I'm at the start of writing a short story and I've come to a section where I need to introduce a lot of new information, but I feel like there's too much for the read to take in at once. Here's the offending sentence (new info highlighted): Pushing a thought through the trodes in her headband, she brought up the multi-tool's menu on the AR display of her glasses and selected the flat-head screwdriver. The new information I want to convey to the reader is: The character is wearing a headband that contains a "trodes" that allow her to interact with her items by thought. She is wearing glasses that have an Augmented Reality display. Through the combination of the above, she can select the required mode for the multi-tool. I feel like that's a lot of new information for a reader to take in in a single sentence. Am I correct in that assumption? If so, how can I best introduce these concepts without causing information overload? On a side note, I can feel how it would go in a visual medium, like a comic or movie, just struggling translating in to the page.
The sentence is a bit long. You can split it into two. She pushed a thought through the trodes in her headband. Bringing up the multi-tool's menu on the AR display of her glasses, she selected the flat-head screwdriver. Alternatively, move these facts apart. Introduce one earlier in the scene and one later. The AR glasses naturally seem to come first.
Introducing too many new thing into a short story can be a problem . The reader doesn't have the learning curve that is available in longer works . It is not just the amount of information , but it is also having the knowledge to understand what is written . It was when I read what you wanted to convey that I actuly understood what the sentence was about. To me trodes is an unknown word so why would it be in a head band ? I do know about AR but I would need to understand the context to know whether is made any sense. I would suggest if your writing a short story, complete the story as best you can and see how it all looks when you have finished.
I would definitely change that opening -ing phrase, because by nature it happens simultaneously with the next actions. That could be fine if there were just one following action, and might even be preferable, but you have two actions happening one after the other, so logically that falls apart. That also shows where the break should go. (edit: there is a way to make the original work, but I'm already going to type too much, I know, and we want to simplify.) Pushing a thought through the trodes in her headband, she brought up the multi-tool's menu on the AR display of her glasses. [full stop] She selected a flat-head screwdriver. Then I would look at things to simplify. Attributive nouns will get rid of a bit. Condense the phrasal (brought up). There's also a one-two rhythm that's a bit jarring (headband trodes, multi-tool menu, AR display, flat-head screwdriver), so find candidates to reduce. I know those are rich details and it's hard to delete, but cutting away a bit will save the host, as it were. You're a surgeon of words! haha Pushing a thought through her headband trodes, she launched a menu on her glass's AR display. She selected a flat-head screwdriver. If you wanted to, you could even take that -ing phrase and use it as the subject (a fat gerund phrase). That's kind of nice because it moves "she" out of the first sentence. "She" gets the second sentence. It sort of solidifies each sentence with one particular actor (unseen actor and then the MC). Pushing a thought through her headband trodes launched a menu on her glass's AR display. She selected a flat-head screwdriver. So you end up with a complex thought followed by a simple thought. It's kind of like dinner and dessert, and readers like that. That's where my edits lead me. Of course there are a million ways to sort this depending on your goals. (If I were to keep going, I would look at the double "hers." One might become a "the," depending on the surrounding text.)
Thanks all. I was starting to think about introducing the glasses earlier, and perhaps refer to the AR display as a heads-up display or similar; I feel more people would understand that. Introducing the trodes is a more difficult one: they are electrodes that allow technology to be controlled by thought, also know as a direct neural interface or brain-computer interface. Trying to explain that concisely will take some thinking. As for @Seven Crowns' info, that's a lot of good extra stuff too. Too much to address in a reply, but I'll definitely be applying those suggestions. For know, I've switched from a plain text file to a Google Doc and I've annotated that section with the link to this page so that I can continue to write and go back later. As I saw on another post "Write without fear; edit without mercy" (@jannert)
Hi Jaguar. I feel like maybe, if this is the first time you introduce the trodes concept why not call them electrodes at first so then the reader is at least dealing with a more familiar word and might deduce that they have something to do with signals sent by the brain. That's just my basic observation =)
Might be an idea. My story is based on the world of the Shadowrun tapletop RPG (5th edition), and they are called "trodes" in that, hence I used the same term. Given that I don't want to assume my readers have a strong working knowledge on the world, this might be a good way to introduce them.
Oh, I didn't know you were writing RPG inspired fiction! I myself am primarily interested in writing fiction for the purpose of an RPG story. I am also a composer and want to have a chance to write the music for my own story. Although I don't know how translatable fiction is into a good RPG. Seems like creating fiction based on an RPG could be more conducive to good storytelling as it's easier to add more detail, while going the other way seems like you'd be taking alot of details away.
