In the screenwriting book SAVE THE CAT which I read recently, the author Blake Snyder writes that there are two main screenplay writing skills: Storytelling (the ability to create a logical, yet fascinating story) Literary (exact use of words) I believe I'm low on the first. Which is why I'm super careful and taking feedback on my story/plot before launching into writing the actual screenplay. I find that you in many ways become "blind" when you deal with the details of stuff, with the exact phrasing of a statement and dialogue, for example. To make it easy to give feedback, I'll post the title, logline, and synopsis and you can tell me if something is off. I haven't started with the screenplay yet, but I do have a detailed outline of the entire plot. If anyone would want to trade feedback, say, my 20 pages vs your 20 or 30 I'd love to make a feedback trade. For clarity, I made the synopsis slightly longer than it should be. I also included act breaks and story structure descriptions according to the MICHAEL HAUGE model. I know this is weird, but I thought I'd try it this one time. This is how I have it in my document. <<<<<<===============>>>>>> Title: The Pedophile Crusher Logline: When a pro MMA fighter’s daughter is kidnapped and killed by a powerful pedophile ring, he has a mental breakdown. He must escape the high security psyche ward, run by the sadistic doctor that ordered the kidnapping, and avenge his daughter. Synopsis: <===ACT I START===> SETUP 0-10% Life is good for Thor Thorson. As a happy father of a 5-year-old daughter, an appreciated teacher at the local elementary school, and a skilled MMA fighter – Thor is kicking ass on a daily basis. NEW SITUATION 10-25% On the way home from the local animal store, Thor gets caught in the doorway as four men rush out of a van with tinted windows and grab his daughter. Thor explodes through the door and drops the first man like a sack of potatoes. He fights off the other guys, but must rush his daughter’s lifeless body to the hospital. As he finds out she was dosed with the short acting sedative Propofol – and is going to be okay – the police on site disappear around a corner with his daughter. A chase through the hospital leads to a car chase, but his daughter dies on impact when colliding with a large truck. <===ACT I END===> <===ACT II START===> PROGRESS 25-50% Thor loses his mind and is committed to a high security psyche ward, run by the sadistic doctor that ordered the kidnapping of his daughter. Thor is turned into a zombie with high doses of various medications. When a drugged up Thor manages to save a young girl from being raped by the doctor, he is strapped down and tortured with the ECT machine. COMPLICATIONS & HIGHER STAKES 50-75% The day after, Thor and his newfound hippie hacker friend – Bob – manages to escape with the girl. The girls dad – a retired vet – is so thankful he wants to help them out with all his gear and military equipment. Bob uses his hacking skills to break into the doctor's phone, and see that the next kidnapping target is a student of Thor. They show up with all their gear and proceed to kill the van guys and demolish their van. High on adrenaline, they go to a strip club and party hard. Right as Thor bonds with a stripper he’s seen twice before, the police raid the place with a big SWAT team. Thor, Bob, the old man and Thor's stripper friend is arrested. They put Thor alone in the cell and start to beat on him. <===ACT II END===> <===ACT III START===> THE FINAL PUSH 75-90% The other three, chained to a radiator in the main room, start to make so much noise that people start peering through the windows. The police decide to let them go, as they want no witnesses. The group of three steal a motorcycle, break into a nearby gun store, gear up, come back, break in, kill the police, and free Thor. They are met by the FBI, who isn’t happy, but agree to not charge them as long as they tell them everything they know. They did, after all, risk their lives taking out an evil pedophile ring. Thors only demand is that he gets the doctor. But he’s in bad shape. An ambulance comes and treats Thor wounds, give him oxygen, blood, and an adrenaline shot. They go to the doctor’s house, tie him up, bring him to a local MMA show, and sign them up to fight. The announcer introduces Thor as “The Pedophile Crusher”, and the pot-bellied doctor as “The Serial Child Molester”. A diminished Thor manages to win the fight with basic technique. AFTERMATH 90-100% Dressed up as medics, Bob and the old man carry the doctor into the ambulance and drive away. Thor gets his class back. Thor visits his daughters grave, but can’t make himself touch the gravestone. Two years later, Thor is 8-0 in professional MMA, and wins a fight with a brutal head kick. Bob, the old man, and Thor's stripper friend is there to cheer him on. She has an engagement ring on her hand. <===ACT III END===>
First off, I might not be the best person to provide feedback for this. It sounds like it's going to be some sort of high intensity action flick, and I'm not a big fan of those. So I haven't watched very many and thus I'm not very familiar with the standard logic by which those stories play out. With that said I'll say what strikes me as odd. First off a skilled criminal syndicate is not going to attempt to kidnap someone who is walking with their dad. They're going to go after someone who's alone and in an isolated location. Plus four guys rushing out of a van is a big scene, someone would notice that. Not a very good strategy and if this is how the ring operates they would be caught quickly. I don't see how the police could just let them go. I mean these men would be wanted for the murder of the van guys, plus destruction of property. And it's not like they'd care if people hear their ranting, at least one of them is an escapee from a mental institute. Also the FBI would just arrest these crazy vigilantes because their antics are far more dangerous to the stability of society than the crime ring. I can see maybe some plea bargains, but there is no way they just get to walk off scot-free after all these anti-heroes have done. Which involves mass murder, destruction of property, jail-break, motorcycle theft, burglary, and more mass murder. Even if they did let them go, I can't see why FBI would support illegal vigilante justice by allowing Thor to deal with the doctor. They would just arrest the doctor and let the justice system work on it, possibly in a federal court if they local one can't be trusted. Now to close off I'll admit that I do not like vigilante justice and since this story is full of it, I do not like most of the internal logic of the story.
