I don't have all of the finer plot points filled in yet but in essence, it's a story of greed and ruin. But there are no altruistic motives at work here, trust me. I think use of the word "Temptation" gets one's wheels turning without spilling the beans. The purpose of a logline isn't to describe the entire plot and every motivation. You'd have the mother of all run-on sentences. I have a protagonist, an antagonistic circumstance and a goal. I've given insight into the brothers and hinted at the over-arching theme of the story. It's light years better than what I started with.
Yeah, I know. I was just letting you know that your logline does peak my interest and got me wondering what your story is going to be about. But like the article said, it is hard to summarize 120 pages into one or two sentences. But if you know the answers to those questions, which you would since it's your story, it would be easier. I can't not knowing the story, but your logline made me "think" a certain way. ETA: I hope I am being helpful. Like you said if it leads to writing a good script it is worth obsessing over. You are doing the logline before the script. Believe me, after the script is written it may be a whole different thing. And it's easier to write a logline for pitching after you have a complete work in your hand.
Like I said, a logline isn't there to describe every motive and plot detail in the movie. It gets fleshed out with a Beat Sheet and a synopsis. And the Query Letter will contain the Logline and a synopsis so all of those points get fleshed out in the synopsis.
Alright, hopefully the article will help you out, I like the guy's tips. When you finish the script, check this out http://pub22.bravenet.com/forum/static/show.php?usernum=1834220820&frmid=10057&msgid=0 You can pitch it to producers that accept unsolicited material.
I think he means it will be easier for US to help you if we know your plotline too. Difficult to come up with a logline that's relevant if we don't know the story. Can you share a synopsis? If not, we can play around with the words but can't really add much more value than that.
It's a story of greed and ruin. The brothers look to lift themselves out of abject poverty after The Collapse. they have been estranged but decide to put differences aside for the mission.
Two jaded mercenaries journey to a deadly planet to retrieve a priceless mineral only to learn that a massive electromagnetic pulse will soon disable their only means of escape.
As a logline it is better. You have character, motivation and stakes. Good job. ************************************************ I know you didn't ask for a critique of the story but there was a recent thread about movies where the protagonists are bad guys instead of good guys. The consensus is usually they are comedies. https://www.writingforums.org/threads/should-crime-not-pay.161765/ There have been other discussions of the bad guy/non-hero protaganist too this was just the most recent I could think of.
I look forward to reading some extracts of the screenplay if, when you are ready, you are happy to share.
