You bring up an interesting element--"alongside." I think that will play a large role in how the relationship evolves. There's three things evolving, you, your partner, and the relationship(the alongside). For an extreme example, let's say you're an astronaut, and your partner is a globe trotting business magnate. He's going to have his own independent interesting life and you're going to have yours. In ten years, you both are going to still be interesting people with all sorts of new developments and traits. In addition to what you are and what he/she is, there is the third element, the "alongside." These are the changes you've experienced together, your interactions, your opinions of each other and the experiences they've had that they tell you about, the advice you've given each other, the places you've both lived in at the same time, your fights, compromises, struggles, triumphs, etc, etc, etc. All three elements are continually evolving and interacting, which I think is one of the most profound aspects of a long term relationship, and, I think I'm seeing this more in movies and TV (maybe I'm just noticing it more as I get older) where there's all sorts of drama and sex appeal between long term spouses, not just new lovers.
I found it! This thread here: https://www.writingforums.org/threads/relationship-behaviors-and-advice.156611/
@123456789 - From this, I'm thinking that I should first think of their individual history, personalities, and how they've change overtime as opposed to thinking about the "alongside" first. What do you think? @Mckk - This thread should be even more helpful since my relationship is also m/m. Thanks for the link, I'll look over it for some pointers.
As a writer, you can make either path sexy (if you're going for sex appeal). The alongside gives you drama--jealousies, grudges, insecurities, competition, misinterpretations, toxic elements, or even boredom, as long as you show these characters addressing the boredom in an interesting way. FYI, just because these exist to some extent doesn't mean the relationship as a whole is BAD. On the other hand, focusing on their individual histories automatically allows characters to be less defined as "that old boring couple" and more as two individuals with a very strong bond (the alongside), and of course it's up to you with how much drama you want to mine from that bond or if you just want it to be something completely healthy and empowering. If you're asking me, "if I focus more on the couple's same never changing routine together that has lasted for decades and encompasses most of their lives, will that potentially come off as more boring in some ways?," then my answer is yes.
Alright. Then, I think I'll focus on them as individuals first, close friends second, and lovers third. Can't wait to start writing this out!
I did a quick Google search, and I don't understand how forced labor camps are related to long-term relationships.
A strong long term relationship is very reptilian. Hisss. Think about a really good friend. You share each other's realities- if you trust them, you don't care about hiding your fears or your humour or even your unjustified flaws. You just accept each other. The most primal, personal part of your psyche communicates with theirs, subtly, communicating that you two are essentially at peace with each other. Around someone who you know less, you behave from the more complex parts of your brain- be natural, but don't give away things you don't want to. Around someone who you know less, you are not entirely honest (this is fine, considering we all have our personal lives). A long term relationship is the closest you can get to sharing each other's brains. You share every experience possible, you go forward together in every decision. You can have a weak long term relationship- when trust is broken, when a strong flaw makes a period of the relationship a little murky (neither want to back down from an argument or something). "You always..." is a common feature of rows in relationships. Because people know, or think they know, their friends and partners. Hence, what do they share to each other? A long term relationship is usually two people who are best friends, completing each other. It might just be they're very honest behind doors, and quite shy out of them- it depends on your characters and what they want.
yea... I saved it..chuckled like a prick...then read it to my wife who said I 'sounded psychotic...' usual..
I agree with @O.M. Hillside that just because a relationship has lasted a long time that doesn't necessarily mean it SHOULD have lasted a long time. Most of the other relationships people are describing sound more-or-less healthy, but there are lots of couples that stay together for a long time even though they aren't good for each other. From the sound of your replies I think you're looking for a fairly healthy relationship, so this is just a side point. But it might be useful for future reference.
