I've had an evening of hot chocolate and fireworks and all the good bits of autumn (which really only exist tonight) and I want to share them with someone. I want to cuddle someone and I feel very alone. Maybe it's because I heard a song today that reminded me of my crush, because it started with me missing her. I think I understand why the idea of "cuffing season" became a phenomenon.

Life was so much easier when I was aromantic.

 

Sorry you feel that way, but the first time through I read that as "Life was so much easier when I was aromatic."

 

That's OK.

Aros by any other name would smell as sweet.

 

Well played! The cliche made it even better.

 

This requires some explanation. I’m typically reticent to use names, but for clarity I’m going to.

Seline, the girl most of my posts in The Not Happy thread are related to, works for my sister.

My older sister has disability but is relativity high functioning for her condition to the surprise of most doctors and social workers. However she does require a personal assistant, and additional assistance from our immediate family—predominantly in the form of our mother and myself.

Well Seline was relatively unemployed and my sister suddenly was without a personal assistant. So I tell Seline, pay for her to get the appropriate training and certifications, get her introduced to the personal assistant agency through the Regional Center assigned to my sister’s case, and basically get her the job as my sister’s personal assistant.

A couple years ago, my sister was tested by a psychiatrist and declared to be not disabled and lost all her assistance, even though it’s a medical neurological disability well-documented from her birth. After fighting and fair hearings, we finally got her back on. Seline had continued in the field as a personal assistant to others, but we had heard she had no interest in adding my sister back to her clients—even though it I’d greatly reduced to only a couple hours on a single weekday.

Well, the weirdness between Seline & I commenced and intensified so we all became confident that she would not work with my sister and my sister would get a new P.A.

To our surprise, it’s at that time that Seline changed her mind to the agency and so has been for the past few months my sister’s P.A.

Now this is filtered through my mother whom my sister tells everything to—especially as it’s my mother who explains what my sister needs to get accomplished with her P.A. because my sister will automatically just go shopping or watch movies or something with her P.A.s and forget she needs medications refilled or help filling out paperwork, et cetera—but apparently their last meeting was at a shopping mall because my sister was seeing a friend beforehand. So her friend meets Seline, who asks how Seline came to know my sister.

To which she said “From her sister. I’m Nobu’s best friend.”

Or something to that effect. My mother made a strong point to emphasise Seline had asserted Seline & I are incredibly intimate and that it was asserted confidently in present tense.

Yes, I know my mother is a busybody and intentionally trying to excite drama in a situation she only knows the highlight reel version of events.

But I am in fact confused by what Seline said.

Is she oblivious? Is she in denial? Was it to test to see if my sister would refute her—even though I don’t tell my sister about any of it because it’s not for her to stress about and I don’t want private life & professional relations to overlap and cause problems?

I mean, she hasn’t spoken to me since the housewarming party in early October? And that was in person. No texts or phone calls for months, maybe August? She didn’t come to the Halloween parties any of our friends through. I’m hesitant to think she’s gonna show for the bacholorette on Saturday.

It seems weird that she’s still adamantly assuring she & I are still close, when I’d say we’re anything but.

Is it rude to call her and go “You know we’re not intimate anymore, right? You know I like you okay but I don’t trust you and you never spend time on me or call to shoot the breeze or check on how I’ve been? You know we just . . . know each other now, right??”

I don’t want a fight. I don’t want a sob fest. I don’t want to feel bad for her and comfort her and make her laugh like the last time we had the disagreement over her repeatedly lying to me.

But I’m not sure what she’s thinking.

 

So apparently I can’t pick up my car until Monday for two reasons:

• It’s illegal in my state (Alabama) to drive a car without insurance.

• My insurance company doesn’t open until Monday. Why, I’ve no clue as most people don’t buy cars in the middle of the work week.

I’m just more pissed because I didn’t know those two things beforehand. -_- Would’ve saved me a morning of getting excited about taking my car home today.