Considering the hypothetical question posted by @123456789, I think a lot depends on the definition of love. The way I see it, you can do all kinds of things in a relationship: lie, cheat, hide things, but to do that successfully means that you have to keep your partner at a distance. No, you don't need to be colder than an igloo toilet, but you can't let them in 100% either nor can you fully open up to an unobstructed connection with that other person. That kind of a "restricted" connection is not my definition of true love. At most, I see it as affection, caring etc. That much is certainly possible even between friends who don't know nearly everything about one another. When I think of true love, I think of absolute commitment and devotion to that one person (or more; I have no experience of polygamy, so I'm not sure if it's possible to love more than one person like this, but I think it's plausible if e.g. three people feel the same way about one another, i.e. they are all equally devoted and committed to one another, but that seems pretty rare, and I've only ever heard of one real-life example which was between three women). A connection that deep means you open up to your partner, let them in, and show your true self. If you do that, you will become so close, it's extremely difficult to hide things from your partner even if you're a skilled liar. The way I see it, we all wear armor to shield ourselves from the bad things that happen all around us. That includes hurt we can sustain in relationships. However, while the armor keeps out hurt, it also keeps out love, and if you want to give and receive it, you need to open the armor, and while a tiny opening gives room for just enough caring to create some affection, e.g. friendship, I believe true love requires more, i.e. it isn't possible unless you open up fully to your partner and s/he does the same to you, allowing unobstructed feelings to pass between you and you both show your true selves and all of your sides to one another, the good and the bad. Secrets, lies etc. are visible if you're that open, so you need to close up a bit to hide them. That also means there's less room for the love to flow between you, so it diminishes it even if you are successful at keeping your secrets. Of course being that open leaves you exposed to hurt from the person(s) you open up to, but I think the rewards are not only worth the risk, they are worth the injury you sustain if your partner burns you e.g. by cheating on you. To me, there's nothing worthier of pursuit than true love and nothing more valuable. I know that's a fairly peculiar way of looking at it, but so far the armor analogy has seemed a pretty accurate representation of how love works. That is, in my subjective experience. That being said, I don't believe for a second that a polished, smiling liar would be a preferable alternative to an imperfect, but honest and devoted person. After all, isn't true love about accepting another person fully, warts and all? Of course, if true love is not what you want, you might be happier with the smiling liar, but that's another thing altogether and a far cry from love (at least according to my definition of love).
I'm pretty much on board with what most people have said, about how "cheating" depends on each relationship and the boundaries of the individuals involved. I did want to chime in on the online role-playing that the OP mentioned and I don't think anyone else has brought up. Before I joined this forum I spent a lot of time on two different RPing forums. While erotic RP did happen in certain circles on one of them, I steered pretty well clear of it because that just wasn't something I was interested in. In the other "normal" RPs that I did participate in there was a certain about of romance that would occasionally crop up between characters over the course of the threads as the stories progressed. The relationships were usually kept pretty tame- while kissing, PDAs, and everything up to stating that characters were sleeping together were fine, anyone taking it further than that was usually asked to move it to a separate thread. Even though I was much more tempted (in one particular case, very tempted) to participate in this kind of PG-13 role-playing , I abstained from it as well. Why? Because after being with my then-fiance for over five years, I knew that he would definitely be upset by it. While he had never batted an eye at the relationships I portrayed in my normal writing, I had been with him long enough to know that role-playing a pretend one in nearly real-time with another person would have been a huge breach of his trust. Even if I was doing it purely as a means of character development. I didn't have to ask, by then I knew him well enough to know that he would have been upset by the mere suggestion of it. I know it's just a small thing, and dumb to make a big deal over it. And honestly, if the shoe were on the other foot I highly doubt I would care at all. But the thing of it is, he does care and it would bother him. So I decided it wasn't worth disturbing my relationship over something that was, in my own opinion, a "silly little thing."