Hi Andi, I've been with my boyfriend (now fiance) for 9 years. We met in 9th grade and have broken up 3 times since then lol! but we always get back together. Relationships are tough! How we met: we had 2 classes together. I was not interested in dating. not even interested in guys romantically... i was in a school i hated. didnt want to be bothered with socializing, let alone crushing on the guys in the school that i hated! he was already seeing this girl that his friends set him up with (i didnt know it at the time). anyways, i remember he shoved my backpack out of the chair i had saved for myself, and i called him a name, and he called me a name. I was an athlete too as well as the loner-nerd girl. So i got hurt and had to have surgery and was on crutches for a while, and then all of a sudden, he was nice to me. He carried my books for me from class to class, opened doors for me. i thought it was weird and it pushed me away from him, until a mutual friend told me that the guy liked me and that he had broken up with his girlfriend (which i didnt know he had). So, me being forward, i go up to him (after I got of crutches) and asked him out on a date. he said yes. first break up: we dated that first year, and that summer. sophomore year, i felt insecure. We didnt have any classes together, i was in college prep classes. He wasnt "popular" but he was cool with everyone and everyone liked him. including girls. So, rather than embarrass myself with jealousy and the possibility of him breaking up with me, i broke up with him. via text. We got back together after a few months when he told me he still liked me and never had any intention of breaking up with me. Second breakup: We went to different colleges. he was doing his thing, i was doing my thing, but it was really hard keeping up a long distance relationship (a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings) so he broke up with me. After a week, we got back together, but i wasnt feeling it anymore and i didnt want to go through the misunderstandings and hurt feelings again, so i broke up with him. We got back together during winter break because we were miserable without each other (longer story). Fast forward till now, 2 years after graduating, we live together and are engaged. Honestly, he's like my best friend. I can be goofy around him. He doesnt care if i wear makeup or not. We watch tv together, see movies. even doing nothing together is an enjoyment. he could be reading a book, and i could be on my laptop but we both are chilling on the couch and its perfect. Thats not to say we dont have our ups and downs.... but we've learned to handle them better. The issues we had when we were teenagers (lack of communication, insecurities, misunderstandings) are better handled because we talk about those things. He's a romantic... he'll cook for me. Once, he picked me up from work in a suit and tie, brought me back to the apartment where he decked it out like a candle lit restaurant and served me wine and surf-n-turf. I'm the goofy one in the relationship that obsesses over everything, he's the serious one but is also more laid back like "whatever happens happens. no use stressing over things" type of guy. in that sense, we kind of complement one another. New "problems" have come about since we are now older, as they should. But these aren't "end all, be all" problems. Problems like him cooking and leaving a mess in the kitchen, or me nagging about him losing the laundry key card. No relationship is perfect. Over time, you just get better had addressing them so that they aren't problems anymore.
I can only speak for myself. My wife and I have been married for 39 years. What started as a romance is now a deep,strong friendship. The only thing that comes close to this is if you had any best friend(s) when you grew up. I had a few friends from school that I was very good friends with for 7-10 years. A few of them were/are friends in the way my wife and I are friends. One of the school friends I have lunch with 3-4 times each year. We didn't see eachother for more than 30 years but 10 years ago we started having lunch. We seldom talk about the old times. All that is just foundation. A year ago we brought in two other of the old friends. No problem at all. The foundation is strong, we need not talk about it. It's just there. But the strongest an most complete foundation there exists is the history I have with my wife.
@GB reader - That's something I was actually going for when I started thinking about my character's relationship, they start out as close friends and eventually become lovers. That being said, what do you mean when you say that the foundation with your wife is the most complete? @J.T. Woody - Would you say that you and your fiancee balance each other out? From what I'm getting, this is a common trait in long-term relationships and I'm wondering how exactly this "balancing out" is done. Does it go beyond just having opposite personalities? @BayView - I definitely agree. These relationships can vary from abuse, co-dependency, and many other relationship dynamics that are very unhealthy. I'm actively trying to avoid framing my character's relationship in an unhealthy dynamic.
Well, your two characters would likely be excruciatingly boring if they'd been together for a decade. It's not natural, nor is it healthy to remain with the same person for so long. The mere thought of it makes my skin crawl.
@Andi. Just Andi. It's entirely subjective, and what's more, you have a page and a half of honest, heartfelt first-hand accounts as evidence to the contrary; unless of course it's a page and a half of people who are 'not natural'.
Remember: natural doesn't always mean better. Bacteria and viruses are natural. Doesn't mean we shouldn't use unnatural means to remove them. Sometimes fighting nature is a good thing.
This was why I made my earlier posts. I was afraid of someone bringing up the stereotypical "boring predictable couple." But, just remember, the best part is that you're the writer. You don't have to make ANYTHING boring if you don't want to. Certainly, in this case, you wouldn't be being unrealistic.
Research just isn't the same as personal experience. I'm not saying to anyone to limit yourself in any way. Write whatever you want, but just know you're not the only one writing about a ten year relationship. And a lot of those other people will be able to draw on personal experiences which can often make fiction seen more real and relatable. Let alone a relationship, but how many things have you done for ten years? Do you have the experience of any sort of ten year commitment? If so, drawing on that could help. I don't think people have to write what they know, but why would you not? Even if you are writing about space or fairies or anything, you can still make the situations in your story relatable and the characters as well. There is no need for neglecting your personal experiences and remolding them in some way to tell your story. Don't get me wrong. Fiction is fiction. I'm not talking about writing about your life and calling it fiction. But you can write about truths you know and understand in your fiction. I just think that lack of experience and knowledge can show. This is a tough business. You want to give yourself the best shot possible. And writing a story that couldn't come from anyone else because it's about something you really get is giving yourself the best chance.
Thank you for elaborating on what you mean. However, since I have no experience with long-term committed relationships or any romantic relationships at all, what would you suggest as an alternative?
