1. Gannon

    Gannon Contributor Contributor

    Jan 15, 2007
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    Manchester, England

    Winner - crs - Short Story Contest (48): Comedy

    Discussion in 'Monthly Short Story Contest Archives' started by Gannon, Jul 24, 2009.

    crs - How to Kill a Siberian Tiger in Northern Quebec Without the use of a Firearm

    Before we begin, I can imagine the title of this instructional manual has, no doubt, lead you to a number of questions; the most striking and obvious question you’re likely asking yourself: “What on earth is a tiger?” Well my dear reader, a tiger is a predatory mammal of the Felidae family, more specifically of the genus panthera. In laymen’s terms a tiger is almost exactly like that of a common house cat, however with one very perceptible difference: they are orange with black stripes.

    As I’m sure you’re all familiar with how to smuggle a predatory mammal into northern Quebec, I will spend little time on the topic, however for those few who are not, you need only reference How to Smuggle a Predatory Mammal into an Arbitrary Location Without the use of a Passport, a copy of which – if not already lying about your household – is readily available at your local library, or for purchase at any given convenience store.

    Finally, you’re probably wondering why one should kill a Siberian tiger without the use of a gun, or, perhaps even, why one should kill a Siberian tiger at all? Well, to address the latter, some might say that killing a Siberian tiger is wrong because it is an endangered species and there for such an act is criminal, if not morally reprehensible. But to those not blinded by facts and well founded empathy, the answer as to why one should kill a Siberian tiger is rather self-evident: so it will no longer be living. Why not the use of a gun? If you’re not familiar with Canadian law, the process of legally owning a firearm in Canada can be quite laborious and time consuming indeed; there are safety courses, registration forms, and not to mention a lengthy waiting period. So, rather than trouble you with such nonsense, I’ve devised a much easier strategy, and all you’ll need are 3 tons of unprocessed lumber, building materials, a 26 month supply of food and water, and (as I’m sure you’ve already guessed) a thorough understanding of the man befriending beast plot structure.

    Now, once you’ve captured your Siberian tiger, smuggled it overseas, and have released it into the wilds of northern Quebec, you must track your tiger as covertly as possible until such time as your tiger has established a territory. Once you have sniffed out where your tiger is urinating and have become familiar with its territorial boundaries, build a quaint log cabin just outside that territory. Having built your cabin, your order of business will be, simply, to go about your business. You must be your tiger’s neighbour, and a good neighbour at that. Don’t be nosey, stay off the tiger’s property, and do not have parties at unreasonable hours. If you can accomplish this, the next phase of your relationship will take place: the test.

    At some point you will find yourself distracted in one of your daily tasks -- perhaps chopping wood or tilling a garden -- when, looking up, you discover you are face to face with your tiger. Your tiger will be bearing his teeth, he will be approaching you slowly, and at this juncture, your actions are crucial. If you behave too cowardly, your tiger may not kill you but you will have lost all chance of having gained his respect. If you are too aggressive, your tiger will kill you as a justifiable sacrifice for the arrogance of humankind. The key here for you is to be fearful in your reverence of nature, but brave in that you take responsibility for having put yourself in her harsh and unforgiving domain. Striking this balance will cause your tiger to let off one terrifying roar, and he will then stride casually away into the brush.

    Having earned the tiger’s respect, it’s now time to wait for a lightning storm. It is essential that during these lightning storms you are either outside or near an opened window, for, it is during this time you shall hear the roar of your tiger in distress. Cautiously you shall follow this sound and discover that a rock slide or fallen tree has entrapped one of the paws of your tiger. Your tiger will perceive you as a threat and growl at you desperately; however, you shall be no such threat. Killing a tiger in this situation without the use of a gun would not only be dangerous, but tactless. So instead you will free your tiger in the manner you see fit, your tiger will run away (its pride freshly bruised), and in the coming weeks you will find yourself either surrounded by wolves or corned by a bear or cougar, and your tiger will, in turn, save your life. All debts being equal, you and your tiger will now be friends.

    You shall have Socratic walks with your tiger through the forest; tussles in a field, and of course; quiet nights by the fire. Once a sufficient range of friendship activities has been displayed, it’s time to put on the pounds! Getting as little exercise as possible and consuming the unhealthiest of foods, your goal is to get within the weight range of roughly 300 pounds in as little time as possible. Having achieved thus, it’s time to kill your tiger!

    Now, I can imagine you’re thinking: “But I love my tiger; he is my friend. How I could possibly look him in the eye and kill him?” Well this has all been taken into account, and, if you follow my instructions carefully, you shall find that in the end you will be directly responsible for the death of your tiger, but without ever having been conscious of it. So let’s begin.

    By this time you and your tiger should be spooning together on cold and rainy nights in your bed – as this is a strange and foreign land for your tiger and you are his only friend. On the spot where your tiger usually lays, cut a hole into the base board large enough to accommodate his size. On your side of the bed place several jagged rocks. On the next evening where your tiger comes to lay with you, consume as many sleeping pills as safely possible. The sleeping pills should allow you to fall asleep in your bed despite the discomfort of the jagged rocks beneath you. In the morning you shall discover that the discomfort of the rocks ultimately caused you to unconsciously roll over in the night on top of your tiger -- your tiger, having been trapped under your shear weight in the depression you created for him in the bed, will have suffocated. You will also discover at this time that you are a terrible, terrible person.
  2. Erebus

    Erebus New Member

    Mar 26, 2009
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    Congratulations! Great story and well deserved.
  3. crs

    crs Member

    Oct 25, 2007
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  4. jonathan hernandez13

    jonathan hernandez13 Contributor Contributor

    May 12, 2009
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    Mount Vernon New York
    congrats buddy, four more years!(oh, wait, wrong forum...:D)
  5. Doug J

    Doug J Active Member

    Feb 21, 2008
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    Wisconsin, U.S.A.
    crs - I love this one. The beginning did not lure me in - but I think I have read other things you have written - so I continued. And I'm glad I did - this a great story - funny, literate - wonderful. Nice writing and pacing (except maybe the beginning - for me a bit slow). Thanks.

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