What work is still needed here?

Discussion in 'Character Development' started by sleepindawg, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    Isn't "Purrrow would look to an earth man" for the reader?

    And speaking of "again" wasn't "Her markings were what many males of her race thought were very pretty and the best of them just happened to not be covered by her uniform." for the reader?

    Edited to add: Wait. Is absolutely none of this going to be in the book? Have we been talking about what's in your notes?

    Edited again to add: Never mind. Good luck with this. I’m dropping off the thread.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2019
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  2. sleepindawg

    sleepindawg Active Member

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    I was responding to the post where you said that. It seemed to be your response to the post where I said:

    However that quote didn't include my quote of your suggestion:

    Which was what I was speaking to at the time. I wasn't speaking to the reader, I was speaking here on the forums.
     
  3. jannert

    jannert Who? Whooo? Staff Supporter Contributor

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    @sleepindawg - Hi there. I've just been reading through this thread. You've received lots of well-thought-out, high quality feedback. Many examples were given of how your character description could work better, as well as discussion of the problems readers might encounter with the description as it is (in your notes, apparently.)

    The ball is back in your court now.

    I would advise you take what people have said here to heart, and simply move on—as ChickenFreak suggested on the thread's previous page—and get your story written. Lots of what bothers you at the moment will dissolve as you get deeper into the actual writing.
     
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  4. sleepindawg

    sleepindawg Active Member

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    Actually, I was working on what is happening with my MC who is her son when the most recent post from CF was made, would you like to see a bit of it?
     
  5. jannert

    jannert Who? Whooo? Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I'd advise (Mod hat on here) to wait till you've fulfilled your Member requirements (2 full weeks of membership, 20 posts and at least two critiques) to post it in the Workshop. Then, yes, we'd be really happy to look at it. But not here on this thread. The Workshop is the only area where we allow people to post their work for feedback. It's okay if you have a problem sentence or two, as you did here, to ask about it on threads like this. But it's a fine line...
     
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  6. sleepindawg

    sleepindawg Active Member

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    Sorry, I already opened a PM with you, if that's a problem please disregard it.
     
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  7. jannert

    jannert Who? Whooo? Staff Supporter Contributor

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    No problem at all. :)
     
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  8. sleepindawg

    sleepindawg Active Member

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    Even though you also edited the post to say you were dropping off the thread I'm going to reply to this quote. :)

    It is in some form intended to be in the story I just don't know how to do it yet. Or for that matter where in the story it will be. If the thing changes into a series it could be in another book of the greater story.
     
  9. badgerjelly

    badgerjelly Contributor Contributor

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    As an example (no idea about her character or anything):

    Purrrow slinked into the room. She resembled something akin to a large house cat, or more like a margay - thought X. She was tall, and looked quite muscular under her dappled fur (* note - there are an array of term you could use to describe the patterning of her fur). Even kitted out in generic flight gear she moved with such suave elegance in the cumbersome attire; the neck-brace almost no barrier to her austere, fluid movements and haughty demeanor.

    If you describe her from the actual perspective of another person you don’t necessarily have to break away from the omnipresent perspective (as above). Plus the reference to the margay makes more sense and you could even add in prior to this that the character looking at this creature is from central/south America?

    Also, think about other senses. You should avoid overloading the reader though unless you have good reason to. Halfway through this creature conversing with some human they may notice a certain aroma, tone of voice or texture when they shake ‘hands’? Try doing what I mentioned previously, look at the picture of the margay and write several paragraphs describing everything you can about the animal, watch videos and describe the movement ... sniff the next house cat you can get your hands on maybe? Haha! Just remember not to go overboard and keep the description shirt and sweet as you can always layer on more descriptive vocabulary as you go along - and from another humans perspective - AND Purrrow’s perspective - you can really express a lot about a character over a few chapters.

    GL

    Oh! Just noticed your post about your description NOT being for the reader ... my bad ... still I think there may be something useful in what I’ve said.
     
  10. sleepindawg

    sleepindawg Active Member

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    I badly misstated things in earlier posts. I meant to say that after I figured out that using colored text might help the members know what was intended to fit in the story as part of the description of the character. After I started using colored text I meant black text as things not to be included in the story, but for communication to the members here. It turns out that my wording gave some members here the idea that none of it was for inclusion in the story even after getting the bugs ironed out.
     
  11. sleepindawg

    sleepindawg Active Member

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    Hey all, I've gotten a new thought about how to start introducing my alien character.

    As I started doing before my black text is for you to read, and my blue text is what I might show the reader if I get any.

    Earth History Encyclopedia entries for year 3100:


    In the year 3072 humans made first contact with members of a cat-like species while exploring a newly opened section of the galaxy. These aliens are bipedal and around the size of average humans. The aliens become known as ‘The Margay’ because they closely resemble that breed of earth cats. These ‘Margay’ also have furry hands instead of front paws and the fur tufts extending from their ears that make those ears look more pointy.


    Earth time 1472 in a distant part of the galaxy:


    Purrrow gave out a low growl as she woke to the sound of the Battle Stations horn. She had just gotten to sleep and was sure that this was another drill. Hurrying she was still pulling on her uniform as she entered the passage. She headed for her duty station at a run learning by others errors was better than making errors of your own.

    What do you think?
     
  12. The Piper

    The Piper Contributor Contributor

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    These two paragraphs don't need to be split. The second - her running through a corridor, I think? - could be interlaced with details that you gave in the first part, instead of doing a whole lot of telling then some showing that doesn't give us a whole lot of imagery.

    Also worth mentioning, don't know how far along this passage is through writing/editing but about half the sentences in that second paragraph either don't make sense at all or are fairly hard to read - see the very last sentence for I think the best example of this.

    Sorry if this comes off as rude, it's early.
     

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