The Not Happy Thread

^^^
*sigh*
Every day of my life...

 

Today we're attempting to break the world record for the most people tap-dancing at once. (Costs £10 to take part; money goes to Children in Need.) To celebrate, we'll follow this up with a roast at a bar. The problem is, this is the bar who outed themselves as a bunch of homophobes on Halloween and I don't really want to give them money. However, I also really want to be included (see previous post re: loneliness) and I have barely any food at home and still no energy to cook/wash up/go shopping.

 

Yes, you did what you could. I hope CPS takes it seriously and makes sure the child gets all the help she needs.

As parent of a now young man on the spectrum, I know how frustrating and difficult they can be; sometimes it feels so obvious that "if they would only listen" and that's a dangerous path to go down. Because if they were capable of listening to reason, able to communicate and understand the outside world, they would not be on the spectrum. It was never their choice, because they never had one and probably will never know.

Our family is fortunate to live in a state (we moved here for his sake) that has good services, and we are financially well enough off that we can handle all the peripheral complications and needs; we are educated enough to know what's out there and articulate enough to demand the help he is entitled to. Not everyone is.

I know what it's like to have people glaring at you in restaurants or out on the streets, sometimes even giving well-meant but irrelevant advice. To feel harshly judged for something that you didn't cause and can't cure, and can only rarely control.

I often thank God my family is in the position we are, and wonder how it must be for people already struggling to get by, to have the complication of an autistic child on top of everything else.

I'm not at all trying to excuse or explain away the mother's actions, just trying to broaden the picture a bit. I hope both the mother and child , especially the child, get what they need.

 

Ugh.

Seline brought her boyfriend to the wedding, even though the invites didn’t say we could bring plus ones—even our married or dating friends got individual invites, and it was to the point that it was a slight to one family where everyone but a single sister was invited and when asked the bride said it was intentional. I honestly would’ve brought someone if I could, but that’s not what’s wrong.

He hugged me.

I don’t like people touching me.

I don’t like really good friends touching me.

I have a comfort level and limit of physical contact—maybe one or two of my closer female friends can be snuggly with me but I have to be aware of the contact before they start for me not to flinch or move away. Seline was the only person I honestly never minded, but that wasn’t from day 1. My best guy friend can’t even touch me all the time, though we do hug and sometimes wrestle. Just not always, not at any given moment.

And at the wedding, my best friend clearly saw that so many people kept touching me and hugging me that I didn’t know well and it was getting overwhelming so that when he said goodbye he held out his hand for me to shake instead of going in for a hug because he knew I was already way over my limit. This is why I love him.

But then her boyfriend just walked up and hugged me.

The worst part was he acted like nothing was weird, when he still has me blocked on all social media for commenting on a photo of just him at theme park that he went on a date with Seline to, that she got the ticket for him, and she was not in the photo and the post made it seem as though he was there by himself, not for the first time and it had been 6~ months of them dating—and so I commented, asking why he didn’t post any photos with his girlfriend?

And it was deleted and I was blocked.

He still doesn’t post photos of or with his girlfriend.

And the social media account of which he’s aware he still has blocked—as of the wedding day and this morning.

And he hugged me without asking and I hate physical contact but this was cringier than usual.

If it wasn’t a wedding and someone else’s day, I would have openly called him out. By which I mean just point out what happened and ask him to explain his behaviour. I would have had the open talk—probably with both of them.

But it was a wedding and I played civil.

But I still feel gross.

 

@NoGoodNobu

 

I also wouldn't see it as wrong for you to have just said 'Get the f*** away from me.' It's just a fact of socializing that some people are the touchy feely sort, but unless they know for certain someone is open to that they really should just keep their hands to themselves.

 

I’m not sure if he saw people I’ve known to some extent for over a decade come up and place their hands on my shoulder or run down my back or surprise hug me over & over & over & over again and just assumed it was fair game to hug me.

Or if he generally was just screwing with me, trying to make me uncomfortable.

But again, I was on best behaviour because I didn’t want to cause a scene.

 

Just because you'd be open to a hug from one person or a group of long term friends doesn't mean he's included. You know that old saying about what happend when one assumes.

