Which is better?

Me and @GuardianWynn are working on a chapter together, and we have each written a speech from a character. The character walks into the middle of town with a megaphone and is shouting at the hiding peasants. Which speech do you think works better? Thanks!


1) You... farmers... have impressed the commander. You took our base and kept it for weeks - surviving longer than anyone on this planet. Your country’s militia could only hope to match such a feat. You have a gem among you, a mastermind. Argos, I have brought your people provisions. The commander will be back tomorrow at this time to speak to you. Until then, we are on a ceasefire. Enjoy your quiet and make peace between yourselves, as you’ve earned this last day.”


2) “Listen up and listen well. You… farmers have impressed my commander. Taking this base and keeping it for a few weeks; your country’s militia could only hope to match such a feat. We know you have a mastermind, a gem amongst the dirt, Argos. My commander wants to speak to him. We will return tomorrow sharply at this time. In exchange, we have brought you provisions and ordered a ceasefire. Rest up, enjoy the peace and quiet, you have earned this last day.”

 

Well....

If one must be honest, 2 catches my attention better.

I feel the You...Farmer... doesn't match the voice you guys are going for. It should be: You, farmers, etc.

I like this; it is a well-written, metaphoric image.

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That's all I got for you crazy kids.

 

Commenting so I will be alerted.

 

It depends on what sort of message you're trying to convey, and what sort of characters the commander is, and his emissary. I presume it's an uncompromising message that you're trying to convey, while still respectful of what Argos has achieved, so I will judge the speeches on that. I think you could benefit from a mix-up of both.

For example:

Sounds more powerful than:

"The commander will be back" sounds more like they are dictating terms to them, whereas saying "my commander wants to speak with him" makes it sound like they are the ones on the back foot and the commander sound like he's asking them for permission. In the first passage, the emissary is telling the peasants there is a ceasefire, giving off the message that they are exerting their dominance, whereas in the second passage, he is requesting one, which is much more passive, and sounds like a negotiation.

So you can see by the commander wanting to speak with Argos, and him bringing provisions and ceasefire in exchange,it makes it sound like the commander is afraid of Argos, or he is trying a more peaceful or placating approach. Nothing wrong with either, of course: as I said, it's all about the message you're trying to convey. On the other hand, telling them there is a ceasefire, telling them the commander will speak to Argos sounds more like an aggressive and uncompromising tone for somebody who is used to being control.

Small things like that matter immensely.

"Base" Can't help but think how informal this sounds, but maybe that's because I don't read much sci-if (I presume?).

If they're here to take it back, you can twist the knife by saying something along the lines of "that time has come to an end" or something along those lines.

Break it up. "Rest up, enjoy the peace and quiet. You have earned this last day." (Or maybe 'final day'.) Now that last sentence sounds a lot more ominous.

As I said, I don't know what message you're trying to convey, but there's a few things to think about here.

 

I preferred the two combined - the second half of #1 and the first half of #2:

Listen up and listen well. You… farmers have impressed my commander. Taking this base and keeping it for a few weeks; your country’s militia could only hope to match such a feat. We know you have a mastermind, a gem amongst the dirt, Argos.
The commander will be back tomorrow at this time to speak to you. Until then, we are on a ceasefire. Enjoy your quiet and make peace between yourselves, as you’ve earned this last day.

^like that

 

But what about the line about provisions?

 

Stick it in either after "speak to you" or after "ceasefire". Up to you.

 

I feel the same about the ellipses. If what you're going for is hand gestures (pointing to them or whatever) it's missing the mark. It just seems like the character forgot who he was talking to.

I like the 2nd one, for the record, other than the hesitation.

 

The ellipses were the first thing to stand out to me too. They immediately made me think that the speaker was lacking confidence or confused.

 

I thought of the first ellipses as a pause for disgust. Like she is digusted and ashamed that farmers pulled managed to accomplish enough to be worth her addressing them.

 

The ellipses (for both) are to show disgust/contempt for the farmers. Likes its a gross word. It works in context when you read more of her character before this moment.

 

In that case, I'd italicize it to emphasize the contempt. Like this:

"You... farmers... have impressed the commander."

I did get the impression that it was a derogatory remark, if it matters.

Here's how I'd do the rest:

"You took our base and kept it for weeks, surviving longer than anyone on this worthless planet. Your country’s militia could only hope to match such a feat. We know you have a mastermind, a gem amongst the dross. Argos, the commander will be back tomorrow at this time to speak to you. Until then, we are declaring a temporary ceasefire.” He waved a hand, and more of his men stepped forward, dropping bags of supplies on the ground. "You've earned an extra day and a final meal - enjoy it while it lasts."

(I went for more erudite language ("amongst the dross") because this guy seems like he's well above them in both intellect and ability; he oozes condescension and contempt for these lower life forms who have managed to survive. If it were up to him, he'd just crush them all like bugs, but the commander was impressed, and thus he has to go speak to them. I could see him taking a shower when he gets back to base just to wash off their stench.)