I'm writing a scene where John is sitting in the back of a scifi vehicle driven by his friend, Paul. The seating arrangement of the vehicle is such that John is sitting behind and on a level above Paul (sort of like the rows of a theatre). John and Paul get into an argument while being chased down by their enemies. Paul is confident he can outrun the enemy, and he does. But, without knowing it, his rapid driving was making John queasy in the back. At the end of the scene, I wrote this line that conveys what I want to say but sounds a bit clumsy. Does anybody have any suggestions on how I can fix it? "Told you, I'd lose them. Nothing to it." John would’ve retaliated if his hand wasn’t covering his mouth to stop himself from vomiting all over the back of his friend.
The easiest diet you can put it on is: back of his friend --> friend's back vomiting all over And that quickens the ending some. John would’ve retaliated if his hand wasn’t covering his mouth to stop himself from vomiting over his friend's back. If that's not enough, you'll have to avoid speaking in possibilities, because it's using a lot of words. "If his hand wasn't" and "would've retaliated" are both backing away from a direct idea, which isn't wrong, it's just circuitous, and it looks like that effect is hurting the line. (Though it could be perfect elsewhere.) I think I'll sneak "all" back in and re-sort a bit. John didn't answer. He clutched his hands tight over his mouth, trying not to vomit all over his friend's back.
John would’ve retaliated said nothing; if his hand wasn’t covering his mouth he was trying to stop himself keep from vomiting all over the back of on his friend.
Oh, very succinct! Thanks, GrahamLewis! I would like to keep some of the original pieces of the sentence, just to keep a certain rhythm to it, but this definately shortens it all up for sure.