I would argue the opposite. Enacted pedophilia is one of the highest crimes established by society. Also organized crime is way, WAY more of a priority to law enforcement than some random vigis.
There are two corrupt police officers. They made the raid happen. Five men were killed earlier that night so they had something they could use. In this (better) world, the FBI is not corrupt, no!
Thx for the response! There are some valid points there. Everything that happens isn't told but the basic things are. As far as genre, I see it as a combination of Drama/Action/Comedy. The way I envision it it's 40% drama / 40% action / 20% comedy. But it could be as as a straight action movie, I think. Maybe even a crime comedy like Snatch or a psychological thriller, there is enough of many things for it to be made many ways. If you read my synopsis it does say Thor is caught in the door when his daughter runs outside, so to them she will seem alone at least at that time. But a skilled criminal would wait to be sure. But then, maybe they have been sitting in this cramped van for 3 hours and now a target comes along that fits the criteria, and here we go. That said, I still agree with you, these people don't get caught 99%+ of the time. And when they do get caught, they make sure to have corrupt police in the area that can bail them out. But I don't find it completely unreasonable that they would target a child that seems to be alone if there are no witnesses nearby (there aren't). The two police officers that are at the office that night are the corrupt ones (intentional). It's a small station. They are part of the syndicate and they want to kill Thor to remove him as a witness and as a problem. They aren't overly interested in the other people. Keep in mind that they are alone at the station, it's night, so they can basically do what they want. These vigilantes have a crazy streak but they have gone after a pedophile ring that murders children and sell their organs on the black market. It's an embarassment for the FBI, that they haven't caught them (the pedoring) sooner. Also, FBI agents have children, too, they're human. It's also a movie. Not a documentary. It could also be pinned on this one FBI agent who's high up in the organisation who's responsible for the case. Maybe he doesn't report EVERYTHING back to the top, you know? I don't find that it defies common sense, but maybe I'm biased and can't see it objectively. Thx a lot for the feedback! =))))
I don’t mind a decent action/adventure but a few things put me off. I really dislike the title. It instantly puts me off. The logline is misleading by saying the daughter is killed by a paedophile ring. She’s killed in a traffic incident. The logline suggests the death is under different and more harrowing/disturbing circumstances. If you’re going to name the particular medicine you need to do some research. Propofol is administered intravenously (IV). This would be virtually impossible to achieve in the circumstances you describe. You need something that can be administered IM and is fast acting via that route of administration. Propofol is neither. They *could* give it IM but it’s effect would be unknown and definitely not instantaneous. It’d probably be better not to specify the medicine. Thor has a mental breakdown, bad enough to be committed to a psychiatric hospital and be administered drugs powerful enough to turn him zombie like, but then appears to miraculously recover. What timeframe is this supposed to be over? The helpful stripper friend-turned-lover has been done to death. It’s also kind of irritating that the only females in your story are either victims or sex workers. I found myself rolling my eyes a little at this -> “An ambulance comes and treats Thor wounds, give him oxygen, blood, and an adrenaline shot.” I’m a paramedic though so it’s to be expected. The only time I give an adrenaline shot is to people that are being resuscitated or people with anaphylaxis or life threatening asthma. We also don’t routinely carry blood. That’s just me being nitpicky though because I have more knowledge and find it more difficult to suspend belief on these aspects.
Thx for the feedback! I haven't had a lot of strongly negative feedback on the title. This one might be the first. Kidnappers do use intravenous sedatives by stabbing the victim in the thigh, for example. I took Propofol because it's widely used/available and has a very short onset. This "miracolous" recovery is your own construction. The way it happens in the current version of the story is that he gets a big dose right when he is admitted, which they often do to calm people down. He then gets his big daily dose of pills which he takes for say a week until someone teaches him how to no take his medication. At this point he starts to get better gradually for a couple days. But the (off the book) ECT torture screws him up a lot and Thor is not very active in his escape, but led by friends by his arms. I see your point with the women. I am a guy so I've had way more guy friends than girl friends, so it is easier for me to write men and imagine what they would say, how they would act. Thor and his two new "friends" are guys. The stripper thing has been done to death though she does have a real personality and a character arc like the others. Usually, strippers don't have a personality, they are blank canvases, I think that is the problem. Her and Thor do have a history, they have trained together, and so on. Then I'll remove the blood. They can give him IV fluid. I thought you sometimes gave adrenaline to people who have lost a lot of blood and are really weak, to give the body a boost. I could make one of his friends steal an adrenaline shot or two from the ambulance and give it to him before the MMA fight.
In my oppinion, rather than taking the girl when her father is with her, predatory orginizations that deal in human trafficking tend to either wait until their target is alone or bait the target into a favorable location. Rather than the van full of guys, perhaps have a few guys disguised as police officers isolate her. Then have the father discover her missing and quickly have him locate her. In his attempt to retrieve her, transition into the chase that kills her. The hacker would also be better served being on the outside of the mental institution hacking in through the security system and using the built in intercom system to communicate with the MC directly throughout his mission impossible like escape. You could even use the hacker being in their systems to change the MC's dosages so that he is enough of himself to begin acting against the staff and doctor. Just a few tweeks for consideration.
