so from, Keep running… or, Leave Megan… How sticky are these sentences? The only clause I could remove is the, leaving Megan… But this is an important ‘stake’ that needs to be included in the query letter. I am now just about maxed out on my word count. I see two ways of presenting this and wonder if one reads significantly better than the other, or is it a scrap and redo. Any thoughts or ideas welcome. 1) He needs to choose. Keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for his brother’s death, leaving Megan in the firing line, or take the perilous option: go to London to end this thing. 2) He needs to choose. Leave Megan in the firing line and keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for his brother’s death, or take the perilous option: go to London to end this thing.
I think 2 reads significantly better. Keep running doesn't have as much as impact as a choice to betray (possibly?) a character by leaving them. Plus "keep running" sounds slightly more of a cliche to me. So even though both are pretty active, leaving Meagan behind seems considerably more weighty and something you want to say first. Also I'd probably cut the "who blames him for his brother’s death". It makes the sentence a bit clunky and you already call him vengeful. But I don't know if you need that information to be conveyed in your query letter or how that even works. Good luck in any case.
Sorry, but my vote goes to scrap both and start over. Both versions have far too many commas and clauses.
He needs to choose. Either leave Megan in danger and run or head to London and find a way to kill Ralph, the vindictive gangster who blames him for the death of his brother.
Danny was torn. The vindictive gangster Ralph Teller blamed him for the death of one of his brothers and now Megan could be in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph.
Which of these versions feels more urgent, says more about the conflict? Is the colon right in the first one? Now he must choose: either leave Megan in danger and run, or head to London and face Ralph Teller, the vindictive gangster who blames him for the death of one of his brothers. Danny was torn. The vindictive gangster Ralph Teller blamed him for the death of one of his brothers and now Megan could be in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph.
I'd do this. Now he must choose: leave Megan in danger and run, or head to London and face Ralph Teller, the vindictive gangster who blames him for his brother's death. I feel that "choose" takes care of "either." Also, "one of his brothers" isn't so important for the summary. Just mentioning a brother is enough here.
Just asking as an observer: What are your thoughts on the adjective 'vindictive' in the sentence? Is it sort of redundant, since it's indicated he blames him for his brothers death? I felt maybe replacing it with say 'ruthless' might sound better. I've probably already said or asked this before.
That's a good point. The "blame" bit does hold its own, so ruthless is perfectly fine. I don't think either would be seen as a mistake. Both work, IMO.
Thanks everyone for all the help with this. If anyone wants to see it on context, I have posted the latest query in the relevant forum.
I didn’t find any stickiness to either sentence. For me, the colon doesn’t work. Maybe for a grocery list IDK. I would tighten it up with… His choses are, leave Megan behind in danger, or head to London and face Ralph Teller. A vindictive gangster who blames him for his brother's death. Now he must choose: either leave Megan in danger and run, or head to London and face Ralph Teller, the vindictive gangster who blames him for the death of one of his brothers. Opening with ‘Danny was torn’ is weak (passive). Using ‘run or go’ is TMI. I don’t think this sentence works as well as the one above.. Danny was torn. The vindictive gangster Ralph Teller blamed him for the death of one of his brothers and now Megan could be in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph.
Maybe see the sentence in context, as I say is in a query I have posted for feedback. Using ‘run’ is kinda essential for this.
