Believe me, I've been punished enough for staying with her for so long. She was dumb and a mean, selfish person at heart, but I was young and she had other attributes that were more important at the time. Maybe I will write a short story about our relationship. It would be a fable, of course, with the moral being "Don't trust nature".
I am forced to ask if English is her native language. I work as an interpreter and the pattern of mistakes you point out are reminiscent of those made by people in the process of learning English. When they run into a construction with which they are unfamiliar, but for which they may have some of the vocabulary building blocks, they attempt to apply the grammar and construction of their native language to the vocabulary of English, sometimes to hilarious end effect. Example: My b/f and I just bought some new ceiling fans for the apartment which I installed the other weekend. I texted him that I had installed them and he replied to my text with, "How potential are they?" He meant to ask how strong were they. In Spanish the question would have been, "Quan potente son?" He incorrectly extrapolated a cognate out of the Spanish word potente (strong, adj.)
She was a born American. Given what she did to English, I'm not sure she could master a second language. I vaguely recall a conversation where someone said that people who spoke different languages were stupid because everyone thought in English and then had to translate it into whatever they spoke, but I don't think that one came from Crystal. That's over the top even for her. She did object to my Rammstein CD's, because they didn't sing in English and shouldn't make music if they don't speak the language. While writing about my experiences with her may be funny, there are a great deal of painful memories involved there, mostly concerning my bank account, and I get agitated whenever I think of her. I'd rather not relive it too much if I can help doing so. I'm glad I could bring some amusement to your lives with these little anecdotes. I'll thank you for letting me vent a bit and move on. I'm getting the impression that there is not a specific term for the original problem I posted. I'll probably just end up explaining it out as both a mispronunciation and misuse. I should be able to get the point across.