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  1. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    Too much change of tense with this?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by SethLoki, Jun 2, 2017.

    I've just gotten to typing up handwritten short story when I stumbled into this paragraph and realised I've changed tense maybe 4+ times in the space of as many sentences. The piece (around said paragraph) itself is predominantly simple past. So am wanting thoughts on whether it appears amateur/sticks out. I can smooth it, I believe, but oddly I'm not too disturbed by the way it strays around. A second/third opinion very welcome as I've been staring at it too long now (+ nano critique if you have a moment spare).

    Here it is:

    The hour was late and Arthur was restless in his bed, he struggled to rationalise his greed. Weighing the risk of what access he had to the glass against losing it altogether. A simple enough concept—all or nothing. For that he’d steal and sell it. Yet, beyond the attributes of its uniqueness and cash value, his instincts told him of something else. Of potential. He’d been nagged into insomnia, for hours now, in want of the bigger picture...

    and with the tense labelled (to the best of my ability).

    The hour was late and Arthur was restless in his bed [past continuous], he struggled to rationalise his greed [simple past]. Weighing the risk of what access he had to the glass [present perfect continuous], against losing it altogether. A simple enough concept—all or nothing. For that he’d steal and sell it [future in the past]. Yet, beyond the attributes of its uniqueness and cash value, his instincts told him of something else. Of potential [simple past]. He’d been nagged into insomnia, for hours now, in want of the bigger picture [simple past (use of now, hmm, is apparently okay here)]...
     
  2. xanadu

    xanadu Contributor Contributor

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    The only issue I see here is the comma splice in the first sentence. Otherwise, I think it reads perfectly fine.
     
  3. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    Thanks @xanadu will sort that.
     
  4. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Yep. Same.

    Maybe ditch one or both of the "was" clauses in the openings sentence too. The "hour was late" and "restless in his bed" are kind of redundant. Something like: Arthur lay restless in his bed, struggling to rationalise his greed.
     
  5. Robert Musil

    Robert Musil Comparativist Contributor

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    I'm not sure tense is your biggest problem...or at least not as big a problem as you seem to think. The one tense shift that I'm not sure works is the sentence that begins "Weighing the risk...". You could switch that with the second half of the first sentence, so it goes:

    The hour was late and Arthur was restless in his bed, weighing the risk of what access he had to the glass against losing it altogether. He struggled to rationalize his greed.

    Or you could leave it in place and just re-conjugate the verb to be simple past: He weighed the risk of what access he had to the glass against losing it altogether.

    Without having a bigger sample, it's hard for me to express much of an opinion, but these are just some thoughts that came to mind. See below for some more fiddling, anyway I hope some of this helps at least:

     
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  6. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    Thanks for the input guys. @Homer Potvin I'm with you re. the abridged rewrite. But not using at least one 'was' makes the tense change from the sentences prior to this paragraph quite prominent. The word 'lay' though, makes an excellent replacement to the repeated 'was' – cheers.

    Appreciated too @Robert Musil for paying this some attention. Hopefully I'd have caught the run on sentence with the SPaG sweep :meh: I much preferred your switching the verb to simple past ('weighed' but scrubbed it in the process of paring the paragraph down) Point agreed upon about wordiness. Refined version here:

    The hour was late and Arthur lay restless in his bed, struggling to rationalise his greed. Should he fail in his plan; he’d lose access to the glass altogether. A simple enough concept—steal it and sell it. Yet, beyond its exclusivity and cash value, his instincts told him of something else. Of potential. He’d been nagged into insomnia, for hours now, in want of the bigger picture.

    Read better?
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2017
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  7. Robert Musil

    Robert Musil Comparativist Contributor

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    Yeah, the revised paragraph seems great to me. Only thing is the semicolon in the second sentence should be a comma.
     
  8. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Incorrect semicolon usage here. It should be a comma or nothing. And if you wanted to you could eliminate the prompt/response structure of it and go straight declarative: He'd lose access to the glass if he failed in his plan.
     
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  9. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    @SethLoki

    I'll need to find it, but there is an Essay I've read that explains why if you write a story in simple past tense, you can use ALL 12 teneses in your writing (at the appropriate times of corse). Tense wise, what you've written doesn't seem off to me.
     
  10. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    Thanks again @Homer Potvin @Robert Musil I've corrected the semicolon now.

    And @OJB that'd be fab if you dig it out, really handy (I'll nudge you in a week if you forget).

    So to close this exercise off for any future readers here's the final version:

    The hour was late and Arthur lay restless in his bed, struggling to rationalise his greed. Should he fail in his plan, he’d lose access to the glass altogether. A simple enough concept—steal it and sell it. Yet, beyond its exclusivity and cash value, his instincts told him of something else. Of potential. He’d been nagged into insomnia, for hours now, in want of the bigger picture.
     
  11. OJB

    OJB A Mean Old Man Contributor

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    Seth, I believe, but I am having a hard time locating it and confirming it, that it is 'On Writing Fiction' by David Jauss. He has 7 essays in the book on the current state of literary conventions. I believe his essay on Present Tense vs Past Tense goes into it, but I can't find my copy to be sure that it is the right book that I am thinking of. :(
     

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