Hey guys, I'm working on a story that I'm writing in present tense, and I had some feed back that the following paragraph might slip out of present tense. Could you guys take a look and see what you think please: "Something stirs at the base of the tree and I freeze, visions of two headed dogs and vicious harpies flash through my head. Had I gone too far? Was I out of bounds? My heart’s pounding so hard I’m sure any monsters in a two mile radius would be able to hear it. Maybe I should have stayed in the cabin after all." The point of contention is the use of the worlds 'Had' and 'Was', which I was told make it seem like I was going to past tense, but in my mind, 'had' is the right word as the character is thinking about when he had been walking (which was immediately before). I'm not so sure on the use of the word 'was'. Thanks
I can see the "had", although I'd probably go with "have". But I agree, the "was" seems out of place - presumably the character still is out of bounds as the narrative is taking place? Like: Event 1 - went too far, entered "out of bounds" Event 2 - wrote line? In which case, "Am I out of bounds" But if there's an event 1.5 in there, in which the character returns from "out of bounds", then I'd agree with the "was"
Thanks for the feedback. That makes perfect sense, the character is still in the position where they aren't sure if they are out of bounds or not, so 'Am I out of bounds' would make more sense. That said, I've had a go at restructuring it to try and avoid the issue. Does this read any better?: "Something stirs at the base of the tree and I freeze, visions of two headed dogs and vicious harpies flash through my head. I haven’t crossed out of bounds, have I? My heart’s pounding so hard I’m sure any monsters in a two mile radius would be able to hear it. Maybe I should have stayed in the cabin after all, or at least paid attention to where I was walking."
So in my non native ears My heart’s pounding so hard I’m sure any monsters in a two mile radius will hear it. Is more scary than the original. My heart’s pounding so hard I’m sure any monsters in a two mile radius would be able to hear it. But it's not a right or wrong tense thing. Will is more scary than would (to me).
I think it also depends if this character does or does not know there are monsters and also if there are in fact monsters at all in the given radius. Using "will" means there are in fact monsters in this radius and we as readers have just been made aware that they are present.
I read this extract and nothing struck me as incorrect or off. It's always a tricky one, but I think you have to listen to your ear as opposed to what is logically correct. 'Am I out of bounds?' would have struck me as incorrect tense because we're hearing the character's thoughts, and it would clash with the tense in the line immediately preceding it. Yes they're still in that moment, but they're asking themselves a question, so 'Was I out of bounds?' is perfectly correct in my opinion. I think it's also wrong to take present tense so literally. Are we honestly expected to believe that a story written in present tense, is actually being written as things happen? When being chased by a monster, is it logical to stop mid-chase and jot down the events? This is not a criticism of the tense, but of how the reader is supposed to perceive it.
Oh, @OurJud. Your opinion is in favor of something that is grammatically wrong because it does switch tenses. And you really don't want to do that. It confuses the prose and the reader. But there's always room for creativity.
But that's my point. The extract didn't confuse me. It read exactly as I would expect a present tense narrative to read. Go with your instincts (as the OP obviously did when composing this scene) and you'll be right more times than you're wrong.
Sorry. But it read as a mistake or like the author didn't know what they were doing. No offense. But if someone wants help, I think the should be given correct answers. There isn't anything that calls for an opinion. It's not a matter of opinion. It's wrong. Now what the author chooses to do with that information is up to them.
I just read a work called "No one can save her" and it was written in first person present tense. I wasn't a fan of present tense in the narrative but this was done well and deserves a look. I will probably never write in first person again because of my own failings, but if I did I would use this as a reference.
I don't agree. The whole question could be avoided by writing the scene differently, of course, but to read 'Am I out of bounds' just seems very off and awkward.
I vote for “have I” and “am I”. Well, I vote for past tense, but if it must be present, definitely have/am.
