The Not Happy Thread

The radio observatory in Arecibo, Puerto Rico is to be dismantled and demolished. It suffered a cable-break a few weeks ago and now a second cable has given way. These are huge things, measured in tonnage, and if you've never been or seen, the dish is not a solid construct, but instead a mesh. A delicate mesh. And it's been torn asunder.

Of all the fucking things in 2020, this most beastly of years, this one has hit me with profound impact. I am a proud nerd, a dork who holds his head high, doubly difficult given that I am gay and only as of late has the overlap between gay and geek been recognized. As a kid pining for Science Fiction novels my parents thought were too old for me, I knew that chasing musical divas would never be my route. I'm not a glitter gay, or a circuit party gay, or a fashion gay, or a makeup gay, or any of those kinds of gay. I'm a Sci-Fi gay. I love tales of other worlds, other beings, other ways of being.

And the radio observatory at Arecibo was my ticket, my bona fides into geekdom, my badge. "I was born just 15 minutes away." It represented Puerto Rico's place in the realms of science, and it was a promise that we too - though never represented in the literature, of course, because Biff Spaceman does not come from Puerto Rico - it was a way to know that we might clamber aboard that ship that takes us to the stars.

To see it is humbling. It's like some vestige of a lost civilization because why else would a gigantic dish like this be surrounded - right up to its very edge - with verdant jungle where tropical birds in riotous colors fill the air with their presence. It was both ancient and new, past and future.

And it will be gone.

 

It has been 5 weeks and 4 days since my grandmother had a biopsy done because there was a nodule found on the lower part of her left lung. The doctor gave her bad news... it was cancer. Since it was cancer, the surgeon preceded to remove half of her left lung to get rid of the visible cancer. A few days later, she had received a phone call stating that it was breast cancer that had metastasized. Five years ago, she thought that she won her ongoing battle with cancer, yet that is not the case. She has started treatment, which is not chemo... It's a pill that she has to take and then after every three weeks, she has to get bloodwork. She starts the pill today, and it doesn't look good. She could die from taking the pill, not immediately, but over time. But then again, what's the point in mentioning that, she's going to die anyway...

Anyway, I only have less than a few years left with her, and well I don't know what to do with the time. I don't even know what to say to her nor do I really have the time to do anything with her. I have school every day, a part time job, and a whole lot of other responsibilities. I can't always focus on her, yet I feel guilty for not doing enough.

 

I'm sorry, I know that's quite hard to deal with. In reality, we would all like to have that extra time between to help where we can and build relationships more, but it just isn't usually the case.

My grandfather died just this year and we knew it had been coming for quite some time. He was bleeding into his brain and it wasn't going to stop. Thin blood and two successful surgeries there already meant it was enough and all we could do was wait. But I found that the in-between time I could fill with what I could. I would make a point to call when available, such as while I'm driving to and from different work sites, or just take time off for a day or two a few times a year. Those little bits add up a lot and they mean a lot to the person. There is a point to talking to them, but not in the sad light of the inevitable end, but in the manner of still enjoying what's left. I never spoke to my grandfather about what was going to happen, unless he talked about it first. We just spent time in conversation about all manner of interesting things and I learned a lot about him. I spent many long drives discussing my plans for the future, and things he had done in the past and was still going to do. In the end, I think it made his passing and last days a much more fulfilling time than waiting alone. I think there's always a point to calling and trying to spend what little time you can to make them feel like they have you as a friend, not just family. You don't have to like family, but you generally like friends. Doesn't really have to be much of anything special in conversation or even that terribly frequent. That feeling of knowing people care without having to talk about the actual issue can mean a lot. Sometimes normalcy is a welcome comfort.

Good luck and hope for the best for you and your family with respect to this.

 

Thank you

I actually live with my grandmother, but we do not get along, I love her with all my heart, but I also don't like her so much... if that makes any sense.
She just doesn't get me and I just don't get her. That's where part of the guilt is coming from, I feel that all this time we could have had a good relationship, but we don't.

 

Unfortunately life doesn't always go the way we hope. I understand. Everyone's situation is wildly different. I hope things do find a way to settle and work out for both of you. Relationships are tough, even with family. Sometimes especially with family.

 

Yes, thank you for understanding, most people don't

 

The supermarket chain with whom I've been doing business, almost exclusively, for more than forty years has modified it's website so that visitors can't see or do anything on the site without signing up for their little membership club. I can't check out the sales circulars, or log in to my pharmacy account. Eight months in to having to put up with people I don't know telling me what to do, I won't take it from a flippin' grocery store.

 

I am struggling with deeply sad feelings these days, even though I feel relatively energetic I am beginning to think I have something like high functioning depression, as my thoughts are going to really dark places. I hope it is ok to write it here, I just needed a place where to "tell" someone while remaining anonymous. I don't want to start a conversation about it, I don't like to talk about how I feel this way, but a "like" to this post would make me feel heard and comforted. Hope I am not too demanding

 

First snow of the season.

 

I miss this, actually, but I understand the disdain for it.

 

not much snow down in San Diego I guess.

 

I'm from Minnesota. Lived there twenty something years. This dry climate is just so boring.

 

Just shy of a 4.0 quake this morning. Little more than a bumpity-bumpity-boo, but still a reminder of this new facet of "normal".

 

I would kill to be in San Diego right now. Snow is nice though, for about a week. Then it gets really old. January and February are hell.

 

It's only an hour drive away.

 

Nineteen hours for me.

 

Arrrgh. I think I have an erupted tooth and blocked sinuses.

 

Ouchies!

Hope you feel better.

 

My dog passed away this morning... She died while in labor. Her puppies didn't make it either, in fact, she miscarried. I've been crying nonstop all day, and I do not know at the moment how to do anything but cry. I told my friends about it, and one of them had the nerve to say "I don't get it, it's just a dog". Yeah? Well, how would they like to die and then have me say at their funeral "I don't understand, they were just a person". My baby was my world, and now my world is gone. You know I get that some people just are incapable of understanding how others feel, but seriously?

Anyway, this is my last thought before I try to get some sleep.
I am struggling to understand how the world can be so beautiful, and yet so cruel at the same time.

 

So sorry about this. We lost our dog this year too.

 

Fear not. Even the ancient romans, cold and stone-like as they are, cried for their dogs.

 

sorry to hear about it, that is very sad. Animals are our friends. Hope you can get some sleep in between.