@Wyr That's interesting, I never thought about RPs like that (to be fair, I've never played them either), but I can see why it'd bother your partner. The situation actually kinda reminds me of cyber sex with strangers/half-strangers. Everybody pretends to be someone else anyway when in some chatroom or some such, so it's almost like role-playing, but I wouldn't be cool with my hubby cyber-sexing some skank across the globe.
Interesting thread. I will have to echo what's been said before in that it depends on the relationship. In all cases, honesty, and open communication are the most important factors in maintaining effective relationships. However, as for me, here's what I qualify as cheating: Engaging in any physical sexual contact with another person (male or female) Engaging in any sexual contact with another person via phone, video, or pictures Forming any sexual, romantic, or similarly intimate relationship with another person Here's what I don't qualify as cheating, but still puts a person in the hot-seat Flirting with other people (beyond what may be considered just friendly in given circumstances) Having excessive physical, playful contact with other men Spending excessive time with other male friends in situations where I wouldn't be able to go Any behavior that may make it hard to trust them I bet some of this would probably need more explanation, but that would just fall under communication. I have no problem with a woman who has a lot of male friends, as a man with a lot of female friends. What I do have a problem with is not being able to establish boundaries. For instance, I just find it a bit inappropriate for a girl in a relationship to sit in another guys lap. Likewise, it's a bit inappropriate for a committed guy to talk about sex and certain feelings and desires with other women. Of course there are exception in both scenarios, but the point is, partners need to be considerate of each other. Some of the best advice I've ever gotten was that "if you have to ask whether something is right or wrong, it's probably wrong." In this context, if you think it might make your partner uncomfortable or feel unappreciated or anything, you probably shouldn't do it. You can also apply the Golden Rule. If you think you would have a problem with your partner doing it, you shouldn't be doing it either. Some people mentioned porn, for instance. I personally don't have a problem with it a long as whoever I'm dating isn't secretive about it. Even then, we all have our secrets, which can be hard to get over. Trust and openness is something that must be built up.... I say all this not having had a girlfriend... Da fu** bro? so I know I still have much to learn about reality. If anything, I think it's good to have standards, but we must be willing to check our preconceptions about people so we can see them for who they are and what they're really doing... I once ended up (ironically) as the "other man" in phone/cyber affair... Good thing I'm not young, dumb, and horny anymore! Damn teen years.
I feel the same @KaTrian. I wonder, however, if chatrooms/cybersex are a bit worse than erotic RP (which I also never played so I'm only stipulating), because people go into the chatrooms with specific goal of sex-talk, and the scenarios are sort of ad hoc and without background. I imagine if an elaborate RP evolves, over time, towards an inevitable sex between the characters, the roles the players are in are much more dense/removed from them personally, somehow it seems less gratuitous... Like a valid sex scene in a good book vs porn manuscript, sort of thing.
@jazzabel Yeah, chatroom cybersexing does come off more intentional, and it'd piss me off more. I don't know exactly how RP works, like, if you have your own character, can other people change the course of their development? If another person has a character and they write it to fall in love with your character, can you decide that 'nah, he's not my type' and write the story to go some other way or does everybody get to vote and this way force some characters to hook up?
@KaTrian : RP sex by committee I wonder, though, whether people can 'fall in love' as characters? Consent between those 'doing the deed' maybe, like irl? Friends don't necessarily decide whether two in the group are allowed to hook up, sort of thing.
I've no idea, but it'd be pretty funny. "Ok, we just decided that your character's gonna get preggies by his character. Sorry, democracy prevails!"
Any of those things being kept secret is in no doubt- cheating. When you're in a relationship with someone, you're supposed to be trustworthy and committed. If that assumption is violated in any way, the relationship is not a healthy one. This question you brought upon us is in no way an exception unless both parties have the consent and/or permission of doing it without any issues. If I had a girlfriend who did those things behind my back for any reason without telling me, I would definitely be annoyed and possibly revaluate the position and status of the relationship.
