So I posted an earlier version of this and after some advice, I made some changes. What do you guys think? Initial crime: Takes place fourteen years before the main story plot. When the main character was 12 years old, her mother was targeted by an international syndicate, and a kill order was placed for the lives of both. Returning from school, CALYPSO walks in on her mom being held down and is knocked out with an injection. Shortly after a fire is started to dispose of the evidence. As the hit squad left, Brutus runs into the house and rescues the Calypso, laying her unconscious body to be found by first responders. Fleeing from the same people who killed Carl's mom, Brutus disappears for the next four years. That same night police received a call by a false ‘concerned citizen’ that a man was seen fleeing the scene, a gas can in hand. As the autopsy was conducted the coroner found that the cause of death was a gunshot to the head and the body had signs of torture prior to death. However, after recording it the file was deleted and replaced with a false report stating that the cause of death was asphyxiation. That next day the coroner reported to his boss what happened and resubmitted his original finding only to have it ‘corrected’ again. Shortly after he was fired due to falsified charges and discredited. Understanding what was happening the coroner fled the country. During the trial for her mother's death, Calypso’s testimony was discarded due to the false multiple witnesses reports the prosecution presented to the court, and the scapegoat was sentenced to prison. Shortly after he was killed in a prison riot. With no other place to go Calypso is sent to live with her affluent father and his family. Due to her status as a bastard child, she is abused by her family members to the point where she is given permanent scars. When she turns 14 she waits for a day where the family is gone and steals whatever she can, running away to start her new life. A few months later she is caught stealing from a store and is brought to a police station. As she is put into the system the syndicate who had ordered her moths death two years prior becomes notified and they begin a plan to erase her from existence, in order to complete the original job. Crooked officers, under the guise of taking her back to her father, place Calypso into a false police vehicle and drive her to the docks where she is given to human traffickers and sold as a slave. In this, her whole existence is erased. While Calypso was going through her own trials Brutus had been dealing with his own struggles. Following his act of retaliation, the Black Syndicate issued a kill order and he had to go underground. While in hiding, he began to unravel the mystery behind the kill order for Calypso and her mother, leading to the discovery that the current government is nothing more than a puppet government, led by the Black Syndicate and it’s seven clans. He begins to recruit members to join his own clan and they begin to take apart the dark web that has settled over the country. All the while he keeps tabs on Calypso, and when she disappears he becomes dedicated to finding her. Within the following year, Calypso is used as a labor slave for various families and is forced to become dependent on drugs. Nine months after she is sold she is found by Brutus (she doesn't know who he is) and he gives her a choice. She can stay where she is and rot to death, or she can take his hand and live. Choosing to live she is taken to Brutus’ home where she is registered as his daughter and given a false identity. He tells her that he is the head of a crime syndicate and that when the time comes she will be given a choice but until then she is free to live her life however she wants as his daughter. For two years she lives with Brutus oblivious to the fact that he was the man who rescued her, and to the fact that his mission is to take down the organization that ordered her mother's death. And within those two years, Calypso remains distant from those around her. Unsure of who to trust. On her seventeenth birthday, Brutus brings Calypso to the ruins of her old home and tells her everything. Who he is, the plot behind her mother's death. Everything and gives her a choice. She can get her revenge or she can continue living her life. She would be maintained and looked after but she can never meddle in the affairs of the clan, and she can never pursue her mother's death. She chooses revenge and Brutus makes a deal with her. As she is now she is not capable of enacting her revenge. He tells her that in order for her to start down that path she must enter the clan’s lowest ranks and work her way up to one of the four horsemen, the inner court of the clan. Only then can she begin to get her revenge. In the next four years, Calypso worked on rising up the ranks. She learned to combat, stealth, and evasion tactics. She was taught politics, economics, different languages, and basic first aid. She took job after job and proved herself time and time again until she was finally appointed the code name VALKYRIE, one of the four horsemen. Following her appointment she begins to do darker jobs for the clan, having to now kill people who are found guilty of atrocious crimes. On one such job a child is killed and, affected by the death, Calypso withdraws from those around her. On Calypso's 21st birthday Brutus brings her once more to the ruins of her old home and presents her with another choice. She could continue to finally start her path of revenge or she could leave it all behind. He explains that things will not get any better from that moment on and innocent people will get hurt. If she can’t live with that she should stop. So that is what she does. As the official story begins, it has been two years since she was an active member within the syndicate, however, she does odd jobs here and there for the money. One day she gets a call from Brutus saying that he found the coroner who did her mother's autopsy and that if she agreed to be his bodyguard for a few hours he would tell her his findings, and what happened in exchange for a new life. After if she wants to move on the information she can come and see Brutus. She takes the job to see what happens but arriving at the hotel she finds the man dead. His body showing signs of being tortured prior to his death. Shortly after police arrive and catch her trying to leave the room, arresting her on the spot for a murder. The murder of the coroner is enough to have her rejoin Brutus and the syndicate in order to use their resources, but by doing so the autonomy she had spent two years building would crumble and she would once again have to enter the life of orders and questionable deeds. She manages to make a deal with Brutus where she would return to the syndicate with the promise that when she finds the true culprits behind her mother's murder she gets to leave again. He agrees but realizes that if she decided to pursue the truth then a target would be placed on her back. He decided to secretly appoint a bodyguard from outside the immediate clan (male lead) As the story progresses the MC begins to uncover that the culprits behind her mother's death are more than just low-level thugs. They belong to an international syndicate that has ties into her mother's (and biological father) past.
This looks like something you should have fun with. Other than a couple points of feedback below, I think you should get on to writing. I wouldn't worry if things don't work out exactly as planned, just go with the flow and see what happens. Thoughts I had: This can use some simplification. Why would the syndicate hitmen drug and torture the mom? If she's on a hit list, why not just shoot her? Why shoot the mom and not Calypso? This part seems unnecessarily complicated. Also framing someone and the whole trial seems unnecessarily complicated. I've never carried out a hit for a big organization, but if I did, I think it would be very simple. Shoot the person, walk away, destroy the murder weapon, get on a flight to Argentina. Or, if you don't want a body, feed them to the alligators. Why torture the mom and the coroner? Usually you only torture someone if they have information you don't have, which definitely doesn't seem to be the case with the coroner. How could Calypso escape the attention of the syndicate when she was found alive and testified at the murder trial? If the syndicate doesn't know she is alive, how could they know Brutus betrayed them? Why would the syndicate sell her as a sex slave and not just kill her? The clan she learns all the martial skills in, is it different than the syndicate, or did she infiltrate the syndicate? Since this is all backstory I wouldn't sweat it too much. Just food for thought as you get drafting Chapter 1.
Since we all know what happens when one assumes, I will propose that this refers to Calypso's mom? I'm not clear why Calypso must cooperate with Brutus in order to get revenge? This is stated in the summary, That Calypso must cooperate with Brutus' organization to work her way into a position to gain revenge? There are many adversaries in this story of mystery and discovery. Considering the fourteen year gap living with her father do you plan on dropping clues during this time while you detail the mistreatment of Calypso? This can be a striking point of view for your story. It can also get very dark for the reader. Flushing out Brutus, perhaps in a time of grooming or watching, to gain trust of Calypso, would make it more meaningful when Calypso is ordered to do things in which What is the price of her revenge? Why should we care? There's enough material here which can be refined and explained. I hope your outline is able to cover all of it. Good luck, sarka
