1. Hocus Pocus

    Hocus Pocus Member

    Feb 3, 2011
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    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Hocus Pocus, Feb 5, 2011.

    Baring in mind I'm only 12, I have wrote a short beggining to a story. Please be as harsh as you like, I need alot of advice. I might have a few spelling or/and grammar mistakes but here is my beggining:

    Mr Forde stood at the centre of one of the many rooms of the art gallery. He checked his scheduel to be sure. He was sure.
    "Five...four...three...two...one" He muttered, like always he was perfectly right. At six forty four, the exact time he ended his count down, a wave of over excited school children came rushing past him. If there was any day of the year Mr Forde hated the most it was this day, Febuary the 5th. The day when the children of Teordoore primary school had there annual school trip. They stood there oblivious to the signs, taking pictures (with the phones they weren't even allowed at school) and daring each other to touch the paintings. Mr Forde remained still, he couldn't remember the last time he actually bothered to even try to keep these children in order. It was hopeless.Once all the children had came past him, Mr Forde saw a man about his age puffing.
    "I can't do it! I can't teach this monsterous class, I just need a break, just one break," the man panted. He went to sit down completely ignoring the fact he was the teacher of this insane class.
    One boy, taking it to far, ran towards the window and banged on it,"Look what's happening, the London eyes stopped moving!" he shouted. The rest of the children, dropping their paper aeroplanes came over to look. Sure enough the London eye had frozen. The cars and buses kept on moving before suddenly stopping.
    "Impossible," Mr. Forde muttered as he too came to look out the window. But again, the planes in the sky stopped moving and breaking all the laws of gravity they did not fall. Boats that were traveling at full speed came to a sharp stop and yet the water behind them stayed still. Everything had stopped apart from the flashing lights on shop windows. They continued before dimming slowly. Almost all of London was now completely frozen. Mr Forde looked around, the teacher (who was still sitting at the side) was frozen. The sweat that had been dripping off his forehead was now frozen in mid air. Mr Forde turned his head, the children were still and didn't even move to breath. Then Mr Forde froze. The last word the art gallery security guard had said echoed around the whole of London, "Impossible...". Everything still, as still as could be, like a very tense moment during musical statues. The only thing in London that wasn't frozen was the clock on the wrist of a normal buissiness man. The hand twitched back and forth on the clock, London was in a time loop. Then the hand broke free and there was a small pop, no louder then the sound of a coin dropping into a wishing well. When this sound happened the buissiness man began to walk backwards, the buses drove backwards, the London eye went backwards. Then, the whole crowd of children moved back from the window. The boy who first saw the London eye stop remained motionless. Then he moved backwards. Then the teacher got up and walked backwards out of the doorway followed by the children of Teordoore primary school. Finally the first few words that had happened came from Mr Forde, "Five... Four... Three... Two... One..." The clock in the art gallery said six fourty four.

    The screen of a television switched off,"Do you see what is happening? Time has gaps and now, at various moments in time, London has to repeat time to fill in those gaps! This is bad. You see in this short film, not even that security guard remembers what happened. But this is all impossible! Gaps in time and London repeating itself, we need to take action and fast!" Said the head of the ministry of time. He looked at the men and woman sitting around the table for reassurence. "Not again he ..." he muttered, all the other humans had frozen.Time was in yet another loop,"Not again..." he muttered.

    Please comment, I need alot of help since I hope to be a published author when I grow up. I also need another suggestion for a title of some sort. If you do comment, can you say whether I have any chance as an author (because I'm not tutored and I don't go to a private school, I just love reading and writing...) Thank you if you did bother to read all of that nonsense.
  2. FictionAddict

    FictionAddict Senior Member

    Feb 4, 2011
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    I'm from Holland
    You posted your excerpt at the wrong place, maybe that's why you're not getting answers. The Review Room is the right place, ok?
  3. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Nov 21, 2006
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    Coquille, Oregon
    ask a mod to move it for you... and add line breaks wherever indents should be as they are lost in posting...

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