1. Mckk

    Mckk Member Supporter Contributor

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    Query Letter Urban Fantasy Crime Query

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by Mckk, May 29, 2020.

    I don't have a title yet, so I'm just calling it by my MC's name. Below's the query:

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    Lynx is an urban fantasy crime completed at 80k words.

    Detective Lynx Wu would stop at nothing to hunt down the Magician, a woman who steals and bottles the rarest of magic for sale to whomever is willing to pay - and there are a lot of people willing to pay from the city's underbelly scum, including the Jujus, men possessed by vengeful, ferocious animal spirits. It wasn't until Lynx's own brother was attacked by them that he realises how obsessed he is with the hunt - yet, much as his brother would like time with him, Lynx can't put his job on pause.

    The Jujus had appeared en-masse after an animal fighting ring burned down. They want to overrun the city, punish humans for all the pain they’d wrought on living creatures weaker than them. But for that, they need more. They need magic. And who better to visit than the Magician?

    What neither side knows is, the Magician is Sutyu Lam, a girl who can no longer stand the violence the Jujus are raining upon the city and, in turn, on the people she loves. By contacting Lynx with an anonymous tip, she unwittingly enters his personal world. Beneath the detective is a man whose passion she admires, the same passion driving him to hunt her criminal persona.

    It’s only a matter of time before he finds out. Meanwhile, the Jujus turn their attention to Lynx, the detective who is simply too meddlesome to ignore.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2020
  2. Steve Hill

    Steve Hill New Member

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    What do you think of this?

    Detective Lynx Wu will stop at nothing to capture the Magician, a woman who steals and sells the rarest of magic to whomever is willing to pay - mainly to the city's underbelly scum. It isn't until Lynx's own brother is attacked by the Jujus, men possessed by vengeful, ferocious animal spirits that he realises how obsessed he is with this hunt.

    The Jujus appeared en-masse after an animal fighting ring burned down. They want to overrun the city and punish humans for all the pain they inflict on living creatures weaker than themselves. But to do that, they need magic. And who better to visit than the Magician?

    Unbeknownst to Lynx or the Jujus, the Magician is a girl called Sutyu Lam. She can no longer stand the violence the Jujus are raining upon the city and on the people she loves. By contacting Lynx in secret, she unwittingly enters his personal world. She admires his passion - the same passion that drives him to hunt her down.

    It’s only a matter of time before Lynx discovers Sutyu Lam’s true identity. As he searches for her, the Jujus turn their attention to him, the detective who is simply too meddlesome to ignore.
     
  3. Mckk

    Mckk Member Supporter Contributor

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    @Steve - thank you for your thoughts and the effort you must have put to rewrite that. I can see why you made those choices, esp the first paragraph. Yours is smoother, but at the same time I don't see an obvious link between the Magician and the Jujus immediately with the way it's rephrased. Any thoughts on how I could remedy that? Or maybe you think the link is clear enough? I can't tell, 'cause I obviously know they're linked.

    Thank you again!!

    ETA: I'm implementing everything barring just one line btw. Your version is good! What on earth am I talking about? I'm plain copy and pasting this into my files. I feel bad lol. But thank you!
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2020
    Medazza likes this.

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