 

More and more, as an introvert and someone who values silence, I'm starting to become exasperated even by the notion of extraneous noise. The fact that we can do nothing about fireworks... The fact that someone is allowed to play music in an open space for all to hear. My neighbour working on some DIY project with his garage door open... The constant obnoxious bombardment of sounds over which we have no control. I hate to sound like a killjoy and a prude, but it's quite offensive. I've never, and would never, create noises like this for others to have to tolerate. The worst case of this is when I had to take a coach to university several years ago and the driver felt it was perfectly alright to blast pop music. We live in a world of extroverts thrusting their shit at us.

Okay I'm getting a little riled up. I'll stop.

 

1. The girlfriend in question was my friend.

2. I only asked a question: why he didn’t have a photo with his girlfriend (my friend)? I feel like deleting a comment and blocking me on everything was a huge over reaction to the extent of the question.

3. I don’t think my asking that one question is the same as touching me without my consent. But maybe that’s just me.


I didn’t chastise him for not posting photos with her or tell him to do such. It was confusing to me that after months of dating (and honestly lots of photos with a number of other girls repeatedly) not a single photo seeming like he even knew her, and I was honestly curious to his reason. He very well could have responded or even simply declined to answer, saying it was a private matter.

I personally don’t think asking a frank question is out of bounds or invasion of personal space. Asking a genuine question does not make me entitled to an equally frank answer. He can respond how he wants.

The point of mentioning his blocking was only to note how weird it was to have someone who clearly cut off all methods of contact then trying to be so physically affectionate.


But if you think I’m the one in the wrong, fair enough.

 

Nope, not an iota.

 

I don’t think I read too much into the hug, because I didn’t actually determine his motives. I gave a positive possibly explanation to why he might have done it and a negative one, both equally valid.

I just said it was way outside my comfort zone and moreover weird based on circumstances.

But as I said before, and with no intention of sarcasm: fair enough.

 

Idk, I can sympathize; I hate physical contact with a passion. Some people are just that way. I don't mind shaking hands, but do not touch me unless you know me and even then you ought to know better. I have ASD and I find most people respect my aversion to touch. Also, thankfully, I live in the US where we're pretty good at respecting the personal bubble. I know it sounds overly-sensitive, but a few people are nodding their heads at this. To those who don't get it, I have nothing to offer. I can't describe how much I dread it.

Also, it's only fair for me to point out that I hate weddings. I have nothing against the institution of marriage, but as social functions go, it is just little better than a funeral in that it's at least supposed to be a happy occasion.

-SIN

 

From experience, this is a very loaded question and is usually closely tied to accusations of infidelity. No offense, but from the outside, you appear to have been acting a bit jealous and possessive at times, which are perfectly legitimate feelings under the circumstances, but it shouldn't be surprising that some people may not want to deal with that, especially if they've had bad relationship experiences in the past.

Not where I was in the south, yo. Went to a couple of barbeques down there and literally everyone I was introduced to felt the need to wrap themselves around me. I'm pretty sure there was a queue at one point.

 

Oh, it's true, people here are really effusive and have a desperate need to be familiar with any given poor stranger, but we make up for it with our low population per square mile. And we're still not a country where common greetings are kisses, thank God.

*EDIT* I just realized how misanthropic this post sounds... I manage it without a conscious effort these days. Nice.

-SIN

 

Go to California and people barely wave. You'll maybe get the occasional head nod, but usually everyone just wants you to move on. Different from what I was used to in Minnesota.

 

I'm not sure if I would find this an attractive feature of California or not. I think I would like it at first, then eventually grow suspicious of it, like I do most things. I'm not sure how the transition from Minnesota to CA works, but moving from KY to CA would probably not sit well with me. Different worlds and all... Would make it easier to get Horchata, or so I understand. That alone might make it worth it.

-SIN

 

I don't honestly want to live here, but my job is too good to quit and leave. I like Pennsylvania a lot. And Perth, and Okinawa. Maybe someday I'll get to move. Hopefully. California style and me don't get along often. I'm not the most laid back of people.

 

I get that, I think. Still wouldn't mind seeing it once or twice. I've been to a lot of other states and it would be neat to say I've been there and chalk it off as an experience, provided I wouldn't have to stay away from my home for long. But I suppose if I couldn't live here, Tennessee, Maine or South Carolina would be alright...or even better, some place with good food and without an accent. lol

-SIN

 

Did you at least think to sell tickets?

 

THAT...that...that is some creepy shit right there. *shudders* I guess there really is no going back after you've seen Perfect Blue.

-SIN